My sanctuary

Change in preference but not too much

2009-02-11T02:18:00.003+08:00

Boys are immature, but then men can be the same way

After a long hiatus, a new year and a new job but my mundane life still suffers from the "SAME SHIT DIFFERENT SMELL" syndrome

Have you felt that the world is against you?

Or that nothing you do seems to matter?
Or that luck is always not on your side?
Or that all odds are always stacked against you?
Or that God put you in this world so that he can play the fool with you?

WHY DID I GET THE MICROSOFT PROJECT!Curse you!

On a different note, you're the total opposite of me; you've been run through my mind lately; you've been in my dreams; you're just my type; you're OLDER than me

*sigh*

Ok probably not by too much as what the picture depicted

A nice person may not be a fool

2008-02-27T03:06:00.006+08:00

Nice people (men and women) finish last

Lately I've been hearing a lot of ranting from single women saying that they want a nice and decent man if they ever want to get into a relationship, let alone marriage. Guess the women around me are hitting their prime and their biological isn't doing them any justice either.

All that ranting and complains saying that nice and decent men are dead and how they would love to get their hands on one if they ever come across these rare species got me thinking. Then this question pops into my head which applies to all regardless of gender.

What makes us think we deserve that person?

I know of this person, let's call her A. A loves talking about stuff related to relationships and her kind of ideal person. Basically A feels that after all the bad and failed past relationship experienced, she feels that it's time for her to have a better man by her side; to serenate her, shower her with attention, treat her with utmost respect, love her like there's no tomorrow, a humble forgiving person and many more criterias. Another friend of mine, let's call him B, has shown interest and has made his advancement quite obvious. From my observation, B has been quite unfortunate. Whatever A wants, A gets, courtesy of B such as:

A needs transport to hangout with her friends, B will pick her up AND hangout with her friends while ditching his own friends.
A wants let's just say a very hard to find limited edition The Darkness CD, B would go out of his way to get it for her.
A few other incidents I can't really recall.

I'm not sure whether A actually knows of B's intentions, but from my point of view, I reckon that A is using him, regardless or not whether she realises it. B tells me that he doesn't seem to be getting any positive signs or any slightest hint that she's returning his advancements despite all he has done for her. I really pity that guy. From his past relationships, he was always taken advantage of from his exes due to his Mr. nice guy persona.

I'm an emphatic person (which will cause my downfall one day). I tend to put myself in someone else's shoe and try to feel or understand what they're going or went through. Knowing myself very well, I'm not a nice person and would definitely not want to hurt a good person.

Becareful of what you do. There's a thin line that separates a nice person and a fool. Don't mistaken a nice person for a fool as a nice person may not be a fool.

http://www.oxfordstudent.com/ht2001wk1/Columns/why_good_guys_finish_last

Void?I don't think so. It's called freedom

2007-06-19T03:09:00.000+08:00

Commitment phobes start each new relationship with high, and usually unrealistic expectations. But It doesn't take long for them to feel suffocated and trapped by the thought of a long-term commitment.

Lately I've just realised something. I'm already in the late 20s club!Damn I feel old. Now I'm starting to understand the advice from my seniors.

"Your life changes to the fast lane once you start working"

Guess I just have to run with the sands of time, without knowing what obstacles I'll stumble along on the way. The reason is that things move so fast, I just don't have the time to comprehend or register with them. One moment I started working, the next moment I have to buy a car, then the next, I have to buy a house. Judging from the trend, marriage is somewhere along those lines as well!

A lot of my peers are either married or planning to get married. I've already attended a few and let me tell you, the sight of them walking down the aisle feels like a time for mourning. I guess it's just me. The thought of marriage really scares me. I mean let alone the commitment and responsibilities, the financial security you must have in order to get married! You must have at least a minimum of RM50, 000 to get married! That's a lot of money if you ask me. After marriage, you must provide a roof for the missus. God knows how much you've gotta spend some more on that. It just doesn't stop there. Wait till the junior/s comes along. Bottom line, you've gotta be prepared to be a slave for the rest of your life which is just to much for me. Heck, I'm barely surviving, let alone supporting a partner.

I don't think I'm even looking to get into a relationship, let alone a state of matrimony. Guess I'm just not cut out for it and definitely not ready to move out of my comfort zone. Work and gym on the weekdays and fun over drinks with friends on the weekend. Getting into a relationship means I would have to give those up which is something I'm not too keen on doing just yet. From my past experience I can pretty much say it all. Sacrificing what I liked doing but ended up flat on my face is not a nice experience. People say my standards are too high but what do they know. It's hard to describe it. Maybe this can:

Baby, everything has fallen into place
My life is so exciting now I've got my space
Like a splash of water on my face
Lately I'm doing what I can do to pleasure me
I'm finding time to focus on my fantasies
I'm satisfied in my own company

I don't need your permission
To take this matter in my own two hands

Lady, all we seem to do is talk about
We take apart and analyse our ins and outs
Honey, I would rather do without

No-one to answer to
I won't spend another lifetime begging you

There's a spring in my stride
There's a twinkle in my dying eyes

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

-The Darkness-

Maneater on the prowl

2007-06-02T18:11:00.000+08:00

Danger grows on one stalk

STOP HARASSING ME!!!!!!STOP STALKING ME!!!!!

Which part of that do you not understand?!?!I've already told you I'm not interested. So if you don't mind fucking off and leave me alone?

...Calling me 10 times a day is not leaving me alone.

...Texting me 10 times a day is not leaving me alone.

...Calling me randomly when you're in a drunken state and start talking rubbish is not leaving me alone.

...Hoaxing me into to go out with you through a mutual friend is not leaving me alone.

...Investigating my background and profile through my friends is not leaving me alone.

In the first place, there was never a 'WE' but only 'YOU'. Don't kid yourself. I was never and never will be interested in you. There were no sparks like what you claim. Only from your end. Don't you get the message? I've already told you verbally and through my non-verbal gestures, I've clearly shown that I'm not interested. Friends/colleagues don't do the above on a daily basis.

I barely know you. Don't try to act as if you've known me for ages. Our relationship is purely and strictly professional. After office hours, I don't want to know you. I don't even want to be your friend. You know why? Cause I can't stand you! You always insist I'm like this or like that as if you've known me for ages and things are like this or like that as if you know how the world works but in real fact you just don't want to accept reality as it is. You'd rather live in your stupid fucking pathetic world of make believe. You're just damn full of yourself.

Why don't you just pick one of those 5-6 guys who you claimed to be out there vowing for your attention and leave me alone? Heck, why don't you drop everything and go to London to one of your so-called suitor who will take care of everything for you over there. Well since you're a woman of that material, you won't be needing me.

Don't force me to drastic action. If that happens, you can kiss your career and your social life goodbye.

We know the road to freedom has always been stalked by death.

A leopard never loses its spots

2007-04-09T03:46:00.000+08:00

Thieves from outside can be guarded against, but how to handle the ones inside?

During the days of our grandfathers, "loyalty" and "trust" are basis for everything especially business. Any good deed will never go unforgotten, unlike today. Moral fibre has eroded, or shall I say, non-existent?It had somehow vanished through a vortex of time.

At the moment, I'm doing freelance work for two of my friends who just started up their own IT/Engineering company. One of them shall be known as Kotek (best describes him) and the other one shall be known as B. Kotek is your typical fat, lazy, pathetic, irresponsible, unresourceful, playful, lying, desperate, childish, always looking for the easy way out, always looking for a way to make a fast buck kind of person. B on the other hand, is an accomplished E & E engineer (Graduated with a 2ND class upper honours), hardworking, resourceful, organised, practical, thrifty, honest, ethical and a person with integrity. Kotek and B were neighbours since young and that was how their friendship flourished. During their schooling days, Kotek was the typical outcast whilst B was one of the popular figures. Sympathising him, B took him around and introduced him to his friends (I was unfortunate to be one of them). Once he discovered that he made new friends that he never had before, he tried all kinds of things to impress them (i.e: Led a lavish lifestyle beyond his means, fabricate stories bout how big a player he is, how great a gambler he is, how good a car driver he is, how much sex he's getting, etc etc). When he realised that his pocket can no longer support that kind of lifestyle, he starting borrowing, cheating, stealing and even gambling. So much so that B and his family actually stepped it to save him a couple of times from bookies and loan sharks. When B decided to start this company, he actually threw Kotek a lifeline for his already future less and crumbled life. And guess what he did? Fucked B over by syphoning and embezzling money from of the company.

em·bez·zle (ěm-běz'əl)
tr.v. em·bez·zled,
em·bez·zling, em·bez·zles
To take (money,
for example) for one's own use in violation of a trust.

Well, one method he used is that he created false vendor accounts, and then supplied false bills to the company so that the cheques that are cut appeared completely legitimate. His bubble burst when his dirty scheme was uncovered by a routine audit. His method was relatively easy to detect but unfortunately most of his transactions were in cash, so it's quite far fledged to actually have him arrested and charged in court.

After all that's happened to him and all that we've done for him, we thought that he has changed for the better and became more matured and responsible. Boy were we wrong. What a bastard. Has he no conscience at all?!?! After all B and his family has done for him, this ungrateful trash still has the guts and balls to fuck them over. I just don't understand how he thinks he can get away with it. If he thinks that everyone around him are just plain gullible and naive, then he must be moron. Even after confronting him with hard evidence, he was still adamant on his stand that he was innocent. Not even a sign of remorse. What a prick. I wonder what is going through his mind right now. What actually triggered that man to act that way?I reckon there can only be three things:

Greed
Lust
Desperation

By nature, Kotek is a compulsive liar. I never really took what he says seriously. No matter what cock stories he told me before, I believe what drove him to act that way shouldn't deviate far from those mentioned above. Well based on his track record, I'm pretty sure it MUST be one of those.

We were all fooled badly. Once a con man, always a con man. Back stab and betrayed his best friend over a mere RM15 000. Well to B it's a small price to pay to learn how much a friendship that span over 28 years is worth. Well things could have been much worse right?

Moral of the story:

As bad as it may seem, never give someone the benefit of the doubt despite he/she showing any signs of remorse from previous crimes committed. They were capable of doing it, so what guarantees do we have that they won't do it again?A leopard never loses its spots and a Zebra never loses its strips.

MTV no good for health

2007-03-22T04:48:00.000+08:00

We're in an era where the MTV generation of people judges things based on visuals first

Finally I get to watched Fergie's video for her single "London Bridge" (Sorry la but my house don't subscribe to MTV and Channel V). For those who haven't, you can watch it here. I know was flabbergasted after watching it. Pay extra attention towards the ending of this video:

A quick trivia question:
Name me one of London's most iconic and recognised structure that was featured in this video clip?

Answer:
London Bridge??????

Or so it might seem. If what you're thinking is exactly as of the above, then I'll say what them cockneys would say to you:

Lawd above! you fuckin' buckit. , innit

You know why? Many, particularly in the United States, confuse the Tower Bridge with London Bridge. The video for her single "London Bridge", Fergie wrongly refers to Tower Bridge as London Bridge!

On a different note, I don't watch MTV that much. I don't see anything of interest on it, all I see are non-sensible shows and MTV talking about how cool MTV is. No doubt it has grown to be a major component in the music industry and it has change from video based programming in the past to the television series focused on today. I just feel that MTV has revolutionized and affected the whole world through its negative influence on society and culture. MTV has in many ways corrupted our culture with videos like the above that feeds wrong knowledge to audience like for example, projecting Tower Bridge AS London Bridge! Not forgetting shows such as Jackass, with their dangerous acts of stupid ness. I mean kids now a day are mimicking these shows and getting hurt or even killed!

Not only is violence a major issue, but sexual content and foul language is a huge part of MTV’s line up with shows constantly displaying sexual content and profanity on a regular basis. They not only make it seem like violence, sex and profanity are a norm in our society, they also make it as though it is the cool thing to do!

MTV has completely eroded our patience, our attention span, our communication abilities, and, most of all our intelligence and sanity. MTV is a mockery of our generation. Many people might beg to differ but that's just my 2cents anyway.

Back to the subject. If you don't know how London Bridge really looks like, look below:

Well there's nothing really to be ashamed of if you were thinking exactly what those idiots from MTV were. If this makes you feel any better, on 18 April 1968, London Bridge was sold to the American entrepreneur Robert P. McCulloch of McCulloch Oil for US$2,460,000. He bought it with the intentions of disassembling the bridge to be shipped to Lake Havasu City, Arizona where it'll then be reconstructed. But here is the thing

He mistakenly believed that he was buying the more impressive Tower Bridge!

Step 2: Outbound

2007-03-20T04:37:00.000+08:00

The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken

I quit my job on the Wednesday, packed my bags, settle some last minute responsibilities I owe to my old company and boarded an international outward-bound flight the following Saturday morning. My destination?

A little hint: This country successfully branded their underground public transportation system into a household name. I'll give you 10 seconds to guess.

One!

Two!!

Three!!!

Four!!!!

Five!!!!!

Six!!!!!!

Seven!!!!!!!

Eight!!!!!!!!

Nine!!!!!!!!!

Ten!!!!!!!!!!

Time's up!!!!

Still don't quite get the clue?ok ok fine. Then how about this one below?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Big Ben?London Eye?Bangers and mash?Cup 'o tea?'orrible food?Periwinkle blue caravans?Dags?Mary fucking Poppins

You should have know it by now. Yes London: The capital of the country that proudly parades its union jack high up in the sky.

My journey:

The journey there via MAS was just sheer hell. Service was horrendous and the food servings were as much as those in soup kitchens (2 meals for a 13 hour flight?!?!?!). The stewardesses?3 words:

Grotesque
Distasteful
Repugnant

I can go on and on but I shall not waste my time as time and tide waits for no man. Anyway I don't even know what I'm paying premium price for. Other air carriers (as much as I hate to admit it, SIA provides better services) are better at an even more affordable price.

Sleepless for almost 2 days due to the time difference, I was welcomed by what seemed like a mile long queue as soon as I touched down Heathrow Airport. After 45-50 minutes, I realised what was holding the queue. The culprits?Non-English speaking Pakistanis and sand niggers. I pity the translator, running from one counter to another as if his life depended on it. As soon as everything was sorted out, I thought that my anguish ended there since there was a tube station in the airport itself but nNnNooOo...after thoroughtly analysing the tube map, I realised I'm still in it for more:

As you can see, my sister lives in zone 4 which is the other end of outer London which requires me to change to the northern line. It took me like almost an hour just to get to her place. I had to take the Piccadilly line to Leicester Square to make the switch. What a bitch -_-' That basically sums up my first day there, besides the dinner I had with relatives residing there. The adventure starts the next day when I'm fully charged up and raring to go.

What can I say?London is a fantastic city. A cosmopolitan city offering a number of diverse neighbourhoods and pubs, impressive architecture, efficient public transportation (only at times mind you), picturesque parks and theaters playing to full houses. It is a city of separate areas, often famous in their own right and with distinctive characteristics.

English people have been stereotyped as cold and unfriendly, but the truth is that London is a busy, fast city. Through my observation, I believe that some English people are a little reserved and private but somehow I realised that most people I see during the day are busy travelling, shopping or working, not in the mood for socialising!When night falls, try heading down to the local pub for happy hour. With a little bit of effort, you're bound to meet a few nice, chatty, easy going and jovial blokes.

London, as everyone knows, is an expensive place to live and visit. What not so many people seem to realise however, is that the city does offer a wonderful range of things to do for people who doesn’t even have a penny in their pocket....ME!Surprise huh?Well it depends on what your interests are. I know mine is to savour the so-called London culture and experience. All that is required is a sense of adventure and a trusty up to date London guide book.Trust me, nothing beats the satisfaction of finding it.

Things I did for free:
Well, I've attempted to decipher the Rosetta Stone in the British Museum without any luck (I'll pay top dollar to anyone who can do it), gazed at the original Apollo 10 Command module in the Science Museum (my rocket scientist brother would love it), and marveled at the work of the world’s greatest artists, from Monet's 'Bathers at La Grenouillère' to Picasso's Child with a Dove, and even Damien Hirst, at the National Gallery and the Tate Modern.

That alone wasn't enough to satisfy my cultural needs. Next in line was the Victoria and Albert Museum in Knightsbridge which houses collections of almost every man made object you can imagine (From a 15th-century Minbar to a Tipu's Tiger made around 1795 to a Mazarin Chest made around 1640) and the National Maritime Museum, in the centre of the spectacular Maritime Greenwich World Heritage Site.

When I had enough culture for one day and was simply looking to relax, then one of London’s picturesque parks makes for an ideal location. The views on a clear day from Alexandra Palace or the Royal Observatory hill in Greenwich Park are possibly the finest in London I must say.

A visit to London’s markets are simply fantastic and probably the best way to soak up the atmosphere of the capital’s various districts. The Chrisp Street and Spitalfields Markets in the East End hold regular free events, including seasonal festivals and displays of local artists. Another market not to be missed, Camden Market, especially on a Sunday, is hard to beat. Weird and wonderful rhythms, fashions, tastes, and smells all competing for my attention, while the market itself is so big that I couldn't cover it all in an afternoon.
*Disclaimer: The term "free" does not include tube, buses and railway fares

London is also a city filled with vibrant musical theatre scenes all thanks to big budget West End theatre productions. It is a MUST watch even if it'll cost you 30 pounds! Well for what it's worth, there were claims that the West End theatre scene is much bigger than Broadway. After watching a few, I was an instant believer craving for more only to be disappointed for my wallet wasn't allowing me to do so. Sadly I couldn't manage to get them on DVD. Don't think they are even available in stores!

Well besides being a traveller (an extremely thirsty one I might add), I've also taken the liberty to contact and catch up with some old mates. Some I've not seen in years!

Jess:
Sis, thanks for taking time off your busy schedule to show me around. Thanks for taking me for spicy Korean food that left me with a fiery belly. Thanks for taking me for a night out of fun with your London based NZ crew in Tiger Tiger and the other club I can't seem to remember. I had a great time (except for that little incident involving that cunt of an Englishman). Send my regards to them the next time you all meet up ya?

Hsern Wei:
The man who really took the effort and time to show me a great time. Thanks for taking me out for a pint or two (sometimes more) during happy hour, introducing me to cidars (not forgetting, teaching me the method to drink them while I keep insisting that it's all a marketing propaganda) and accompanying me for all the London walks especially the Ghost by gaslight - The Spooky London Pub Crawl (where we discovered a piece of history called Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese) and the Jack the Ripper walk. Will never forget your random phrases during the walk like a "Oh Lord!12 more pubs to cover and this is my second pint already" and will definitely cherish the "Jack the Ripper walk that wasn't meant to be all thanks to a failing HP batt" experience. Please find me a nice normal pretty English girl that I can marry so that I can go back to London on a longer term basis ok?And 1 more thing. Please LOCATE that pikey video for my viewing pleasure.

Nikki:
Thanks for the "Sorry for not getting back to you earlier. BTW, it's Guy Fawkes Night...let's shoot some crackers!". Oh yeah!Before I forget happy belated b'day (it's 4.18am, 20th March 2007 here in Malaysia). Hope to meet the Mister the next time we meet ya?

Nic:
Thanks for the "Sorry dude can't meet up...caught up with work". At least we did a little catching up over the phone. Don't be a stranger when you come back ok?

Carl:
Was great to finally have met you. Thanks for adding up to the pool of fun during our Korean and Vietnamese themed dinners. Will definitely remember that button badge businesses are a force to be reckon with. But on a different note, I'm really jealous of you. A civil engineer who gets paid shitload just to erect traffic lights. So when is our next session for drinks?

Well, there's so much to tell and so much to show bout London. I had the best time there plus a few other major European cities as well. The country; captivating, the culture; distinctive, the company; enchanting and the experience; extraordinary. If opportunity arises, without a doubt, without thinking twice, I would jump the wagon for sure. Well maybe for a couple of years. London is definitely not for the old, retired and the weak hearted. It's a good place to experience while we're still young. To sum up what London is like, I would say:

You either love it or hate it..just like Marmite.

When a man is tired of London he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford

Step 1: Resigning

2006-12-06T04:07:00.000+08:00

Human life is everywhere a state in which much is to be endured and little to be enjoyed.

The past two months has been crazy for me. First things first, after all the ranting, I've decided that enough is enough so I finally tendered in my resignation and quit my job. Let me remind you during that time, I didn't have any solid backup plan of what so ever. It was more of a leap of faith.

I tendered in my resignation on a Friday and decided to give a weeks' notice which I believed was more than fair for the agency as I wasn't officially a confirmed staff...Well technically (which I later found out after I threw in my resignation letter that I was actually confirmed BUT the letter was suppose to arrive the following Monday). After much persuasion from ex-BigBoss:

ex-BigBoss: I've gotten your letter. I'm sorry to see you leave. To tell you the truth, you're actually confirmed. Your confirmation letter is being printed and will be ready this coming Monday.

Me: Oh really? Guess I must be a step ahead.

ex-BigBoss: Are you resigning because of SmallBoss?

Me: *coverline* eerr eerr no no no...Don't get me wrong. It really has nothing to do with her. As you've already heard, I've actually secured a job interview in London. I mean I can't forgo an opportunity like this which hardly comes by. I've already declined a job offer before in Australia last year. I can't do it again.

ex-BigBoss: Ok how bout this. Why don't you take a break and head for London. Sort out your job interview there. Your interview is in two weeks time right?Take two weeks off then. I mean in the event that if it doesn't work out, you can come back and work for us. Don't have to throw in your resignation letter just yet. The thing is that I want to evaluate you myself when SmallBoss go for her maternity leave in October.

Me: But I feel it won't be fair for you and the agency. It'll be very selfish of me to do just that. I can't be holding you and the agency for ransom so that I can have a safety net. *scores brownie points!*

ex-BigBoss: Hhhhmmm.....I understand. Is there anything I can do to make you stay?

Me: Unfortunately, I've already made up my mind. I'm quite adamant with my decision. Really sorry.

ex-BigBoss: Well, guess there's nothing much I can do but to wish you all the best and success in all your endeavors. I really do hope you'll get the job that you've been waiting for. Do come back and pay us (the agency) a visit.

Me: Thank you very much. I really do hope I get it. Thank you very much for all that you've done for me too and all that you've taught me. This decision was really really hard for me. The people in this agency are like family. I'll definitely miss you all.

Well, that's that. Next thing to do is to leave the agency on good terms. What better way than leaving a good impression prior to my departure?

Be responsible and be accountable for what you do

Those were the wise words my old man instilled into me since I was a young lad and I TRY to live by that motto. Well, in that week, I rushed to finish up all the jobs that was put under my care and made sure that I had nothing left on my plate.

On Wednesday (2 days to my last day), ex-SmallBoss called me into her office. She asked me to stay and help her out till the next Wednesday. As a gesture of goodwill, I ardently agreed, hoping to leave a mark on her.

How stupid of me. I was naive enough to fathom the notion "The good deed you do today, will come back to you some day, for humanity's a circle in deed" and "There is only one way of not hating those who do us wrong, and that is by doing them good". You know why?After all the slogging and sacrifice for ex-SmallBoss, this were her parting words to me:

"Ok.....If anything goes wrong, you're gonna expect calls from me"

-_-' What happened to the good old "Thanks for everything" or "Good luck in your future endeavors"?ma ge chow hai...Who do I look like to her?A slave working in the cotton fields?!?!?Ungrateful I tell you! Everytime there was an outing with the clients, I always end up going with my colleague while ex-SmallBoss FFK us. I had to whore myself (well not literally but I had to flirt with them or play along with their advancement) to the female clients especially to this stupid married lady who tried to get me into the sack with her!!Everytime I had to meet her for work, she'll tell me that I am good looking and that she would like to take me out. The worst part is that she literally asked my colleague how potent I was and their opinion on how I would perform in bed!!

I shall spare the details. Back to the subject. I'm quite glad that I finally chose this decision. I can bet that I won't even be working with her again or anywhere near her since I sure ain't going back into the advertising industry. Torrid experience....the horrorrrrrrrrrr

P/S: She doesn't smile but frowns a lot. She also emit a kind of unfriendiness and bitchiness to the people around her which causes many to find her repulsive, distasteful and loathsome. Hence the sour face. Trust me. I've received complains bout her from clients and colleages alike.

Lifestyle of the hectic

2006-09-15T02:17:00.000+08:00

For us, simplicity was changing our lifestyle. It meant giving up some things, but it has also meant that we gained a lot

I'm so sick and tired of talking bout my working life and my workplace so, I've made my own resolve that I'll never talk nor blog about work on a serious note after office hours. Besides, blogging about your workplace or organization can get you fired. *ssshhhhh* the moderators are watching our every move. They can hear us!

My lifestyle is like a monotonous routine. Week in, week out I do the same thing over and over again.

Mondays: After work, futsal 10.00pm - 12.00am
Tuesdays: After work, gym 9.30pm - 11.30pm
Wednesdays: After work, futsal 10pm - 11pm
Thursdays: After work, gym 9.30pm - 11.30pm
Fridays: After work, happy hour whole night long
Saturdays: Wake up, lunch then basketball *night free*
Sundays: Wake up, lunch then gym

Well a routine lifestyle isn't always a bad thing. I get a lot of questions like:

"Wah so healthy!"
"OMG!How do you do it?"
"How can you tahan with your hectic schedule?"

My secret?It's not much of a secret really. It's just a matter of getting into the habit. I guess I find gym and recreational sports very therapeutic. It takes my mind off work and all of my worries. The initial stages were very difficult as at times I had to drag my feet to go for them. But the after effects of gym/recreational sports are just amazing. Throw in a mixture of relaxing and easy music after a nice hot shower is just heavenly. The feeling of tranquility and serenity overwhelms you before you hit the sack. What better way to end your day with a nice and deep slumber and wake up fresh and happy?

As good as it might sound but there are its repercussion. Lately I've realised that I'm becoming anti-social. End of the day, I felt that it's not worth your friends. Now I'm trying my best to amend the broken ties or loose ties that was inflicted as a result of my exclusion from my mates.

I miss my friends very much and you all know who you are =(

On a different note, a quick history fact for the misperception of the term "pommy". All these while, Aussies used the term "pommy" as a colloquial term to describe a British person, and is often shortened to "Pom". After speaking to a certain friend of mine, I found out that the term "pom" is actually a shortened acronym of Prisoner of His/Her Majesty (POHM). History has it that many of Australia's first settlers were convicts. Upon conviction, they were sentenced to transportation, and upon arrival in the country they would be given a uniform with POHM emblazoned on the back, and that convicts with an extended stay on Australian soil would no longer have to wear the shirt and would often refer to newer entrants into the country as "Pohmmys". Other suggestions hold that POM is a different acronym, such as "Prisoner of Mother England" or "Port of Melbourne".
.
.
.
.
.
Now the serious question..who are the REAL pommys?*Confuse mouse*

Good while it lasted

2006-08-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

What was is now what's done. It's time to forget the past

Last weekend, a mate of mine invited me to attend some event but was unable to because of other commitments. While he was there, he sms-ed me:

You'll never guess who's standing next to me...your ex!

From the content of his replied smses, I suspected that he was trying to tell me something. Eventhough I was curious, I brushed all suspicions aside. It's either I'm just tired of these charades especially when it comes to matters related to her or I just couldn't care less. Well anyway, the next day, he stopped the charades and broke the news to me straight in my face. She's seeing someone new.

Well my reaction to it was some sort lukewarm. I didn't feel scared nor pain nor sad nor bitter, basically all these surpressed feelings. In fact I was quite glad that she has found some one new. I actually did feel happy for her, from the bottom of my heart.....honestly! Guess I've came to terms my with flaws and weaknesses and accepted my imperfections. It was only fair for myself to feel this way. Besides, keeping something which was never mine to begin with equates to stealing.
.
.
.
Steal Pronunciation Key (stl)v. stole,(stl)sto·len,(stln) steal·ing,steals v.tr.

To take (the property of another) without right or permission

I guess this new person in her life possess the qualities that I obviously don't have. Qualities that matches up with her and furnishes her with happiness. I don't hold any grudges and hope that this new found person of hers' won't do the same as what she did to me. If she's happy, then good things don't have to come to an abrupt end, that's why I'm wishing her well. I hope that she'll be much happier with him than she ever was with me. All the best and take good care of yourself, and your new found partner (ok that was a bit cheeky...nyek nyek nyek).

In closing, I'll leave behind a quote which sums up my 2 cents on my past relationships:

"All's fair in love and war." - Francis Edward Smedley -

The best of man is the man who in wishing her well wishes it for her sake

BEWARE: Lady bosses on board

2006-07-31T00:28:00.000+08:00

Day in and day out we work. We work very hard. We work to make a living to pay the bills

I know its the oldest and lamest excuse but I'm still going to say it anyway. Haven't been blogging lately due to the fact that *deep breath*

I've been so consumed with work!!!

It's official. I'm a magnet for fucked up bosses. Don't get me wrong. I do like my job. I do like what I do. But the only thing I dislike....let me rephrase that...the only thing I FUCKING HATE about my job is my bitchy, sour faced, unfriendly, rude, arrogant, disrespectful, ass-kissin, spoiled brat boss of mine.

She's always so uptight as if there's an invisible needle up her anus. So it's either that or she just hates the pure presence of my being. She acts as if I owe her a living or murdered her whole family. I've basically shred blood and sweat for her and the thanks I've gotten?

Dear James,

EXTENSION OF PROBATIONARY PERIOD

We refer to your recent evaluation and wish to inform that your probationary period with us will be extended for another 3 months. You will be evaluated again on the 6th September 2006.

Thank you.

That's utter bullshit if you ask me. When they broke the news to me, I was FUMING! This is the first time in my life that I've gotten my probation extended and this is currently my third job. Well, there's no point dwelling in self pity. Just try harder for next 3 months, pouring my heart and soul into it. In situations like this, I also told myself that I'm not going to blatantly work myself to the bone. I also need to craft up a contingency plan in the event things take the turn for the worse. So I guess it's time to start looking at the classifieds and job hunting websites like jobstreet.

The hound dog is going to work. He is going to work. He is out there.

Tebuman: Zaidi is boss

2006-06-19T02:11:00.000+08:00

Control is key...pass me the vodka!

Thanks guys for the weekend (more like last weekend)!We threw a pool side BBQ (well sort of) party for Looney and Boonie at YC's new apartment at Mont Kiara.......

The air that night was just filled with nothing but joy, laughter, food, alcohol, hassling, embarrassment and even more alcohol. Most importantly is that my night was spent among the company of my close friends.

The evening started with six lost souls trying to find our way to YC's apartment. Everyone was giving directions to poor Boonie and no one listened. If that wasn't enough, it took 1 hour for 4 DJ boys to start a fire -_-' while the women were busy complaining and whinning from hunger. YC, it was Looney who claimed to be a scout BECAUSE he knows the scout song that goes:

Ging gang gooli gooli watcha ging gang goo....ging gang goo

We (the boys) started the fire but the girls cooked. At first I was skeptical but now I'm a believer. YC took charge of the cooking and as much as I hate to admit, her damn meats were awesome especially the lamb!! *drool*. Not forgetting, kudos to Niz's rice fusion which I reckon was out of this world. Must remind myself to get the recipe from her when I see her at work tomorrow.

The food is served and the alcohol is chilled. That was when all the madness started. YK was busy snapping pictures but I noticed she has a fascination for sausages.

The initial after BBQ plan was to head down to Ruums (I think), but instead we retreated to YC's apartment to get even more drunk and other things which wasn't available (SLOPS!Too bad). We tried watching some movie but eventually succumbed to the football fever AND we even resorted to sending SMS to the chat room on channel 16 on Astro.

There we have it...a bunch of young working adults getting excited while crowding infront of the TV, waiting anxiously for our sms to appear on TV with the camera on standby to take a pic of the message.

Then, one by one.........

*I'm not drunk ok!Just let me sleep for a while....* <----YC's excuse

*Shit man....I damn kow drunk* <-----Niz's excuse

They all passed out.....Guess it's a hint for us to hit the road back to our crypt. But before going home, a group picture is a must!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

*TtTtAaaAaDdDdAaAaA!!!* Say Cheese

P/S: I know I'm 1 week late....my apology for that...been really caught up with work and other things. Well at least better late than never!

You can take a sausage from a man, but you cannot take the tu lan out from the heart

The mark of the Beast?

2006-06-06T03:41:00.000+08:00

When the Jews return to Zion / And a comet rips the sky / And the Holy Roman Empire rises, / Then You and I must die. / From the eternal sea he rises, / Creating armies on either shore, / Turning man against his brother / 'Til man exists no more

6-6-6...merely a curious number or could it mean our number is up?There's a devilishly odd nexus of theology, mathematics and commercialism on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year. Many may be predicting doom on the Anti-Christ day which is today, 6/6/06. According to the Bible, the mark of 666 is the name of the beast mentioned in Chapter 13 of the Bible's Book of Revelation. The significance of the 666 number comes from the passage which warns calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person and the passage says the number is 666. Scary huh?Well look no further. I had the fright of my life when I saw this:

Don't blame me. I am after all a God fearing person.

After doing some research, I came to a conclusion that I should just ignore the date. Through my discovery, I've learnt that when Christianity took over the Roman calendar, in the 4th Century, the monk who compiled the dates got it wrong. We assume that Satan knows that the sixth day of the sixth month in 06 was in fact the 6th June 2002. Historians backdated to confirm the timeline of activities in 1582, and it was discovered the dating was four years out. The mistake had not been corrected and that going by the original dates, 6/6/06 had been four years ago!

It's already 6th June 2006 and I'm here blogging at this ungodly hour and I have work tomorrow. Time to sleep and close the case on this nonsense -_-' The emotional rollercoaster for nothing. Utterly bullshit. Still scared?Stand on your head and it'll be 999.

Revelation 13:18: Let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty-six.

Cold Hard Bitch

2006-04-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

Romance is dead, hence bitterness is born

Finally I'm back into blogging after a span of over a month. Been really busy with things especially my new job. Yes I know. I'm married to my job -_-'. So much has happened, so much to write. I don't even know where to start!

Recently I've made a trip back to the land down under ala Sydney. The place where I spent the last four years of my life (FYI, it was Perth and not Sydney but what the heck...its still Australia). Going back to Australia was really nostalgic and it brought back sweet memories. I miss the laid back culture; the weather; the lifestyle; the independence; the diverse culture; the public transport efficiency; the wages per capita; the parks; the shopping to name a few. Basically I miss working and living in Australia. Then it strucked me. What an imbecile I was to give up something I actually wanted for myself. Well all is not lost. There's still chance of assimilating back into the Aussie lifestyle and workforce. My last glimmer of hope:

ATTENTION:

Male seeking for woman over the age of 18 (not by too much) with Australian PR wanted for business arrange marriage
Willing to be mail order groom
Look's don't matter much, just provide paper bag
Housekeeping available
Willing to bake cakes while spouse at work
And *BONUS* - willing to go down for status

All this for FOC. Call 1-800-orderme for more information

As you can see above, I received this msg from "her" bout 2 weeks ago. Initially curiousity roamed my mind. Knowing her, she's not those kind who would give a flying fuck concerning her exes. Because of that, you can't blame me for being curious right?Thats beside the point. I mean I haven't spoken or seen her since last year and suddenly *BOOM* a message from her. Well, after reading the message, my whole mood changed. If its her idea of a joke, it's not funny. If its her idea of hurting me, its not painful. If she thinks I would still yield to her demands, I'm not her dog. To be honest, I don't feel jack shit. I don't hate her nor habour any feelings for her.

In actual fact, I didn't even realised that OUR pictures were still posted up on my frienster profile. I have other better and productive things to do with my time rather than constantly updating my friendster profile. I also didn't fathom her to be someone so school-yard-ish about it anyway. Some of my friends suggested that I should just pick out more photos I have of US and flood it on my frienster profile. That would have been hilarious!!At the end of the day, its not worth it. No point getting worked up over nothing. I know for a fact that it wouldn't affect her one bit. As far as I know, she's seriously the COLDEST and MEANEST bitch I've ever come across. If anyone out there who wants to take lessons in being strong enough to leave your BF and stay cold enough to be remain that way, I would strongly recommend her. Results guaranteed.

That's all the time I have for now. A long day ahead tomorrow. Will post up the pics I took from Sydney soon and stay tune for more of my never ending workplace trials and tribulations.

P/S: The pics in my frienster profile are staying. Don't get my wrong. The reason I'm letting it be is because I reckon I looked good in them and not for sentimental shit reasons. Firstly, they are pictures of US and not YOU alone you fucking dumb cunt. Secondly, the last thing I need is another cocked eye girl to ruin nice takes of me.

Sexual Harassment anyone?

2006-03-12T05:07:00.000+08:00

The true snob never rests; there is always a higher goal to attain, and there are, by the same token, always more and more people to look down upon

I started my new job this week and it was fabulous. Eventhough the hours were long (I work ALMOST 12 hours everyday since I started and its only my first week!), I really enjoyed the experience. My boss was really nice and helpful. My mentor, a 29 year old LADY who thinks she's forever 21!(Sounds familiar YC?), led me and showed me all that needs to be learn hence I've learnt so much in a week than I did in a month in my previous company. Without a doubt and without fail, she'll really take the time and patience to teach me. I owe you one for that ;-) The only thing I'm still taking the time to get use to is the culture. You see, in most companies, sexual harassment is a big NO NO but my company seems to condone sexual harassment!The funny part is that the women in my company are the ones who're practicing it!The ratio of men to women in my company is 1:3(maybe a little exaggerated) and everyone seems to work long hours which means no time for social life. So I guess they are pretty much deprived of men. My first week there and I've got hassled by those women. *sigh*. Even my mentor loves to hassle me! But she said she can't get angry with me because I always take everything, good or bad, with a smile =)

Enough of that. Time to move on to more emo and dramatic stuff. After coming out from an almost perfect relationship which ended without a heart beat nor a reason, broadening my horizon by MEETING other girls was SUPPOSE to help me realise that there are much better girls out there besides her. But it seems that wasn't the case. I'm not trying to look for a one night stand nor looking for some one to replace her. I just want to make more friends, expand my network. Simple as that. But its a shame that some girls nowadays think they're fucking all that. I'm not condemning all girls are like that but they are some who are like that out there. But it seems like the more girls I meet, the more I think she's still one of the best in the market which heaps of my mates find arguable.

These girls think that they're fucking hot and that everyone wants to be affiliated with them but it real fact

They're NOT hot
Nobody gives a fucking rats ass bout them

Gggeeezzz I just can't stand all this shit. They can fuck off for all I care. I mean if they have a BF but they don't want to make more friends or they want to show attitude or want to be hostile to new people they meet in the name of loyalty, then they're being dumb cunts. It's the zone that seems oh-so familiar to me. I've been there and done that before. The result?Coming out last with your feelings shattered into million bits and pieces while using your very last ounce of whatever you have left to pick up those bits and pieces to start afresh.

Phinkboutit.....................................

I've been tagged

2006-03-07T01:41:00.000+08:00

This is for you Su!Accept the fact that you're becoming a blogwhore -_-' slowly coming out from the closet aye?

Four jobs I have had in my life:

An animal
A hassling photoshop editor
A substance abuser
Being myself (Longest I've held)

Four nicknames I've been given:

Jeegit
Chikotek
Cheekit tek
Animal *RRoOoAaArRr*

Four movies I would watch over and over:

Snatch
Lock, stock and two smoking barrels
Any Chow Seng Chi movies
My sassy girl

Four places I have lived:

Damansara Jaya(Only place I lived in M'sia)
Doubleview (Perth)
Mosman Park (Perth AGAIN)
Victoria Park (Perth AGAIN & AGAIN)

Four TV shows I love to watch:

Bleach
Prison Break
Gensomaden Sayuki
Bold and the beautiful

Four places I have been on vacation:

Sydney
Singapore
Port Dickson
I hate travelling

Four things I could NOT live without:

My buds (You'll know who you are)
Computer
Internet
Reality (Proof of our existence)

Four of my favorite foods:

Kam San mix rice
Klang Ba kut teh
Nasi kandar Kayu
Dengkil Hakka mee

Four places I would rather be right now:

A place in my head
Somewhere over the rainbow
The place where my heart is
6 feet under

Four friends who I have tagged that I think will respond

Looney
YC
Arboon
Aiyah basically anyone who wants to FI. By all means go ahead and do it and say I tagged you

Enough said..........................time to sleep ZzZzZzZzzZ

UNTITLED

2006-03-05T05:36:00.000+08:00

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

Enough said..............................................

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much rejoicing. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in my mouth. The smell still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can't get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in. Sink or swim. I don't care. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never. I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder. With her. With it. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, you're right. What the hell was I thinking. Why didn't I say . . . . something. My line of thinking was, if she doesn't want it, I don't want to push it..Why try to keep her where she doesn't want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to. She was happy. There were nights I cried. When we were together and then I took her home and on the way home I cried. Not because I was sad, or even missed her already, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn't contain myself. I talked to God. Whether I believed in him or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn't believe it was real. That I could actually touch her. Kiss her. Look into her perfect brown eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen her before. In the coffee shop. And I said to myself

"I would give up everything if she would even turn my way"

She was light years beyond me. Another plane. Another class. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for me. I couldn't even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did she feel what I felt? I have to believe she did. If I didn't it would be so hard to breathe. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be her. No one will have those big brown eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all her secrets. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that. I'm scared. I'm so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I'm right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself? Can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I'm afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one she chose. The one she calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! She is the one who reaches out for you. For me. She once said...I need you....I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something so pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn't anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance. I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath studder in the cold. She. She can be almost anyone. She can read me like a book. I will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print ; easy to read. Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I'm found. I was blind but now I see. Maybe I don't want to.........

All my life I've waited
to see your smile again
In my mind I've hated
Not able to let go

Goodbye and farewell!

2006-02-27T15:22:00.000+08:00

Yet Again, It has been proven to me, that no matter what...I will always be considered the exspendable person

Recently, things have been looking up for me (sort of in a way). Last Friday I went in for a second interview with an advertising agency. After the interview, on the spot, he said this to me:

James, I like you very much and I want to hire you.

To hearing the offer, I had a face that exuded joy and relieve. Finally I'm getting out of that stupid shit hole I've been in for the past 3 months. Despite the fact that I'll be getting a pay cut and a demotion if I choose this job, it didn't bother me that much. Monetary factors are not the only element that motivates me although I would be called a liar if I said no. Besides that, my career path will suffer a setback due to the fact I'm starting from scratch (considering I'm taking a bold move in changing to a whole new industry) and I'm already 25 years old this year. To me, job satisfaction involves:

Workplace culture
Scope of work
Dynamic colleagues
Company synergy

I want a job where I can wake up every morning feeling enthusiastic about going to work. Hopefully I made the right choice in making a switch to all whole new industry. I'm going to tender in my resignation this Tuesday and I've decided to give a week notice before leaving (since I'm not confirmed yet). For this whole week, I'm going to be showing some attitude for screwing me over.

Now I can say good riddance to my current pathetic company. Good riddance to my badly managed company. Good riddance to my sly and sneaky boss. Good riddance to bad food. Good riddance to MC infested Cyberjaya!!I was warned that this job I'm taking is going to be hectic as well. I'm going to work around the clock with no time for girls or social life which is fine by me. It might be a good thing for me. Knowing myself, if I have too much time on my hands, my mind will start enticing for trouble, wandering into unwanted territory.

Looking back at the past 6 months, it really has been a journey of perseverance, soul searching, heart wrenching and depression. Guess its just parts and parcel of a post-relationship process. At the end of the day, I concluded that she's not worth a second shot. No girl is worth a second shot. I find that the person who most deserve the best is myself.

I must have mistaken her for somebody else. Somebody who gave a damn. Somebody more like myself.

I realised that the only person who actually gave a damn was myself. How stupid of me. I was playing those foolish games all along. Lesson that I've learnt?A losing battle is a battle not worth fighting for. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

True love is like Santa, you grow up believing in it then find out it just doesn't exist.

P/S: I know I'm bitter as hell. Women are a waste of time and a waste of energy. The emotional rollercoasters are not worth it.

Romance is dead

2006-02-13T02:08:00.000+08:00

We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies

Valentine's day is just around the corner. Its time of the year where fancy eateries/fine dining hike their prices up. Florist and gift shops jack up prices. Valentine's day is just another day where commercial businesses can take the opportunity to make a quick buck. Prices of flowers i.e roses goes as high as 3-4 times than its normal price. Its just ridiculous. Nevertheless, I'm quite tempted to order a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her office (got a feeling I'm gonna get a lot of scolding for this!).

During this time of the year, people will be racing to find that PERFECT gift for their loved ones. Then the question "what is the perfect gift?" pop into my head. For kicks, I embarked on a quest to find THAT perfect gift. After countless hours of searching, I finally came to a conclusion that there is no such thing as the perfect gift. By my standards this monopoly set is by far the BEST valentine's day gift any bitter person (people like me!) should receive.

I guess valentine's day would be special if you have some one to share it with. For me, its just another day I'll be dreading. Watching all those advertisements promoting "valentines day specials" just don't quite cut it for me. Most of my friends know that I'm going through a bad period at the moment but then I still get questions like:

"Hey...what are your plans for valentine's day?"

I mean how ignorant can some people be?Even after knowing that I'm still in the shit hole, they still have the heart to ask me that question. What would a heart broken single guy do on valentine's day?Let me tell you

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!SO STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!!

In my opinion, valentine's day is just another business opportunity stirred up by commercial entities for business reasons. Let me give you a brief history on how this so-called a day of romance came about. Legend has it that valentine's day was celebrated in the name of a priest named Valentine who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II (the emperor of Rome that time) decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, so he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

The real meaning of valentine's day has been tainted and deviated from what it SHOULD be. Therefore, valentine's day is stupid, commercial, meaningless and overrated. The true meaning of valentine's day is dead.

P/S: Notice that the letter "v" in each of the word "valentine's" isn't in capital letter?Its because I have lost respect for the meaning of today's valentine's day.

Disclaimer: This entry is based solely on my own personal opinion. For those who are a true believer of today's meaning of valentine's day, I totally respect your choice and know that I don't hate nor discriminate people who wants to pamper their loved ones on this special occasion. By all means, go ahead and have a great time and a romantic evening. Cheers!

Chinese New Year

2006-02-05T05:39:00.000+08:00

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts

Chinese New Year is here. Bring on the mahjong tables. Bring on the good food. Bring on the angpows. Bring on the red attire. Bring on the yee sang. That's what CNY is all about isn't it? For me, I had to go back to me old man's hometown in Ipoh. The jam was quite horrible. Normally it would take an average of 2 hours to reach Ipoh but I've been on the road for 4 hours?!?Anyhow it didn't really matter much since I slept the whole way through

Besides the good food and the beautiful women, Ipoh has nothing really to shout about. There's practically nothing to do there. After the reunion dinner, my Ipoh cousins took me to this club, supposedly the most happening club in Ipoh called Y2K. Yes I know the name sounds a bit dodgy and the name says it all. The setting of the club seems alright but the patrons there are one hell of a rowdy crowd. Imagine I went inside with shorts and slippers!It feels like I'm stepping into Rush!!NO offence but Rush is quite dodgy, in my opinion. It was like a time bomb waiting to explode. True enough, I was there 2 nights in a row and 2 nights I witness fights. But one thing I have to admit

DAMN!!!Ipoh really DO have a lot of fine chicks. The only slack?crude, vulgar and "la la"....what a waste

This CNY had been quite a wild one. Haven't been really sober for this whole week!As I'm writing this posting, I'm quite drunk. Guess I write better when I'm in that state.

I remember my CNY last year like it was yesterday. I was celebrating it in Australia with my family who came over. It was my first time celebrating CNY away from home and it was also the first time my family met her. She would follow me to all my family dinners and family outings. I can't believe it happened a year ago!It really felt like all these happened only yesterday.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe

Revisited

2006-01-16T02:44:00.000+08:00

The thinker dies, but his thoughts are beyond the reach of destruction. Men are mortal but their thoughts are immortal

I've been pretty caught up with heaps of things lately. Firstly since Chinese New Year is around the corner, so work just keeps on piling up. Secondly, my younger brother just finished his studies and got back from Australia so been busy spending time with him as he's going to leave to Europe this coming Friday to do some survey and research on post-graduate studies there.

The last weekend was quite slow and quiet for me, besides the fact that last Friday I was half drunk from attending a birthday dinner with heaps of wine at Opus (Bangsar), a short mini gethering with old Perth-ling friends (TSB) and a farewell party filled with heaps of beer and liquor (Bar Flam)!That night was just very nostalgic as I met up and catch up with friends whom I haven't seen in ages!This is what they had to say to me:

OMG!What happen to you?Why so macho now (Refering to my facial hair)?What happened to the cute-cute little boy look back in high school! -_-'
We were just talking bout you during NYE. L **** (her name) asked bout you and she was wondering how you would look like now. I had a pic of you in my HP so I showed it to her. (The pic was taken end 2002)
Wow!You lost a lot of weight!

Went home early though. We (me and my brother) had to go down to Ipoh the next day (under me old man's orders). Haven't seen our grandmotherS (with a "S") since we got back so its high time we pay them a visit. Since I broke up, I would ideally prefer to avoid my relatives, especially the older ones. You know the thing bout relatives is that they can't believe that you've all grown up and working. Then they start showing interest in your pre-quarter life by asking you bout your job. And comes the question I've been dreading to hear, let alone answer (The reason I hate confronting them in my current emotional state):

"So do you have a girlfriend?" OR "Dating/seeing anyone?"

Looking back, I've been indulging in a lot of things that I wouldn't be proud of until recently I've decided to opt for a more subtle lifestyle. I have to stop all these nonsense. I feel its not doing me any good plus the fact that these foreign substances amplifies my depression to a different level. Paranoia and depression overwhelms, fear and anxiety consumes, sanity and reality crumbling. Almost everything I see, touch or feel with my five senses reminds me of her or somehow relates to her, even trivial things. Times when my thoughts drift into blank space, I've developed a habit of talking to myself. To makes matters worse, my dreams of her has been going on a daily basis. Its getting more chronic. I'm trying very hard to get my act back together. I've joined the gym at 1 Utama and I've started looking for other jobs which I feel would really suit me. In fact, I've gone for an interview last Thursday! I was told that according to the chinese horoscope, people in the year of the Rooster will enjoy good luck by abundance this new year*. Keeping my fingers crossed.......
*The year of the dog only takes effect after CNY according to the chinese lunar calendar

Same shit different year

2006-01-03T15:12:00.000+08:00

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect

The curtains for the year 2005 closed to usher in the new year of 2006. Reflecting back on the past year, I would say 2005 was a year filled with ups and downs for me. The first half of the year was one of the best times I've ever had and the second half of the year was one of the worst times I've ever been through. Exactly a year ago, I was ushering in the new year on the beach overlooking Perth city as the fireworks embraced the skyline. What an unforgettable beautiful sight.

A new year means a new beginning. It doesn't seem to make a difference for me. It just feels like this new year is just another year filled with the same bullshit as last year. I see no point in making any resolutions for the new year when I know I can't deliver. One of the things I learnt from the war is that I should take 2006 by the day and not by the year. Never plan your year so far ahead as unforseen circumstances can be a stumbling block. Hopes can be dash, joy and happiness can crumble. Depression and misery can consume. Let us not forget this as we embrace the new year with ambiguity and doubt.

Lately I had another friend who's going through the wars. As she relates her situation to me, it all seemed so familiar. As if I was going through a deja vu. I understand exactly what she's going through. For her, she doesn't have the courage to leave despite people telling her that she deserves better. For me, I'm still struggling to contain my desires to get her back despite people telling me that she's not worth it after what she's done to me. We know what needs to be done but we chose to listen to our hearts and turn the other way. I guess we're both victims of bad asses caught in a bottomless manipulation pitt struggling to climb to the surface of reality.

Last night I had that dream again. This time, I was looking at her face to face. She told me that she misses me and misses the times we were together. I told her the same thing as well and I told her I still love her. Then I asked her

"I still want you back. I'm lost without you. Please make me whole again"

She said yes. Overjoyed, I took her cute and gentle little fingers and stroke it gently on my face. I gave her hand a kiss. After that, I grasped her fingers close enough to be in the clutches of my fingers. As they met, we walked aimlessly, hand in hand. When I woke up, I realised that it was all nothing but a dream. My world came crashing down on me. AGAIN!!

P/S: Happy New Year everyone. I hope many good things installed for the rest of you out there as we usher in the new year!

Not meant to be

2005-12-29T02:57:00.000+08:00

If two past lovers can remain friends its either they were never in love or they still are

The quote above does make a lot of sense. I know I'm recycling it but these past few days has opened up my preception and perseptive towards the subject of pre-breakup. I bumped into some old friends as well as made some new friends. Conversing with them did shed some light to this matter. The people whom I thought would have more exes actually have less than I expected. Some of them actually have less exes than I have! If that's the case, how come they can handle breakups better than I can?Frankly speaking, I handled my previous breakup before this one rather well. Furthermore I went out with my previous ex(the one before my immortal) for 3 years! But during that pre-breakup season, I wasn't this emo. I wasn't this depressed. I wasn't this wrecked. It didn't take me long before I got over her and just moved on but this time things were just different. Call me stupid, call me lame, crucify me, detest me or call me or do whatever you want to me but nothing will change the fact that I still have feelings for her as well as a glimpse hope of getting her back. There's a reason why I called her my immortal and the reason is because;

To the world I might be just one person, but she? She's the world to me

Could my immortal be my first true love? The love of my life?

I knew of this couple who broke up sometime around last year. So happen I knew both of them as two dfferent individuals instead of knowing them as a couple, if you catch my drift. That's beside the point. You see, eventhough they've broken up for quite sometime, both parties still have feelings for each other. The way I see it, they still have a glimpse of hope of getting back together. I swear I can see it in their eyes. Both parties are afraid to make the first move towards reconciliation. Not one of them is brave enough to do it.

I just don't understand. It has become a norm in society that once you breakup, you move on and never look back. But why is it different for married couples?Why would they take the trouble to salvage their relationship or save their marriage (i.e - Marriage Counselling)?If its for the sake of their children, that I understand. I'm referring to the context of childless couples. But why steady relationships can't have the same concept?Is because that its easier for people to just leave everything behind and run away?

Crazy is what crazy do, crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

Workplace complains

2005-12-25T03:10:00.000+08:00

If two past lovers can remain friends its either they were never in love or they still are

My insomnia came back to haunt me on Sunday night. My mind was filled with unnecessary thoughts. Thoughts that kept running through the sands of time. The next minute I knew, it was already time to work. Fuck!Another long week ahead. Been running on Red Bull for the whole week just to maintain my engine running.

I'm beginning to doubt that I'll stick to this job for long. All the external attributes that contribute to this job is making me detest my job. Don't get me wrong but my colleagues and boss are nice people. The major external factors like the job requirements (well, at least one of them - cold calling!!) and Cyberjaya as a whole (the place and the distance)

Why Cyberjaya, our so-called MSC failed miserably
On Tuesday, I woke up late and rushed for work. I had only RM5 in my wallet but I didn't have time to go to the bank to withdraw any money.

(RM5 - RM2(toll)) - RM1.50(Parking) = RM1.50(amount left in my wallet)

Since its Cyberjaya, ATMs should be readily available at my convenience. Or so I've thought. I went out lunch with my colleagues and requested that they take me to the nearest ATM which was Maybank. Went there and for some reason, my RHB bank card couldn't work on the ATM machine. It was odd because I withdrawed money from Maybank only the other day. After a few tries I gave up and proceeded to the next nearest bank which is Bank Bumiputra-Commerce. Went into the bank only to find one miserable ATM machine. Put my card it and this messege flashed:

This ATM machine is unable to despense any cash at the moment. Sorry for the inconvenience

Fine that's alright. We went to MMU to have lunch in one of the cafeteria there. One of my colleague reckons that there's an ATM there as well. There was in fact not one, but three Bank Bumiputra-Commerce ATM machines!I mean what are the chances of ALL three of the ATM machines ain't working? True enough, after trying all three machines the message above flashed on the screens of each ATM machines. I got so pissed and frustrated, one of my colleague got quite scared so he borrowed me some money (DAMN FUCKING PAI SEH).

Message: &$#@!! This is one of the fucking reason why the MSC was a fucking failure. Lack of facilities. How are you suppose to draw investment into the MSC when the development is only facial deep?Behind my office, there's a swimming pool. Then slightly further up my office is a mini shopping arcade equipped with sprinker fans by the walkway! This is what I mean by being facial deep. No doubt that some of the buildings do look impressive but why not use the money to further improve/upgrade/implement new, better and beneficial facilities that would attract more companies?Dumb cunts. Look at Bangalore (India's Silicon Valley). Domino's Pizza outlets and other fast food chains in cafeterias' is a normal thing there; which brings up another issue - FOOD

There is no char sat in Cyberjaya. I kid you people not! You can find very few chinese food here but Cyberjaya is dominated by Malay restaurants and cafeterias'. Malay food by abundance! Furthermore its not helped by the fact that 70-80% of the workers here are Malay. I'm not discriminating or being racist. Its just that the food variety here is so limited and only caters to Malays. It gives the impression that Cyberjaya is built by Malays for Malays. I have to drive to Dengkil (a DAMN kampung rural area out of Cyberjaya) to have decent and proper chinese food!

Why cold calling is the worst part of the job

For the past 2 weeks, I've been doing nothing but cold calling (for those who doesn't know what it is, cold calling is basically calling up random companies). To start of, I've never liked doing cold calling. To be doing that for the past 2 weeks has really been demoralizing. Four of the many reasons why I FUCKING HATE doing cold calls:

Ni hui chiang hua yi mah? -_-'
Excuse me, tell you what. Forget about it. Bye!
No no not interested *click*
Untuk apa ni?Boleh cepat sikit?aku tengah layan client la!..tiada masa

@#$!!This is starting to get on my nerves. Furthermore my boss is giving me list after list of numbers for me to cold call. I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!

Nothing can stop me once I start it and you can't return me once you bought it

Right back at ya: Looney and YC (fellow blogwhores)

2005-12-19T03:26:00.000+08:00

My love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it

Glad to see 2005 go ( yes or no )?
Neutral feelings. Had happy, unforgettable moments but went through traumatic and emotional rollercoasters as well

Age turned in 2005?
24 (it means easy to die in chinese)

Did you change your hair in 2005? How?
Had very bushy long hair but its short now

The best part of 2005?
When my immortal was still part of my life

The worst part of 2005?
Having a suitcase filled with pain and sorrow

Did you make any new friends in 2005? Who?
Quite a few. Are my new blogging acquaintances counted?

Any new crushes in 2005? Who?
Literal crushes yes..my broken heart

Do they know?
I think she knows. Don't really understand what's going on inside her head

Who will you never forget?
My immortal

Who did you wish you did not meet?
My immortal

Did you fall in love in 2005?
Still very much in love...crazy is what crazy do, crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2005?
Of course!Unfortunely, money was the issue

Did you call them out?
Not after that incident

Did you get caught in a lie? What was it?
I'm quite a transparent guy....I'm bad at lying

Funniest moment of 2005?
When a stranger came up to Zaidi and told him that she recognises him from his "website" via http://benalog@blogspot.com

Most embarrassing moment of 2005?
Shamelessly drunk in front of passion/poppi

The funniest thing you saw on TV in 2005?
Russell Peters!!"somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad"

The funniest thing you heard on the radio?
The "gotcha" morning show by the morning crew hosted by Rudi and JJ

Did you take any vacations in 2005? Where?
The last would be my sydney trip with my immortal

Any new hobbies of 2005?
Everything seems meaningless and tasteless

Did you get a new job in 2005?
Yupyup....worked for CDM Australia and my uni guild

Did you lose a job in 2005?
Not lose but quit when I decided to come back to M'sia for my immortal

Did you host a party in 2005?
Not really

Did you get in any car accidents in 2005?
Sort of...no thanks to a certain white kancil lady driver and some mat rempet

Did you get a ticket in 2005?
Thank God, NO

Were you ever arrested in 2005? Wanna say for what?
Arrested for being too damn emo <---Happy now YC?

Where did most of your money go?
Petrol, toll (I work in cyberjaya ok!) and alcohol (the answer to my problems)

What song will always remind you of 2005?
My Immortal - Evanescence and Blind - Lifehouse

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Doing things for myself

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Taking things for granted

Thing you were really good at in 2005?
Sacrificing and giving in

Thing you wish you were better at in 2005?
Conducting and directing my life in the right manner

In 2005, did you lie to miss a day of work / school?
Nope....followed the datelines strictly

Did you have a sleep over in 2005?
Drunken escapades

Did you make-out in public in 2005?
of course....with my immortal...how I miss her so *sigh*

Did you drink to much in 2005?
I guess I did...lost 8-9 kilos when I stopped drinking because of domestication

Did you go to any concerts? Which ones?
Not in 2005

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
The person whom you love the most, hurts you the worst

P/S: Looney, I was half drunk when I was doing the original survey on frienster ok?HAHAHAHAHAH

Intoxication condition

2005-12-12T04:12:00.000+08:00

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams

The night before last, I thought I was totally wasted but last night brought a new meaning to being wasted. Was in Poppi/Passion when I bumped into 2 groups of old uni mates and that was it. Last night was just sheer maddness. Drinking from one table to the next. The people from the first table were more subtle and controlled. Moving on to the next table. The people there were more barbaric and lacked traction control. Of course, these people will try to instigate or fuel you so that you'll lose it for that spur of the moment and act randomly or irrationally with statements like:

I don't care!You must drink with me since I haven't seen you in a while
Woi housemate!don't embarrass me! -_-'
I don't care. You're gonna finish it cos I didn't see you drink

The result?I got so fucking wasted by the end of the night. Thankfully I had some friends whom I could count on when I couldn't even help myself.

Thanks Jay Mee for taking care of me when we were outside
Thanks Aaron for leading me back to the car (because of that I shall spare you the humiliation of posting up Apple's pic)

I woke up with a fucking bad hangover. No splitting headaches though but feel like I was still drunk from last night. People say that the cure for a hangover would be to have more drinks. I was pissed drunk on Friday night and was still suffering from a hangover when I was in Passion. And the outcome? FUCKING pissed drunk. *sigh*. Blur and lethargic, I lazed around the house aimlessly. I was feeling so out that I declined all invites to go out. Hibernate at home the whole day.

Few nights ago, I had an emotionally disturbing dream that threw myself back into the state of depression. The vivid dream showcased me and her in it, KISSING!The first touch of our lips felt awkward but the subsequent ones felt so real. So real till I could feel something warm touching my lips. Once the kissing stopped, she asked me "why do you hate me so much?" I forced myself to wake up to avoid further destruction being inflicted. When I woke up, I was feeling so confused. I don't know what to feel any more. If I could just ask God one question:

LORD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL AND SAVE ME FROM THE GUTTERS! from your humble servant,

James Oh

A dream has power to poison sleep

Happy Hour: Food for my soul

2005-12-09T03:08:00.000+08:00

The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it.

A blink of an eye and the weekend is already here. I never expect myself to be looking forward to the weekend with such enthusiasm. Maybe the weekend is the only time I can go all out without having the burden of waking up early for work over my shoulders. Things were so much different when I was working back in Australia last time. During then, the only thing I was looking forward everytime I get home from a long day from work was her face. But things are so much different now. My priority has changed especially when she's not longer part of my life anymore. My preception of the weekend currently is the time of the week where I feel I really earned the time to let all hell break loose which means drinking and getting drunk irresponsibly.

Furthermore with the long weekend coming up, (For those who were not informed, Monday is a public holiday) which means a longer weekend for me to party like there's no tomorrow ala Armageddon. Amen to that! I just hope I don't end up with a bunch of emo talkin or violent actin people when they get drunk which will eventually affect my mood especially when I'm under the influence. I rather have peers who would be in the "are you enjoy?" mood when they're under the influence.

As I'm writing this posting, my judgement is actually clouded from the generous amount of alcohol I had earlier on. Feeling rather tipsy now. For some fucked up reason, alcohol is like coffee for me. If I don't get fucking drunk, I'll be awake as an owl. In fact, I didn't want to join the rest of my mates for happy hour at first as I was very tired from work. Since its a Thursday (Friday 3am), the only question that's lingering in my head now is:

How the fuck am I going to wake up for work on time tomorrow?

Have mercy on thy soul

2005-12-08T02:00:00.000+08:00

How could I have been so blind. I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you

The days have been gloomy as it's been pouring a lot lately. Guess that pretty much sums up my emotional being as well. It's not because of my job nor because of her, well partially because of her. It's because of life in general. Been dwelling in the question "what is MY life all about?". At the moment my life feels like its in a crossroad with no direction and motivation. Take my job for example. I feel like I'm doing my job because I HAVE to and not because I WANT to. I mean my boss is a very nice person and I couldn't ask for a better one. Its just that the things that I use to enjoy doing doesn't seem to bring contentment and satisfaction anymore. I do it because the rest of my mates are doing it. I'm just going along with the flow of life without choosing which direction to follow; where ever the tides may take me.

They say life is all about choices. But since I got back from Australia, all that has happened is by far not by choice, but by force. She left me and that didn't leave me any choice. I was forced to live with it. I was forced to take this job by my parents and that also wasn't by choice. My accident is not by choice but was inflicted because I got forced between two person's vendetta. That's just a few to mention considering my bad luck streak seems to be never ending. Nothing good has come into my life since I got back. Looking back when I was still back in Australia, I was spoilt for choices and options. I could not fathom that I would ever end up in this predicament *sigh*

If Jesus is wrong, then I don't want to be right.....

After reading YC's last two postings, I contemplated the existance of God. I mean I do acknowledge that he exist but does he REALLY EXIST?, that's the question. See the difference there? By religion, I'm a Christian but after all that has happened, my faith has been tested thoroughly(Not that I'm some super hardcore Christian anyway. I don't even go church on Sundays). Is there really such person of this supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator that strikes fear on every human being who believed that "for God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life"?Frankly speaking, I really don't know what to believe anymore. If I don't even have faith or belief or confidence in myself, then there can be no room for God in my life. It would help if at least some of my prayers were answered but judging from my current situation, things took a turn for the worse. One bad event after another. So what next?The Grim Reaper knocking on my door telling me that its time to go?If he decides to come, here are my last words:

My family: I love you all and will watch over you all from above.
My mates: I love you guys but not that much but you all can count on me to drop in a few good words to lady luck so that she may grant all of you prosperity and good health for the rest of your lifes.
My Immortal: I still love you no matter what, even after you shattered my heart into million pieces but will definitely keep all the good boys away from you so that you won't be breaking their hearts like how you broke mine. Hope you'll end up with bad boys and that you'll constantly get hurt by them. Don't worry. I'll make sure it happens from above.

...and the truth shall set you free

The streak continues: part 2

2005-11-30T01:04:00.000+08:00

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

Had been extremely busy last week. Attended interviews and finally accepted this job on Monday. The terms and conditions of employment wasn't that bad actually. The only slack part is that the HQ is based in Cyberjaya!This were the responses I received when I told my mates that I accepted a position as an "Assistant Business Development Manager"

"Finally!It's bout time!"
"Finally got off your fat arse huh"
"JEE GID DEK(my latest nickname)!What? you're working??"

I started my first day of work today, as of 29th November 2005. It wasn't that bad considering I had a lot of catching up and preparation to do. I had to study profiles of my company, my customers and my potential customers. At the same time I was also trying to familiarize myself with the company workflow systems.

My weekend was rather quite interesting. One of my childhood girl friend who's like a lil sis to me (I knew her since she was a little girl), came back from Australia so decided to take her out clubbing. Decided to do it because she recently broke up with her BF and the fact that she's as heartbroken as I am. And what better medicine fitting for heartbroken terrestrials than partying your night away along with your tears?Sounded good to her so we decided to head down to Poppi/Passion. I made some arrangements to meet my other friends there as well. When you reach my age, you tend to assume that ALL your peers and ALL your friends are of legal age to enter clubs. Wrong thing to do!When we reached there, she REMINDED me again that she was 2 months sort of her 21st b'day and that sort of like triggered some kind of realization which I can't explain. But then we decided to test our luck. Since I was a black star, our luck wasn't that good, needless to say, even with some tactical persuasion and negotiation. We ended up in Terrace Bar to have drinks there and then to Loft, Zouk. My friends started calling me, asking where where I was. I did meet up with them EVENTUALLY but at bout 2.00AM and the club closes at 3AM. I had to explain myself and I also did relate this scenario to my other friends that I couldn't go in due to the fact that I was with an "underaged" girl, these were the top 3 response:

Pimpin them young aye?
Sensi Driver is a SISTER SLAMMER!
That one your chick ar? -_-'

The spotlight of my week (eventhough its a Tuesday)
My bad luck streak continued but this time it boiled over to extreme levels and here's how the story went.....
My new car came last Sunday *wwoohhooo*. Today, as mentioned above, was my first day at work AND my first day driving my dashing new car on a full scale. Everything was going smoothly until when I was on my way back from work. I was on the middle lane of LDP (slightly before the Kelana Jaya LRT station) heading towards Damansara Jaya when I noticed this motorcycle driven by this machan, sped in front of me, then slowed down and hogged the whole lane as if the road was his father's. I couldn't over take him as there were a lot of cars on both opposite lanes since it was peak hour for traffic jam. I was cursing all the way!What the fuck was he trying to do?He kept looking back so I roughly could guess something must have happened behind. Then suddenly, on the right lane, I noticed this white colour kancil drove past me and the machan on the motorcycle approached the car (mind you people, traffic was moving and wasn't on a standstill) at a distance and started cursing and shouting (complimented by hand actions). What unfolded next was the "champion". The white kancil actually swirled into my lane, thus hitting the machan in front of me! The best part is that it was done on purpose! He lost his balance and fell in the middle of the road....RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I slammed the breaks as hard as I could. My tires started screeching and before I knew it, my car came to a complete halt. I was a little bit disoriented from the fear of running over the machan. After recovery, I realised that his motorcycle was under my car (luckily only my car front skirting) while he was lying on the road. If that wasn't enough, the car was parked horizontally, thus blocking 2 lanes of heavy traffic. To my horror, a malay OFFICE LADY (mind you all, she was dressed in white shirt with black pinstripe slack...she looked quite hot and appealing though...with a nice fit body I might add) came out of the car. She slammed her car door and started screwing the daylight out of the machan while he was lying on the road till he got up and picked up his motorcycle which was stuck under my car. The machan was not so man after all. He didn't say a word to her nor looked at her nor send any body language signals!he was literally emotionless. He looked as if he was scared of her. What happened next was beyond my knowledge as I fled the scene. Didn't want to get involve plus the fact I was late for an appointment. I didn't thought that the damage was that great as well. Nevertheless, while driving there, my front car axel started to sound when I take corners. Nevermind!After reaching my destination, I checked the extend of the damage to my car properly. My back bumper was scratched (I figured the car behind of me couldn't stop on time) but thankfully no cracks while one of the covers for the foglamp brackets on the skirting broke. The skirting was scratched as well.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!MY NEW CAR!

If you thought that was the end of my day, think again. After getting home from a long day's work, I came home to this notice to collect a registered letter for me . Supposedly this letter was sent by post laju EXPRESS. The clock showed 9.35pm and the centre closes at 10pm. It seemed quite urgent so I rushed to the collection centre all the way in breakfields. My bearings around KL is pretty bad but luckily I brought along a navigator. Even then, we still got lost but eventually found the place at 9.50pm. I parked the car, got down and ran towards the centre across the road to collect the letter, anxiously anticipating whatever important news that awaits. After collection, I opened the letter...

ONLY TO FIND A FUCKING INVITE TO SOME FUCKING EVENT

Weekend renderings

2005-11-23T04:43:00.000+08:00

Most of us regard good luck as our right, and bad luck as a betrayal of that right.

I need a change in luck! This streak of bad luck has been on me for way too long. Over the weekend, my Internet modem and my Astro got struck by lightning. The nights were extra lonely and boring for me as I was deprived of modern technology that has so far been a revelation to my life. If that wasn't enough, I contracted the fucking flu bug AGAIN!I actually recovered from it 2 weeks ago. My nose is dripping like a running tap and my throat just wouldn't stop itching, thus causing me to cough vigorously and now, plus a fucking irritating hiccup that just won't go away. The last time I had a bad hiccup, it continued for 3 straight days. I couldn't even sleep because of it! Anyway, I couldn't wait for my replacement modem to come so decided to buy another one. Here is a recap of my "sort of" meaningful weekend.

On Saturday night, I attended one of my close girlfriend's wedding. It was good catching up with some of them whom I haven't seen in ages. We use to be such a close knitted group during our uni days. It was good seeing them especially one of my girlfriends whom I met there in Perth but hails from Indonesia and currently in China. She came down purposely just to attend this wedding. Our conversation took a turn to the relationship topic. They asked me bout my ex and I told them that I broke up. Guess this is the time of the year whereby relationships are broken. But the whole irony of it all is that 3(plus another girlfriend of mine who also recently broke off with her ex) of us were sitting together on the same table, attending a wedding. The food was good and the alcohol was poured by abundance. I was quite drunk before I left the place. I drank more than I ate. Signs of alcoholism coming back to haunt me?Let's hope not.

After the wedding, I proceeded to another friend's b'day event at chynna bar, making a few stops before actually reaching there. I had to pick up a few mates along the way before we rendezvous with the rest of the tribe. More drinks there!*ting* *ting* second round of alcoholism. One of my mate whom I shall decline revealing his identity due to the fact that most of my readers know him, was hitting on this girl who introduced herself as "Apple". My other mates and I were practically laughing our heads off to her name! Behind her back of course. To top it all up, she offered me *drum roll*

"APPLE FLAVOURED CIGARETTES"!

I just couldn't stop laughing after that. Well, he did manage to get her number by the end of the night but frankly speaking, he can do better than that. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was under the influence of alcohol. Overall, the night was good. Almost everyone was drunk. Kudos to Kimmy for such an awesome party!

On my way back, I got stopped by the cops. The guy who stopped me tried to make me bride him but I acted stupid by pretending not to get his hints. The breathalyzer indicated that my alcohol level was 50 and the limit is 80 but that S.O.B of a cop threatens me by saying that even though I was below the limit, he can take me back to the station and have a second test. He further threatened me by saying that the results can vary after a second test. Thank God I gave myself sometime to sober up before driving back. I was fucking tipsy but then again, I was sober enough to tell that it was fucking obvious that S.O.B was trying to get me to bribe him. He was giving me all his cock and bull stories that he came across people who were way above the limit but still can drive. On top of that, on his uniform, I noticed that he was wearing a "Saya anti-rasuah" badge (as shown below). How ironic was that? A corrupted cop supporting an anti-graft campaign. It’s such a refreshing thought knowing that these cops are assigned to roam our streets to keep us as citizens of this country safe.
*Note: I was being sarcastic on that last line. The Internet lacks the other communication elements such as body language, face expressions, voice intonation, etc etc. Hence, chances of misunderstanding might occur.

Singles mingles

2005-11-19T05:08:00.000+08:00

Being single is pretty good. It's a nice sense of irresponsibility.

Haven't been updating my blog recently. Guess I was just too caught up with life of a single. I'm starting to think "hey! Being single is actually not that bad after all. It actually feels good to be single". I'm starting to enjoy singlehood and I don’t mind being single. Being single provides a certain freedom, independence, ample time to concentrate on personal growth, and eerrmm...did I mention freedom?Its like a life with no bars hold. I do whatever I like and whenever I like without having to worry bout the other person or answer to anyone but myself.

When I was still enduring the wars, a lot of things concerning her constantly hover in my mind. I always wonder what she's doing, whether she has eaten or not, did she get home safely from where ever she was and so on. Nowadays, its no more about the "WE" or "SHE" but more of the "I"; what shall I do today or where shall I go today or what shall I eat today?Nowadays, I noticed that I've been more out going and gregarious since I was free from her clutches. As a matter of fact, I haven't been holding back like I use to when I was with her and that feeling of freedom is just overwhelming. After all that's been said, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her at all. In fact I miss her heaps but at the same time, I'm enjoying every minute of my single life.

I finally got my act together and started moving on with my life. I've applied for a few jobs and got replies. I've had an interview today with this advertising agency which is reknown for what it does in its industry. The interview went pretty well but when everything looked so certain, the manager had to burst my bubble by telling me that there was no vacancy at the moment as they're only planning to hire next year. I was flabbergasted. I mean what the fuck?In the first place, if there wasn't any position available, why fix an interview with me?So that I can add some autonomy to their sorry ass dead end boring job?I was quite annoyed. Felt that I wasted my time and effort. Nonetheless, all is not lost as I've got another interviewed set up next Wednesday with this IT company with MSC status. Actually the secretary called me up today to postpone the interview to the following Friday. For the first time in my life, I'm actually looking forward to venture out in the working world and I'm literally smiling bout it despite facing my first ever so-called rejection.

I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

Matrimony personified in prose

2005-11-11T03:31:00.000+08:00

If you love WOMEN and if you get married, then you just love WOMAN. I'm scared of getting that disease when you get married?onegina?I don't want to get stuck with onegina for the rest of my life.

I received another wedding invitation today. Apparently it was from one of my old housemate from Australia whom I've never kept in contact for the past 4 years. This is the second wedding invitation I received within a month. Then it really hit me. Peers of my age group are getting married and they're taking their lives to the next level. With marriage, comes great responsibility and commitment and most importantly, financial stability. I don't think I have the enough minerals to do just that. Being married and starting a family requires a totally different mindset or drive or perception to life which includes taking your maturity to the next level. Being married means that you're accountable for your family regardless of whatever decisions you make or take. You have to be the leader and the provider. The decisions and choices that you are forced to make and take, are even more crucial than those of a CEO of a multi billion dollar organization making important business decision.

Official census shows that Malaysians nowadays are getting married between the age of early 30s to mid 30s which is much later than the generations of our parents and the generation before them. If the census are accurate, then why are there so many people below that age bracket getting married?My judgement is not only based on the amount of invitations I get but rather the invitations my parents get, my friends get, the friends of my friends get and the list goes on.

Do we conform to pressure inflicted by society especially with our aunties and uncles at weddings telling us and our parents phrases like "when is your son's/daughter's turn?he/she is not young anymore" and they would proceed in telling you the age your grandparents got married? They were smart in doing the comparison but being obsolete fossilized imbeciles that they are, they are not keeping abreast with the tide of time. So what if we're not married?if they don't like it, then they can take it and shove it up their asses. First of all, the majority will eventually get married when they feel the time is right. We are NOT OBLIGED to get married as told. But then again, that's not the case for a lot of people out there as they perceive marriage as an obligation. The reason: Their biological clock is ticking.

The whole marriage thing is just so cliche. Everybody is expected to get married. People get married because their parents did it, their friends did it, their relatives did it and so on. The bottomline is that people get married because everyone else is doing it. If fate decides that marriage is just not my niche in life then I'll just have to accept the fact without any complaints. I wouldn't give a rat's ass even if I'm doom to live a life of celibacy. Besides, my family has been avid practitioners of celibacy. Out of 3 sisters, my mom is the only child in her family to get married. Therefore its not a new uncharted territory for me. Heck!From the rate my sister is going, she's very well on her way to join the celibacy club along with my two aunties. I might be one of them as well. Nothing is certain in life.

Conflict in conformity

2005-11-09T07:08:00.000+08:00

Nothing hurts more than realising she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to her

I've been hibernating within the four walls of my house for the past 2 days trying recuperate from this flu, cough and sore throat that had been bestowed upon me. Yesterday, I was actually feeling much better after having the much needed rest and with the adequate medication but when I was about to recover, I went over to one of my mate's place to have drinks. He was feeling really down and depressed over the same reason mentioned from my last posting. Yes its was the mate of mine who's ex is the french girl. I had vodka while he had whiskey. By the end of the night, we finished 1/4 of a bottle each. To my surprise, I wasn't really feeling high but rather feeling stoned. After drinking till bout 3am I came home and watched a little bit of TV and slept. The next day when I woke up, I felt even worse then before. I was coughing relentlessly, my flu was worse and my throat was sore like hell. My body felt like it had taken a serious beating. My limps were aching and my body was feeling lethargic. I was feeling crappy and I realised that I shouldn't do what I did last night after reading the instructions for my medication:

When administered concomitantly with alcohol, loratadine has no potentiating effects as measured by psychomotor performance studies.

While I was casually surfing on the net, I decided to do some random quiz to see what qualities I look for in the opposite sex that attracts me. The result is as below;

Your dating personality profile:
Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left- leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile:
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about.
Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.

Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Practical
2. Shy
3. Intellectual
4. Traditional
5. Big-Hearted
6. Athletic
7. Conservative
8. Romantic
9. Funny
10. Religious

The result of the quiz was quite spot on. Then I realised that she possesses most of the desired qualites. All except for her being shy. She's quite an out going person but she's quite a mysterious one as well. It might sound odd but given that 1 year we've been together, I didn't learn much about her including her family background and where she lives back here in Malaysia. Its not that I never took the interest and initiative to find out from her, its just that she doesn't want to tell me. She hides a lot of secrets within herself and she doesn't share it with anybody at all. Literally NO ONE. Not even to her own family and friends, let alone me. It might seem that she's my type but sadly she doesn't feel the same way. That's why terms like "a match made in heaven" or "a fairy tale couple" are just fucking overrated and a whole lot of bullshit.

Yesterday, we chatted on MSN. Its the first time in a very long while since we actually had a proper conversation without any strain or tension. I have to admit, our conversation this time gave me comfort. Before I knew it, I was asking her out already. She asked me where are we going but I told her anywhere since I've not plan anything yet. Knowing her, if I don't ask her again, she assumes that I'll be asking casually without any intensions of going out with her. She's not those kind who would pursue or give chase. After giving much thought into it, I figured out that I should just fuck it and acted like nothing happened or else I risk inflicting a major blow to my efforts in mending my broken heart.

Behind the shadows

2005-11-06T06:06:00.000+08:00

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen

What a way to cap things off. A badly sprained ankle that still hurts like hell coupled with a flu and sore throat that makes my body feel like crap. Nevertheless, it didn't deter me from having a great week and it'll definitely won't deter me from having a great weekend. But I guess I've only got a ticket that's only valid for this week. Once the festive season is over, I'm back to prison shit hole. I'm dreading to see the light of day for the whole of next week. Everyone will be working and will have no time for me again. Why can't I have friends who're not working?Anyone out there who's not working yet?Any takers?

I have a close mate whom shall remain anonymous, dated a lot of girls and would strike everyone as a player. He has other girls on the side but deep down inside, his heart is only for one girl whom he dated once a long time ago during his high school days and this girl shall remain anonymous as well. Last Friday night, an unexpected event unfolded. We went to catch a movie at GSC in 1Utama and we bumped into her with another guy!I could see it in his eyes that he was filled with disappointment and other feelings that I couldn't translate. Then he started asking questions like what do we think of him and things like that. It just gives me the impression that he was somewhat projecting a little bit of jealousy. It felt like he was going through a silent depression the whole night. In a separate situation, another close mate of mine whom is ranked under the same person mentioned above, is going through this phase as well. About one and a half years ago, he broke off with his girlfriend for 4 years. They were actually planning on getting married. He thought that this girl was the one so he resented all his partying ways and his wild habits to choose a more domesticated lifesytle. He met this girl who hails from France whilst as a student in the UK. Upon graduation, he came back to Malaysia with her to settle down. At one stage, things were going so well for them. They were living on their own, planning to buy a house together, planning for their wedding and many more. An unexpected turn of event took place and everything that they've planned for disappeared into thin air. He moved back to his parent's place while she moved into an apartment provided by the company she was working for. He was literally left in the dark with no answers and no reasons while she left to France for good. She didn't even give him a chance to say goodbye. Poor soul. After that incident, things were never the same for him again.

From what I've gathered, they might look tough from the outside but from the inside, they're just as vulnerable as I am. No doubt they're my close mates and seeing them this way isn't something to be desired. I can understand the angle from which they're coming from as I myself am experiencing what they're going through and its not a pleseant feeling. I try my very best just to be tough when I'm out there and given the current group of friends that I hang out with, they do make things easier for me. For that, I really thank God for I've been blessed with such friends. AMEN to that!

Sleepless in DJ

2005-11-02T03:13:00.000+08:00

Love has always been a game, but some people change the rules too much!

It has been a sleepless weekend for me. My sleeping habits are getting from bad to worse. On Friday night, I had a little to drink with my old high school mates. It was 1 of their b'day. I went home at around 2am and lazed around the house and slept at 5am. Before I knew it, I woke up at 8am! I started my day as normal. Then later on Saturday night, I had a BBQ to attend. Again, had a little bit too much to drink and I've actually passed out for bout an hour before going home at 4am. Reached home just to find myself wide awake. I tried to get some sleep but I couldn't. So I just went along with my day. In the end, I slept at 4am on Monday morning. I had the best sleep in like days. I slept for 13 hours straight. I thought maybe that night was an alcohol free night so that could be the reason why I slept so long but I'm still awake now. I might be having insomnia due to the fact that sub-consciously I fear that I'll have dreams and visions about her when I sleep?Since we broke up, I've been having dreams with her playing the leading role in it far too often. Often enough to drive my emotions to the brink of insanity. As of late, I feel like I'm losing grip of reality; losing grip of my life; losing grip of my sanity; losing grip of my consciousness; losing grip of everything that makes me, ME! As time flutters by, instead of gettting better, I'm actually slipping deeper into the vast abyss of void she left behind, only to be surrounded by grief, depression and sorrow. I'm losing my mind and myself.

I've tried very hard to forget her and move on. I keep telling myself what so special about her?When I look back to the beginning I think of her smile. I think of how for a moment life was worthwhile. I think of the way I held her hand, kissed her softly, and could always understand. I think of the day she looked at me and our eyes met. These are the things I'll never forget. But now when I see my reflection and I look into my own eyes, I think of how I lost her. How we lost each other. I just can't describe this feeling I felt when I'm was with her, or even when her name is mentioned. There's just this 'thing' between us...it was only one sided, but I still felt it. I wish I could describe how I felt when I was looking into her eyes. I wish I could describe how I lose myself when I see her. I wish I could descibe how I just want nothing more than to kiss her. If I could only have one wish, it would simply be for me to hold her. I wish I could describe how I felt when she was in my life. I know I can't describe it, but I know I felt it, and I know it's real. I want to get the feeling back that I had when I was with her. I know I'd do anything to make all this pain disappear.

I'm just frustrated cause I can't tell if its real. I'm mad cause I don't know how she feels. I'm just upset cause we can't make it right. I'm sad cause I think of her all the time. I'm angry cause she wont take my hand. I'm agrivated cause she doesn't understand and I'm dissappointed cause we can't be together.

Love is just the same old story that everybody knows, one heart holding on...and the other letting go

Physical and emotional damage

2005-10-29T18:06:00.000+08:00

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.

On this date, it has been exactly 2 months since we broke up. To commemorate this day, I was surprised with a badly sprained ankle while playing basketball. The damage could be worse then I expected. I swore I heard something snapped in my ankle, no thanks to this guy who lost his footing but found it on my foot. Now my foot has swollen to the size of a ball. The pain was so excruciating, I couldn't walk nor sleep. Nevertheless, at least the pain reminds me that I'm still alive and still human after all. This 2 months has been a journey filled with self-discovery and self-reflection. All the roads I had to walk along were winding and all the lights that led me there were blinding. I've been way over my comfort zone whilst I was together with her. I was enclosed in a world where nothing else mattered but her. Guess this is God's cruel way of reminding me that the world is much bigger then this by giving me this heartache coupled with this sprained ankle.

I'm trying very hard to get on with my life and move on. I've started applying for jobs and I'm getting positive and promising replies as well. Instead of my life being at a stand-still, its finally moving somewhere. But still, I just can't help by the fact that I still have feelings for her and I still miss her heaps. I'm sort of like back to the person I use to be before I met her but I want to be the person I was when I was with her. Its hard to explain it in words but I finally understood what it really means. When I was with her, I was so much a better person. I was more responsible and independent. I was more daring and willing to take risks. I was better at my fund and time management. The bottomline is that if I compare my current self and my former self, my former self would be a more proactive person whereas my current self is more a laid-back and procrastinating person. Because of her, my life has changed.

As the days roll on, I could see time standing still for me when she's not here. It feels like I'm stuck in this vacuum between time and reality. There are many things that I would like to say to her but I just don't know how or where to start. Only heaven knows what to say even though for right now she's at a distance.

The memories that consume

2005-10-28T05:36:00.000+08:00

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain

The memories consumes me and it feels like old wounds are being opened. Heavy thoughts sift through dust as happy thoughts forcing their way out of me. I’m picking myself apart again. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for anymore. I don’t know why I instigate and say what I don’t mean. I don’t know how I got this way. I know it’s not alright. I just want to wash aside all the helplessness inside but mainly, I just want to break this habit. I just want to take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Sometimes I reminisce the past that we shared, bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have. Its like moving pictures in my head and plays what it felt like forever. I watched time go right out the window by trying to hold on but least I realised that I wasted it all just to watch her go. I kept everything inside. I tried so hard and only got so far. Even though I've tried, it all still fell apart. Sometimes I've thought of letting go and never looking back. But yet at the same time, I thought of never moving forward so that there would never be a past. I don’t want to be the one where the battles always choose cause inside I realize that in the end, I’m the one confused.

People say that she played a number on me or that I've been had or that I've been played out. Reflecting back on our times with those words in my head, I do feel that I trusted her too well and all the tiring time on how trying to put my trust in her just takes so much out of me. I just want to tell her presence within me these two words; "Don't stay". I need to forget about our memories and our possibilities. If I had a chance to tell her what I want from her, I would tell her to take all her faithlessness with her and fuck off but before fucking off, please give me myself back. It just doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to be ignored and I certainly don't need another day of her wasting me away with no apologise. What it all meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time.

A manipulative whore she is

2005-10-26T09:24:00.000+08:00

Women are bestowed with ignoble traits: hysteria, duplicitousness, manipulation, cunning. Female aggressive strategies are never valorous, for they are by necessity underhanded, and partly because of that, they run completely counter to the way women want to view themselves

That low life mother fucking manipulative hoe!!When she wants something from me or want to tell me something good that happened to her or ask me something, she would be at her best behaviour and whenever I try to start a dialogue, she just gives me the cold shoulder. We spoke last night on MSN. She messeged me to tell me and ask me somethings. Then we started having a casual conversation. I got quite comfortable and I started to joke with her in a friendly way*. She got offended by it. What the fuck?Being the idiot I was, I apologised. After a while, our conversation got quite heated. I apologised a few times until I just couldn't take it. I told her off "Look here..given the position I'm in now, I'm already trying very hard to be your friend. Its even harder if you are not giving me a chance to be your friend". Straight away she said "I don't know how to answer you....I'm tired and I want to sleep now...ttyl". Sometimes I feel that she used me all along. When she went over to Australia, she didn't have any close friends. She CLAIMED that she loved me and she assured me that I'm not a rebound for her former. Well, she got me into thinking that she actually did loved me. She had me as someone to fall back on in Australia while all her close friends are back in Malaysia. She led me into thinking that everything was perfect and smooth sailing. Or so I've been manipulated into thinking, until we came back to Malaysia. Finally she's back with her friends and found that there was no need for me anymore.
*NOTE: I did not touch on subjects related to our past affiliation.

As men, our brains are designed to spend our time figuring out how to get objects in the environment to do our bidding. On the other hand, women's brains are designed to spend their time figuring out how to get MEN to do their bidding. Men manipulate the environment. Women manipulate men. This is why men devote so much of their time to fiddling around with gadgets, solving problems and playing games, whereas women spend much of their time and money altering the way that they look and chatting about their social current affairs. This is, of course, a sweeping generalisation. But from my own experience and observations, it is a pretty good one!

Most men would be staggered if they understood the lengths to which women normally go in order to manipulate them. But we as men, seem to be completely oblivious to it. The reason is that men are just not operating in the same realm. For example, explains why women are apt to get so uptight and make false accusations against men (e.g. 'date rape') when the relationship does not go according to their plan the following day. They see such a thing as a 'failure to manipulate the man successfully' and this goes right to the very core of their egos. Whereas the men involved in such situations were usually not thinking about relationships at all!

It is surely worth pointing out that if women are the primary arbiters of what men may be permitted to laugh about, then they surely perform the very same function when it comes to what men may be permitted to cry about and if women are, indeed, the determiners of what society cries about, then this means that they also determine what people should be concerned about, which means that they exert a great deal of control over what actually takes place in society. What we have seen over the past century is that women not only exerting their huge psychological power in order to bend society to their will but also colluding with both government and business to exert an even greater force. Both collectively and individually, women are not the hapless victims that they so often portray themselves to be. From my point of view, it is men who are and have been mostly in need of liberating from 'oppression'; not women

Moral of the story: Women ought to be taught a lesson. Either you take them down or you get taken down.

P/S: I don't mean to cause an uproar among the good women out there. Don't get me wrong for I'm not a male chauvinist pig. This posting like I've mentioned, is just a sweeping generalization. This posting is actually aimed at women of this kind and we know who they are. For all the good women that I've offended with this posting, I apologise sincerely.

Rebounds

2005-10-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

A rebound relationship is when you want to skip the pain of the previous relationship and feel good right away. It's just a "quick fix" to a breakup situation that actually requires some emotional pain and soul searching

Many claim the only way to get over your ex is with another person hence the term "rebound" exists in the dating vocabulary. I'm sure all of us had been there before spending weeks, months and even years agonizing over my exes. Calling them all the time, showing up at their houses, all the stuff that we're not supposed to do. We were just sad and miserable at the time.

The right remedy according to my mates?The answers are GETTING REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS AND HAVING REBOUND SEX!The question is can it really cure a broken heart?I took the liberty to do a small research by reading through a lot of articles to understand how this concept works and how effective it can be. We all live in denial. When it comes to rebound sex, it's definitely not about the sex. It never is. It is more about self-discovery. It is about our confidence, our ego and our self esteem. By doing this, we hope to restore our hopes that we still have it in us. Hopes of restoring our confidence that we still have a desirable nice, long and vigorous ego(applies to men) or to have a nice, long, vigorous ego stroking for her(applies to women). Basically we're looking for rebound sex because we want to prove that we're still desirable to the opposite sex. If we were the ones who dumped out exes, we just want to be sure that we did the right thing by leaving. On the other hand, if we were the ones who got dumped, we just want to believe that our exes were the ones with issues. We just want to feel in control again after losing it by the situation that we were put through.

Rebound sex might not be that straight forward and simple. There's a catch to it. If things were not made clear on the part where no strings were attached then you might risk having the other party having feelings for you or the worse case scenario; you might have feelings for her. I have this mate who knows it all too well. You might get a classic type-A psycho stalker woman who just won't leave you alone. Now you've just doubled your troubles.

Whatever it is, I'm still a skeptic when it comes to rebounds regardless of relationships or sex. Firstly I just feel that dragging an innocent party into my bummer of a relationship is just not fair or healthy, especially when it comes to rebound relationships. Secondly, I bet it only felt good in the moment and didn't take me any further away from the pain I'm in and probably make things worse for all involved. What I should be doing is to get out of her world and go find someone real to love. Any relationship that's designed solely to elicit a reaction from someone else is not only false but a major discredit to anyone who's a part of it. I know it for a fact that when I truly move on, I won't care what she thinks. And for the record, the best revenge isn't messing up her life. It's getting on with mine and living it to the fullest

A nocturnal rollercoaster journey

2005-10-23T08:42:00.000+08:00

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep

I hope she's doing fine out there without me cause I'm not doing so good without her. The things I thought she'd never knew about me were actually the things I guess she'll be the only one who understands. How could I have been so blind to see the truth through all this fear of living without her?

As time goes by, I feel like I'm losing touch with my sanity and losing ground with my identity. I don't know who I really am anymore. Before she came into my life, everything was directional. I had things planned and aims to be achieved. She thwarted all that I've planned for. Ever since there was her, she was and still is a very big part of me. To be without her by my side is like losing a very big part of me. Even until today, I still practice the habits that she instilled onto me. Its not that I want to but these habits have been embodied deep within me...just like how she is to me. Every breath I take, I can taste the smell of what I could never have again and it comes from her.

Yesterday I had a couple of drinks with my mates. I was quite tipsy when I got home at about 4am. At 4.30am, I was so dead tired, I passed out. Strangely, at bout 6.30am, I woke up without the slightest hint of exhaustion. Haven't slept yet since then till now. Ever since it all began, I've started to develop insomnia. I don't sleep regularly and I don't get the much needed rest that I should be getting. As time goes by, my body and my soul are deteriorating.

Nothing lasts forever and we all know hearts can change. I've been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain. In general, lovers always come and lovers always go and when it all ends, no one's really sure who's letting go today. I wished upon a star that someday I'll wake up where the clouds are far behind me. A place where trouble melts like lemon drops somewhere high above the chimney tops. Thats where you'll find me.....someday

P/S: Sugwen, this one here is dedicated to you...hope you'll find your way ;-)
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

To forgive, DIVINE

2005-10-21T07:56:00.000+08:00

The relationship went bad for all sorts of reasons, not because you’re a screwup. Take responsibility for your part, and then let it go. You were many wonderful things to many people before you met her—don’t let this one event define who you are

Kieran, if you're reading this, all I have to say is sorry. Its not that I don't want to buy it for you. If things were under different circumstances I would jump on the first opportunity to buy it for you. I know you would understand if I told you what happen but the reason why I didn't is because I don't want you to treat her differently because she's no longer the person whom I can call of my own. All along, she's been known to you as my girlfriend. This goes out to the rest of you out there who knows her as my girlfriend. Please don't look at her differently just because she's no longer mine. Please don't look at her with prejudice because of what she did to me. Please don't look at her with a bad impression because of the sudden change in behaviour. Please don't resent her because she's being cruel and cold towards me. She has a name and she is a terrestrial being with her own distinct behaviour and personality. It is not her fault that things have to happen this way. I don't blame her and neither should any of you.

Men Are Assholes. How many times have we heard that line before from women?Countless I presume. Since we've been separated, my circle of friends have been trying to change my preception in relationships. These guys are your typical players and they are good at it. Believe me. Their theories?sleep around with as many women as you can without any strings attacted or get a rebound girl or just get a replacement. Basically what they're trying to achieve is to turn me into your stereotypical male asshole. Analysing their behaviour and perception further, I came to realise that they were once too a victim of this cruel game called love prior to what they have become at present. They vowed never to put themselves in that predicament and it changed their preception on life for good. When a girl hurts you, you go out and hurt another one for your own selfish gains because women are all the same. That's life. You have to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness. The quote "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give — which is everything" is overrated. Only naive people would believe in such thing. Pure love is the thing of the past. They still do get involve in relationships but not on the serious note. Love is viewed as an investment. If the ROI (Return On Investment) is not on par with the expected projection, then just write it off as a bad investment. Retreat before further losses are incurred. Once the damage has been done, the receiving party would then inherit that mentality, waiting to be unleash on to their next pitiful victim. Food for thought:

According to Erin Pizzey, the very founder of the refuge movement for battered women, found that the women in her shelters were mostly more violent than the men they were supposed to be escaping from.

In conclusion, Love is a vicious cycle. Girl hurts boy and boy hurts girl*. That's how the world works whether we like it or not. As for me, that was just a theory;an assumption. My mate said women eat men like me for breakfast.Call me old fashion or conservative but I still hold strongly to my beliefs and values that love can be pure if you want it to be, provided if you're willing to take the chance to risk it all with the chance of getting hurt deeply. I was raised to be empathetic. Eventhough I've lost her for good, I've never regretted what I've done for her and given her. The choice is yours to decide. You can choose to take love as an investment or to take it purely.
*note: Not in any particular order. It could happen either way

News of Datin Seri Endon Mahmood's sudden death at the break of dawn shocked the nation, with Malaysians from all walks of life mourning the loss of the premier's wife. Reflecting the atmosphere of grief and sorrow, the weather in the Klang Valley also greeted the day with gloom. Strangely, in some way, jealousy and envy loomed over me. The thoughts that came into my head that followed were quite disturbing. I was thinking to myself, why can't it happen to me instead of her?she's looked so peaceful at rest. If I had the chance, I would take the opportunity to switch places with her. Without a doubt I'll do it. I just want peace and serenity in my heart

It might have been.....

2005-10-20T07:28:00.000+08:00

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'

I opened myself up and let it all out. I told her everything because I had no doubts but now I'm left with nothing because she didnt feel the same. All I have is a broken heart and I feel I'm the one to be blamed. I had the chance to turn things around for the better but instead things has taken its toll for the worse all due to my poor judgement clouded by ego and pride. If only I had been more understanding and more forgiving then we, I would not be stuck in this cruel and painful predicament. We would still be happy like old times.

I seriously don't know what's lurking in her mind. Whenever I mention anything about "us" she tends to deviate from the topic eventhough I had no intentions of discussing the "us" matter. The other day I told her that I'm willing to let it all go if she's happy with the way she is and the way things are at its current state. Her reply was "ok ok....I don't understand what you're trying to say...hahaha..I wanna go to bed now....I ttyl..nites"

Whenever I tell her how I feel and things like that, her reply would be only "ok ok". I don't want to bombard her with my personal issues anymore. I know it'll only push her further away from me that's why I've stopped doing it already. Everyone needs some time on their own. I want to be happy because she's happy. But how can I be happy knowing I'm not the one making her smile?

Whenever I think I'm standing strong, she somehow manage to pull me back down. Nothing hurts more than realising she meant everything to me, but I meant nothing to her. My mates told me to go out and have fun. Find a rebound girl or another person to replace her. Call me naive or conservative or call me anything you want but I just can't bring myself to do that. Its unfair to treat innocent women in that manner as if they were emotionless beings just to feed my own selfish gains. In the first place, they were not the reason why I'm stuck in this predicament. I do believe in karma. Do not do onto others as you would not have others do onto you. Then again, another mate of mine asked me a question that really made some sense. "What did I do to deserve what I've gotten from my previous 2 relationships?". Well I guess its true when they say "Good guys finish last" cos I'm the living example that good guys DO finish last.

Whenever I see couples on the street doing PDAs, holding hands or just messing around, the situation spurred me to reminisce our days together and I start imagining how things might have been if I didn't fall from grace on that fateful day. I always pray at that moment and ask God if only I can be like that. The touch and the hold of her hands are as if the spaces between my fingers were created so that she could fill them in or the touch of her lips sends me into an endless bliss or the stare from her eyes, loses me in innumerable memories, thus forgetting the world behind me or her smile which is like a sunshine to my soul. Kisses without her hugs or her hugs without kisses are like flowers without the fragrance.

I'm here without her but she's still on my lonely mind. I think about her and I dream about her all the time. I miss her a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day. I've tried so hard to tell myself that she's gone but she still has all of me.

The hardest thing in life isn't finding the one you love, its making the one you love....love you back

Incompleteness in absence

2005-10-16T08:08:00.000+08:00

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

A thousand days have passed by since I held her close to me. I remembered the day when she called and said goodbye. It seemed like it was yesterday but yet it felt like a lifetime. Its been almost 2 months...the longest 2 months of my life filled with pain and suffering. Nevertheless, despite all the pain and suffering she made me endure, strangely I don't habour any feelings of anger, hatred and resentment towards her but instead, my deepest and inner most love for her are called forth by the memories that depicts how much she meant to me. After she called, I thought I've lost it all. Even if I'd lose her, I would still feel the same cause I will love her till they take my heart away.

People ask me why I love her so much?What so special about her?At first I couldn't really put it into words. To answer their question, I have to first consider the things about love below

When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you don't yell at her because you know it would hurt her feelings.
Love chooses not for itself, but only seeks to make possible the choices of the beloved other.

She use to call me by chinese name...she called me CheeKee and not Chee Kit. Even after correcting her, she still calls me by that. It became exclusively our "thing". If that nickname was to leak out to my friends, I would be a laughing stock and I would never hear the end of it from them. I didn't tell her not to call me that in front of my friends. She just knew not to call me that in front of them. When I was working in CDM Australia, it was really very tiring. I wake up as early as 6.45am to prepare myself for work which starts at 8.30am. I had to take 2 buses just to get to work and the journey takes about an hour. Working there wasn't easy. I had to execute a lot of tedious, monotonous and repetitive tasks. The working environment was very taxing and pressuring considering the deadlines and the quality control we had to meet. After work around 5pm, I had to brave the after office hour traffic. I had to take a train and a bus home and the journey takes about an hour as well. As I reached my doorstep, she'll automatically opens the door for me as if she was telepathic. I didn't have to ring the doorbell. The moment she opens the door is the moment I've been waiting for the whole day, the moment I've always wanted to come home to. There she stood smiling away with her face beaming with joy at the presence of my being. She would mutter the word "baby!" in a cute manner and she would hug me tightly. Without fail, it always made my day. All my stress and tiredness disappeared from that moment. I graduated 1 semester earlier then she did and I was suppose to come back but I stayed back against my parent's wishes just for her. I didn't do it just for the sake of it. I did a lot of reasoning before I made that decision. She didn't have many friends in Australia so if I was to go back, she wanted to stay alone in a 1 bedroom apartment near uni and trust me, the safety of the suburbs within the radius of our uni leaves much to be desired. I've been living there for 3 years and I know the crime rate around these suburbs. You can say I contributed to the stats of victims of crime around these suburbs. Not once, but a few times. Furthermore, she had a few night classes as well. I didn't feel right to let her be on her on. I feared for her safety. I just can't rest with the fact that she, a girl, staying all alone by herself and travelling back at night alone. I know it for a fact that if I was to return to Malaysia, I would be worried sick everyday. After thoroughly deducing all these factors, I decided to stay for her. My parents were against it and threaten to cut providing further funds to me if I decided to stay. They gave me 2 choices; either I come back or I have to support myself including paying for the necessary expenses for the visa that'll allow me to stay on and work if I wanted to stay there. The cost of the visa was quite expensive. I had to work 3 jobs just to raise the adequate funds needed to pay for the valid visa in a short period of time as the deadline for applying was very soon and I had to also raise funds to support my living expenses. Though it was really tough, I did it for her and until today, considering the outcome, I've never regretted sacrificing this much and also other things that need not be mentioned for her.

Since I met her, my life has never been the same. She brought life to everything I did. She captured something inside me beyond explanation and made all my dreams come true. It not enought that she loved me for me. She reached inside and touched me eternally. Because of her, my life has changed.

Even though for right now she's so far away, I hope and I pray that somewhere in her heart I'll always stay. Lately, my sun doesn't shine without her. I never really took noticed what it feels like to be without her but now I do. It feels like I took my last step and my last breath in my life ending. Have you ever seen flowers NEVER bloom or see the stars fly without the moon?That's how it feels without her..I need her here with me to turn my night back into day. This is more for me than for her. I finally realise that there's no substitute for what we had and what we've shared, I can't forget. A love like hers, I'll never let just slip away. Because of that, I'm gonna tell her and show her that I'll do whatever I can to get back to her. If only I could see THAT smile from her again; I know that I could live again. I just wonder if she knows how much I love her.

If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, but if you don't have love, it doesn't matter much what else you have.

Still the one

2005-10-15T04:26:00.000+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me, I hate it when you stare and I hate the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

She came back last Sunday from Australia. I received a SMS from her thanking me for the flowers I've sent her and mentioned that they were nice as well. Later that night we communicated through MSN. She wanted her old HP back..at first I told her that I don't think that we should meet up because I don't think I'm ready yet but she kept insisting that she wants it back by tomorrow...she did asked me to return it before she left for Australia because she wanted to use that HP for her Australian number but it didn't materialise...this time she told me that she wanted the HP back because her mom needs to use it...anyhow, she hustled and pressured me to return it to her despite knowing how I felt...in the end I caved in and agreed to her demands...I told her to call me the next day to make arrangements and to see whether I can accomodate it or not...the following day, I was out with my friends at the cybercafe gaming away....she called me and told me she's around the vicinity of my area...then I told her that she was suppose to call me earlier to make arrangements...then she said "I'm calling you now right?"..then I told her straight that I'm not free right now..then she shouted "Nevermind!!" and slammed the phone down on me...few minutes later she called me and asked me to stop playing for a while and she'll pick me up from the cybercafe to go over my place to collect it....after collecting it, she'll send me back to the cybercafe...I told her that I'm not free right now but I offered to bring it over to her house later in the night...she shouted at me saying "what's the difference??I'm already here!aiyah!anything la" and she slammed the phone down on me again....About an hour later, she called me again. I told her I was out which was true, and I told her that I'll go over her place to pass it to her...for some apparent reason that puzzles me, she doesn't seem to want me to know where she lives...she asked me to call her before coming and told me to come before 11pm...I was running late and I called her to tell her that I'm on my way...I asked her for her current location and she told me that she was home...so I drove all the way to section 14 and called her again for more detailed directions...she directed me to another area which was so far off section 14...when I arrived, I figured it was pretty much her friend's place and not hers. There she was....standing there waiting for me...I couldn't look her straight in her eyes...as I passed her the HP, I took a glance at her..it only took that glance to send my world crashing down before my feet just like how the buildings came tumbling down when terror strucked the World Trade Center in the US on that fateful day...I hate her for being so insensitive, unreasonable and selfish..why would she want to hurt me even more on purpose despite knowing how hurt I already am?What have I ever done to her to deserve this kind of treatment?All I did was to love her more then life itself...is loving her a crime?

On the contrary, after all that has been said and done, I still love her a lot despite what she did to me...it didn't diminish my feelings I have for her. I don't understand why.Maybe its because my heart has reasons that reason itself don't understand. Grief drove me into habits of serious reflection, sharpened understanding and softened my heart. She's still the biggest part of me..I still think about her, I still dream about her, I still want her and need her by my side...all I wanted was her...she's still the one...If only I have one wish...I would wish upon the stars....I would wish that she would take the time to lay it on the line and only then, I can rest my head just knowing that she's mine...in my heart, she'll remain as my immortal...an immortal who has all of me

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Love has its victories, but it takes brave men to win them.

Laying it all on the line

2005-10-10T06:41:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

She's been gone for a week but she'll be returning either tomorrow or day after tomorrow...while she was gone, I felt that I was free from her shackles..but the thought of her returning home seems to twirl my emotions like a hurricane disaster in ways that I don't understand...maybe I felt that it is easy to be brave from a safe distance since she wasn't around...or maybe this feeling I'm getting is the result of what I did for her last Saturday, not knowing what to expect or maybe the ambiguity is causing me to be like this...

Last Saturday was her graduation ceremony...I made arrangements to have a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her as a token to congratulate her on her graduation...not only that, I SMSed her to congratulate her and to tell her she'll look good in her attire that goes with the gown....I went through a lot of trouble and put in a lot of effort just to make it happen considering the geographical distance circumstances

I believe the saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone...all I see in front of me is a stranger with just a known name...sometimes the people who I thought I knew...start becoming the strangers I never wanted....change is hard...you fight to hold on, yet you fight to let go

Nevertheless, tomorrow isn't a promise, it's a chance..a chance waiting to be seized...if I want to live, I have make everything happen...it is obvious that the goals between me and her cannot be reached...I don't have to adjust the goals...I have to adjust the action steps...I would rather do something and find out that it was the wrong thing, than never know if it was the right thing...I know if I fail, the fall is going to be harder but I'm willing to risk it all despite what world tells me....I know I can't force her to love me...but all I know is this....I can only make myself someone who can be loved by her..

Sometimes I think about the first time I realized that I loved her ... it was as if my eyes took a picture at that moment and stored it in my heart. Sometimes I think about how much my life has changed because of her. I think about her and her happiness, about us and our life together, and I realize that she was as much a part of me now as the air I breathe and the dreams I have. But, from time to time, I still like to remember the first time I looked into her eyes and saw my future there

It's not enough to have a dream, unless you're willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right, unless you're strong enough to do it. It's not enough to learn the truth, unless you also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love, unless you care enough to give it. Men who are resolved to find a way for themselves will always find opportunities enough; and if they do not find them, they will make them.

Letting go might be a good idea after all

2005-10-07T05:49:00.000+08:00

to leave me, to loathe me, to ignore me, I will deal. but what do I do with this love?

Slightly more then a month has passed since we broke up but I still love her and miss her very much despite of all the pain and suffering she has put me through...I was searching for answer all along...answers to what made her have a change of heart, what should I do now and many more...but the main question is what do I do with this love?

I know I just can't sit back and drown in this suffering pain which is so counter-productive...something needs to be done...I decided to let my emotions and mental judgement to battle it out for a conclusion...after countless days of confusion, soul searching and heartwrenching evaluation, I concluded that this love was given to her in the first place and it was exclusively for her only

I read countless websites and blogs for answers...I needed to know what are the chances of winning this battle and from which angle I should approach...whilst I was surfing, I stumbled across this article which brought up some very interesting issues

Relationships don't always work out the way we want. Sometimes relationships become so painful that somebody wants to leave. If this happens to you, and if you want the other person to stay, how you handle yourself now becomes very important. Usually we push the person further away. If you want someone to stay, you need to create an environment where the person will want to be with you. So far you haven't done this. If you had, the person wouldn't want to leave. Now maybe you can turn your relationship around and get back together.

It's been done before. Maybe your time together is over and nothing can be done. Maybe it's just too late. You can't force someone to want you. All you can do is treat the person in a way that will have her enjoy being with you. The key to having someone enjoy being with you is to make sure the person feels special. You do this in two ways:

Make sure the person feels loved, accepted and appreciated just the way she is. Give the person his or her freedom. The more you are willing for someone to go, the more you create an environment where he or she can enjoy being with you. This in turn increases the chances of the person wanting to stay.

When you hang on to someone, you do the opposite. You create an environment where the person feels controlled and suffocated. You force the person to fight for breathing room. Hanging on doesn't make someone want to stay. Hanging on makes the person want to leave. Hanging on also destroys your aliveness and mental well-being. You become consumed by fear and upset. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that makes your situation worse. So, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity, let the person go. Stop hanging on.

To do this, you need to be willing for the person to leave. You don't have to like it or want it to happen. When you become willing, you release the resistance that creates the fear and the upset. You set yourself free and you become far more effective in handling your situation. By letting go of your demands for how life should be, you can flow with the way life is. You can then see what needs to be done.

Letting someone go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with your actions. It certainly doesn't mean kick the person out. Letting go is what releases the fear and upset so that you can see what action you need to take. In your heart, be willing for the person to go, but in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where the other person feels so loved and appreciated that he or she would never want to leave.

To let go, give the person full permission to leave. You can practice this by saying the following words:

"I give you permission to leave, to be gone from my life forever. I don't want you to go, but I want you to be happy. If you have to leave, I understand. You have my love and my blessings whatever you do. I let you go."

If you can say this and mean it, you have set yourself free. If you have any hesitation, keep saying this over and over. Imagine the person being in front of you, and give her permission to go. Allow yourself to feel the hurt. Keep saying these words until you can do so without the hurt. By giving the person freedom to leave, she will feel free of your grasp and will have less reason to avoid you. This makes it easier for the person to stay.

Of course!why didn't I think of that?this article really got my juices going...What I was doing so far was sort of like going through the same direction but without proper guidelines...this article really opened up my mind to perspectives that I've never thought of venturing into especially coming from this angle..its a long shot but since I've got nothing to lose, its worth a try

Love: strong but yet fragile

2005-10-04T05:52:00.000+08:00

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds but when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call magic!

Love can never be so beautiful without friendship...one leads to another and the process is irreversible...the best of lovers is the greatest of friends! I like her because she's my friend and because she's my friend I care, and because I care, I love her...I don't love her just because she's my friend, I love her because I just do...sometimes I've asked myself, what would make me happy? To think that I have everything else, I get what I want....then I realized it was HER...too bad cause it's her I can't have....I can't choose who I'm gonna love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me...she can't blame me in choosing to love her as much as I can't blame her for not loving me...if she can't love me the way she loved the one before me, so I'll let her go and hope that someday she'll see that the one true love she's looking for was the one who set her free.

How can I say goodbye to someone I never had? Why do my tears fall for someone who was never mine?Why do I ask myself why I love someone who's love was never mine?

Food for thought, think of this:
Have you really cared for someone more than you expected? Have you ever tried to love her despite of all the pain?Will you keep on loving her eventhough she keeps whispering someone else's name?Will you?

It's better to lose my pride with someone I love rather than lose that someone I love with my useless pride....love is like standing on wet cement...the longer she stayed the harder it is for me to leave and she can never go without leaving her prints behind...I didn't love her like a flower, because a flower dies in season....I love her like a river because a river flows forever...love doesn't have to have a happy ending..love doesn't have to end at all....I was never afraid to fall in love with her even though it hurt a lot and giving me aches and pains...but if I don't follow my heart, in the end I would hurt even more for not giving this love another chance like when she is in the arms of someone else...love may leave my heart like shattered glass, but I know for a fact that there's someone out there who'll be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so that I could be whole again....it could be her or it could be someone else...only time will tell...nevertheless, the cruelest thing she did was to let me fall in love when she didn't intend to catch me fall...fooling around with my feelings like they meant nothing!!!

When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of us will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. When you love, you must not accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but investing. If you love, you must prepare to accept pain, for if you expect happiness, you're not loving but using. True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart

Tomorrow comes

2005-10-02T06:55:00.000+08:00

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye

She messeged me on MSN today....she messeged me not to talk, but to ask me do something for her...this friend of ours agreed to keep her things at his place back in Perth cos she couldn't bring all of them back...she's going back to Perth this coming Monday to attend her graduation ceremony..this friend of ours asked us to buy somethings back for him...instant noodles and a certain kind of water bottle...she wasn't sure whether instant noodles are allowed to be brought into Australia..so she messeged me to ask him whether is it allowed and she expects me to buy the water bottle and pass it to her...why can't she do it and ask him herself?why must I be the one doing it?By then, I felt that she was using me...he didn't do me a favour....he did HER a favour...she should be doing it as a token of appreciation for the favour he did for her...looking at this, it re-enforced my previous posting condemning her for being selfish and a user...all she thinks about is herself and no one else...even if she do think of other people, its how she can use them for her own benefit...I had a few friends who think the same way too..

That's beside the point...the main thing that's really concerning me is that I have to meet up with her tomorrow to pass her the water bottle which I haven't buy yet...not only that, she asked me to return her mobile phone which I was using before...she wanted to meet up tonight but I can't bring myself to meet up with her so I told her that I wasn't free

I just don't think I'm ready to meet her at the moment...I'm already messed up as it is...I know for a fact that if I was to meet her, I'll be lost in the vast abyss of emotional turmoil, not knowing what awaits me on the other side...the last time we met after we broke up, I was already going through hell..until today, I still haven't recovered from it...I just can't imagine what will happen to my already shattered, battered and broken emotions if I was to go through this one more time...I have to admit I really miss her very much but I just can't bring myself to meet up with her...in fact, I don't want to meet up with her..since I haven't buy the water bottle which I don't intend to, I'll just make up some excuses...the bottomline is that I don't want to meet up with her no matter what it takes...the only way is over my dead body

I dream about her everynight without fail...its better never to have met her in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there

The virtue of patience and perseverance

2005-09-30T06:53:00.000+08:00

When the world says, "Give up", hope whispers, "Try it one more time"

The whole world is telling me to just give up and move on with life...if the world is against me, then who is with me?everyone I know seems to see this as a lost cause but something inside me shouts "don't go down without a fight"...I won't know unless I try...I can't help myself from feeling this way...I have to fight for the person I love...the person who's really special to me...

I'm so confused...I don't know what I want...I don't know if she's worth it...I don't know if I'll be able to cope with another emotional rollercoaster like this..most of me says its worth the risk but a small part of me just tells me to let go and move on cos I can definitely find a better one...the thing is I don't want another one....I really don't want to start all over again...she's the only person I know whom I can really understand, trust, connect with, communicate with...she's the other part that completes who I really am...I know her habits, her way of thinking, her interests, her reaction to things, her likes, her dislikes and vice versa...

I wrote her an e-mail telling her how much I'm sorry for hurting her, how much I miss her, how I can't live without her and how much I love her...she said that she knows how I feel but she said she still can't bring herself to continue this relationship...she said if she does it, it'll only make me happy and not her....she said she needed some time before she can commit into any relationship...if time is what she needs then its time she'll get...I need to play my cards right...I need to remain in contact with her but yet keep my distance...I don't want to pressure her at all...the more I do that, the slimmer my chances get...I need to give her more space and time....I know its gonna be tough and hard but I need to persevere...I need to be patient...as long as if there is hope, then there will be the will to march on...

I've tried so hard to tell myself that she's gone...I held her hand through all of this 1 year but she still has all of me

My judgement, clouded by pride and ego

2005-09-27T06:37:00.000+08:00

When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough

The quote above at times do apply to me....sometimes I feel that this whole thing was my fault...I blame myself for what had happened...

She didn't spend much time with me since we got back..she only saw me once in two weeks...she wanted to spend more time with her friends whom she hasn't seen in a year....I wasn't too happy bout it...eventhough we talked bout it, she didn't deliver what she promised me...when she realised that and she wanted to make it up to me but I somehow fucked everything up...I played hard to get...she wanted to spend time with me but I purposely told her I was busy...when she called me to talk to me, I gave her the cold shoulder...she tried to reconcile with me but I fucked it up...when I just couldn't take it anymore, I just lashed it out on her...I said a lot of mean things to her...all these happened within the span of 1-2 weeks and by then, it was all over...I've never let my ego and pride get the better of me throughout our relationship but this was the first time I slipped...a very costly one...why was I so fucking stupid??If only I was more understanding...if only I didn't let my ego and pride cloud my judgement...I should have just forgave her for what she did and everything would be back to normal...this is the FIRST time I've ever acted this way throughout our relationship...I didn't know why I even acted this way....I feel so stupid and I really regretted it..times like this I feel that its not worth giving up this relationship...I just can't bare to see something so beautiful evaporate into thin air over some stupid matter...I feel so disgruntled...I feel that I should be doing everything I can to win her heart back even if it cost me my ego and pride...fuck my ego and pride...in the first place, they were the culprits that caused my downfall...I'm willing to do anything at any price to win her heart back

I've always tried to be levelheaded...always tried to be rational...always tried to be realistic...but sometimes my emotions get the better of me...its kind of funny that my emotions are the worst enemy of my mind..each of them vowing to take control over my judgement...it feels as if I have to two different personalities...one is based on emotions and the other one based on rationality...the mix reactions and feelings I'm getting are driving me to the brink of insanity, close to suicidal...I don't know what to feel or think anymore...I just feel so tired and numb...

I don't know where to start cos its really breaking my heart...don't wanna let her go...I know I got love to believe in...all I know I've got to win this time

-If she was the one, then nothing in this world can change how she feels about me-

P/S:thanks looney...you might not know this, but you've saved me from slipping deeper into depression...not only did you give me meaningful advices, you've brought cheer and laughter into my already shattered emotions in my time of need...thanks bro

The reason to let go

2005-09-22T05:43:00.000+08:00

I wanted to break his face too for stealing her heart away from me ... but I have come to realize that it was the situation; not me. Things change and it's all for a reason... If she was the one, then nothing in this world can change how she feels about me

The quote above was a piece of advice a good mate of mine gave me..I've finally realised that there's no point hating her cos its not her fault...things happened for a reason...it was the situation that was the culprit and not me..I spoke to her last night and she finally gave me the reasons..the main reason was that she didn't have her privacy when we co-habitated...I understand that she's the kind of girl that yearns for privacy but there's nothing much I can do given the circumstances we were in..that brings me to another matter..she lacks commitment...I guess co-habitating was more then what she's willing to commit to in this relationship..thirdly, being the independant girl she is, she did not like the person she turned into when she was with me...she claimed that she was dependant on me which was something she didn't like...all in all, she wasn't happy when she was with me given the situation that we had to endure..when she came back, her feelings for me disappeared...like a force of nature her love faded with the stars at dawn

She's everywhere I go...whether I'm conscious or asleep...she's everywhere...last night, again I had a dream...I dream that I was holding her hand while we were walking pass a crowd...in the dream, I was feeling like the happiest man in the world...the joy and the feeling of relieve I felt was so overwhelming, it seemed so real...it all went great until I woke up just to realise that it was just a dream...even in my dreams she haunts me..I wish that she would just leave cause her presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone...even the bottle is deserting me...it use to help last time but as of late, it makes me more aggressive and emotional...it makes me even more depress

Everyone tells me I should forget about her, including herself, she doesn't deserve me. They're right, she doesn't deserve me, but I deserve her....people need loving the most when they deserve it the least...when she loved me, everything was beautiful...every hour we spent together, lives in my heart

Hatred is self-punishment

2005-09-21T06:40:00.000+08:00

I hate her so much but yet I can't deny that I still love her....this pain inside is excruciating...consciously, I try not to think about her...the only thing that's keeping my sanity intact is the hope of landing the job in London...that hope is the only thing neutralising the depression I'm going through...this job is the only job I've applied for and I really want it to happen....I really want to leave this country....I feel like a stranger in this country...I've been back for almost two months but I've still not adapted back to the life here....I feel like my friends have deserted me during my darkest hour....I want to go somewhere far far away so I can start afresh...

A couple of days ago, my mate and I went out for some drinks...we talked bout our past relationships the whole night...she told me that by hating her, I will only cause myself more pain....I can hate her all I want but she's going on with her life normally and enjoying every second of it...she just got back from a holiday trip with her friends....she didn't tell me bout her trip but she purposely put the pictures of her holiday on her MSN display and on her friendster page....the pictures were dated back on the 15th September 2005 which was a few days ago.... I'm beginning to understand what my mate was trying to explain to me....the thought of her enjoying herself really hurt me bad....is it worth it?Instead, I'm only putting more pain on myself if I continue hating her..the question that's lingering over my head is should we even be friends?

She's not worth my time.....she's not worth getting all worked up about...she's not worth getting upset about...all this is already taking a toll on my physical, emotional and physiological body...I can't sleep and I can't eat....and for what?I'm dwelling in this never ending shit hole of and I just want to get out...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown with no one to turn to and nothing to look forward to....it feels like I'm all alone in this world...I just want it all to end

I feel that I don't know her at all...she's so different from the girl I fell in love with...what is wrong with girls of today?I feel that I was misled...she wasn't the first girl that did this to me...I am who I am...what you see is what you get...the face I show is who I really am....why can't girls just show me who they really are instead of manipulating me into thinking who they want me to think they are!Why do girls like to hide behind a mask?That is the reason why I'm a staunch non-believer in love at first sight...physical appearance can never paint stories..it just leads to infatuation which will most probably end up quite ugly...like how mine did...for me, her physical appearance did play a role but only secondary..but for her case, I figured it was pretty much my appearance that was primary...she did tell me once that she can't resist guys with my kind of eyes and that was what caught her attention...for her it must have been infatuation....for me, it was something deeper than that...One thing for sure, I will always love the false image I had of her

The hottest love has the coldest end....I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken...I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live

I'm leaving on a jetplane...fingers crossed

2005-09-15T06:10:00.000+08:00

As the best wine doth make the sharpest vinegar, so the deepest love turneth to the deadliest hate.

A quote well said...it best describe my emotional transition from the deepest love to the deadliest hate

I had a very emotionally derailing dream last night...I dream that we were hugging tightly and was having the happiest time of our lives...I was feeling very awkward in the dream and I had forced myself to wake up....I've got to admit that I still love her very much....but I rather relish my hatred and anger for her rather then habouring my love for her...the bitterness built up inside is the only reason that's keeping me together...I know if I still habour my love for her, the more hurt I'll get....so fuck it!

Why did I do so much for her?Why did I sacrifice so much for her?so that I can earn her so-called love?This is fucking bullshit...in the first place, it was more like a one way traffic....I've always been giving and giving...what has she given me in return?practically nothing!!the most maybe a false sense of happiness....Who does she think she is??a fucking Goddess??if she can find a guy who'll practically worships the ground she walks on and listen to each abd every one of her command then I'll find you a dolphine that can run......fucking selfish cunt...all she wants is to be happy...and how?she doesn't care...its all bout her, her and herself...its so fucking obvious...she just wants to be happy at my expense...she just don't fucking understand that in a relationship, its always a 2 way thing...its about giving and taking...but nnnooo...she just likes to take, take and take until she's bored of taking from the same person...so its time to jump off the wagon...I just wonder who would her next victim be?whoever he is, he has my sympathy...sorry ass fucker...an experience with her is more then enough for me to digest...there's no more a next time

My sister called me all the way from London and told me that her company is looking for people from the IT line...my sister has been trying to get me to work in London with her but I've declined for her sake...but this time the offer was concrete...something that'll benefit me in my career...its a chance of a lifetime...you won't get a company as big as Ernst and Young come knocking on your door everyday....I would decline it if things were what they use to be but this time I won't....its a good opportunity for me but most importantly I just want to get away as far as I can from her...I don't want to be anywhere near her

If she realises that she still loves me or still have feelings for me, then that's her fucking problem....she has to deal with it...what gives her the fucking right to play with people's feelings and emotions?for what??her own selfish gain?screw that shit!!if she decides to take that path in life, then there's no turning back...I told her that before...I told her to choose her decisions wisely before making her final verdict....there are things in life where there's no second chance..there's no turning back...

I'm so tired of being here...suppressed by all my childish fears...if she has to leave I wish that she would just leave cause her presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone...now I'm bound by the life shes' left behind...her face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...her voice it chased away, all the sanity in me...

When love and hate collide

2005-09-13T04:20:00.000+08:00

It has been four days since I last spoke to her...my feelings and emotions have morphed into hatred and anger....that last faithful night when we spoke, we didn't finish what we were discussing about...she told me she was feeling tired and she wanted to sleep so I took her word for it and left to the next day to sort it out

That was four fucking days ago...she didn't call me at all....not only that, she even blocked me on her MSN list just to avoid me...I bet if i called her, she either will hang up or she'll just let it ring....what a fucking prick!a fucking selfish cunt who only thinks about herself and nobody else....not only that, she's also a fucking coward who doesn't want to own up to the things she has done...instead, she hid and ran away from it....I bet she doesn't have any sense of guilt lingering over her...then I remembered one thing she told me last time..."Don't be like that....its up to yourself"....one of my mate whom I mentioned in one of my previous postings revealed that she still feels very guilty bout what she has done...she haven't forgiven herself even until today...for the past 2 years!fucking cold hearted bitch...left me alone to rot...she didn't even care how I was feeling or how I was coping with the breakup

When we were together, she would always complaint to me bout her former best friend whom she says is a "user" of people with wealth....now that I look at it, she and her former best friend are two of the same kind...only difference is that they prey on different people...as mentioned, the former would pray on people with wealth...as for her, she would pray on innocent people whom she knows who are willing to give her anything including their own lifes....basically nice guys who would sacrifice anything for her

Whilst we were still studying, she didn't have any close friends as they were all back in her home country....she needed a person close to her...a person who can be her companion...and this was were I came in...she tricked me into believing that she really did love and care for me...used me for her own selfish gains...I was disposable and expandable to her....that was the case when she found there was no need for me when she came back to all her friends in her home country...I was thrown out just like that...like old newspaper...she had a lot to lose if things were to go wrong back there....she didn't like me hanging out with my girl friends..there was this one incident...we were planning to go for holidays either to Melbourne or Sydney and I suggested why not to both states?the price different wasn't that significant..just a couple of tens of dollars...she didn't like the idea because if we were to go Melbourne, we would have to bunk in one of my mate's place who happened to be a girl....we ended up going to sydney and we bunked in my brother's place which was acceptable to her...what the fuck??

She also stated that one of her reasons of breaking up is because she was dependant on me and she didn't like it....but eexxccuussee mmmee...is it my fucking fault that you turned out that fucking way?I didn't force her to become dependant on me...she chose to become like that...and now she's blaming it on me indirectly....not only that, another issue that she mentioned was that she lacked the space and privacy that she desperately needed...what the fuck??when I go out with my friends, she would always give me that pathetic look indicating that she's not happy that I went out with them and that she wanted me to stay home with her...if she wants to go out on her own, by all means do it!but nnnNNnooOo...she ALWAYS have to drag me along eventhough I don't want to go....she's just to narrow minded and too proud to see the bigger picture....the picture that she herself painted...she just couldn't accept the fact that she brought it upon herself...so to ease her pride and ego, I was made the scapegoat

She can run but she can't hide forever....I believe that karma will come back and bite her right in the ass so hard, watching her fall from grace would be a pleasure...you can expect me in the front row seat for that matter...wouldn't want to miss the best part of the show...do not do onto others, what you don't want to be done onto you

A mistake

2005-09-09T04:19:00.000+08:00

Love is not blind - It sees more and not less,but because it sees more it is willing to see less...a quote that seems so relevant in my case...

Love is the wisdom of the fool ...that's exactly what I am...a FOOL in love...today, my progress to recovery suffered a major setback...she messaged me on MSN asking me to go out with her for a drink...I know for a fact that I shouldn't but like I've said, I was a fool in love...without any hesitation, I agreed with her....we went to a nearby coffee shop for some drinks while she had something to eat as well...the whole time she was being very casual about everything....including our relationship issues...but it was different for me...I was struggling to contain my emotions...I couldn't look her in the eye and talk to her...I had to face somewhere else while I talk to her...i tried joking with her but then she just got so offended...I joked by saying that she only calls me out when her friends are busy....by the mid-session, I was already at my very lowest point...there's only so much that a normal human being can take...the last straw was when she said this to me "you have eyebags!You never had eyebags...why?haven't you been sleeping enough?"Isn't it obvious??she knows emotionally, mentally and physicaly I'm in a wreck and common sense tells you that a person in that stage won't eat properly and sleep properly but yet she still can ask me these type of things...I've even forgotten what's it like to be hungry...of course she wouldn't understand...she has been eating regularly and sleeping regularly...that's beside the point....calmly, I told her that she should stop talking bout our relationship issues cos its making me worse....she got so offended she said to me "fine!I'll just shut up...I won't say anything cos everything I say, I'm in the wrong"....a mist of silence filled the air and the situation was getting very awkward....not before long, we decided to head for home...when I reached home then only I realised the magnitude of my mistake....

I just couldn't take it anymore...the depression was overwhelming...I had to vent my surpressed feelings in some kind of medium....then I realised sports was the best and healthy way to do so...the past couple of days, I've been playing basketball and it did really help...when I'm on the court, my mind doesn't wonder off into the depression zone...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of physical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of sinking the balls into the hoop!it felt as though all my supressed feelings were gone...I know it'll come back to haunt me but just for that moment, I was feeling good about everything without having this burden on my shoulders.....then cruel fate took a twist at my expense....an accident happened...as I was driving into the hoop, I made a fake and my opponent jumped into the air full stretch thinking I was going to make that shot...as my back was aligned horizontally, he lost balance and crashed full impact and full weight on my back...the impact was so hard, I fell on the floor face down...as I got up, I felt a striking pain on my lower back and then I realised that I suffered a very bad sprain....I just couldn't play on as the pain was excruciating....I was feeling miserable again...my one and only medium of expressing my surpressed feelings has been robbed from me...why??haven't I suffered enough??What is God trying to do to me??I've already been stripped bare of my emotions, my self-esteem, my pride, my health and so on....basically everything that makes me, me!

Later on at night, I just couldn't sit still at home...I need to be around some friends....I didn't care if my back breaks, I just need to go somewhere to get my mind off things...I needed some kind stimulant to calm my nerves and to relax the pain off my back....called up a few friends and I ended up resorting to alcohol..my only friend whom has never failed me before so far....after quite a few drinks, I was getting very relaxed....with my friends by my side, they've borrowed their shoulder for me to cry on....I can't carry on living and swearing by the bottle...its not that I don't want to...its just that its burning a hole in my pocket since I haven't found a job yet....then this strucked my mind....my mom did drug testing for her company that produces anti-depressants and she has heaps of them....the name is not for the faint hearted......its called *drum roll* P-R-O-Z-A-C.......of course!!!why didn't I think of that earlier?Let's put it this way...Prozac are for patients who are suffering from depression....and I'm suffering from depression as well....hence, I'm not abusing the drug...so its perfectly legal for me to be using it....all I have to do is find out where my mom puts them...if not, I'll tell my mom what happened....she still doesn't know that I broke up but she'll eventually know....at least I have valid reasons to be taking it...I just don't want to lie to my mom

Its been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and there still isn't the slightest improvement at all....how long will this pain and suffering last?My mate told me that I agreed upon meeting her because I still habour hopes of getting back together with her...the truth is yes I still do habour hopes of doing so..she told me that I should just forget bout that and just move on...maybe I can't at the moment because I don't see the bigger picture like she do....my mind is telling me move on and completely let go of everything related to her but my heart speaks otherwise...my heart still habours hope that there is still the slightest glimpse of working things out..maybe because my feelings for her is still as strong as every....I'm thrown into a state of confusion.....I don't know which one to listen to...only fate can decide my outcome....I don't know...the only thing I know is that I want it all to end...by hook or by crook, it doesn't matter as long as the desired results prevail

The reason

2005-09-08T05:06:00.000+08:00

I've spoken to one of my mates today and she gave me what I felt was the best explaination...my mate told me that she could really relate and understand where she's coming from cos she told her ex the same thing as well....her relationship with her ex for 3 years crumbled and evaporated in that 1 year they co-habitated.....its not because that guy didn't treat her nicely, in fact, he treated her like a queen...I know that for a fact because I know him personally...he's a very down to earth person and he definitely knows how to treat a lady

The conversation I had with my mate is as below:
Pamie nothing unusual, nothing strange, close to nothing at all says:
it's really hard la.... to see and live with yr boyfriend 24/7........it becomes so routine that the passion for each other can be lost yunno.......because it's gotten so comfortable.......maybe that's how she feels ler.....like now....she's no longer seeing/staying with u 24/7.......she starts to experience a new sense of freedom which seems exciting now.......because she hasn't had it for almost a year........but that doesn't mean she doesn't love u completely......just that this new freedom and lifestyle all of a sudden seemed a more fashionable option u know?she needs a new experience from what she had for a year ler......you should try to move on the best way possible.......DO NOT wait for her.....it's for the best......her feelings for u are still there, just in a different form.......she doesn't see u as a boyfriend anymore.......that's why she wants to break up....i'm speaking from my experience la... esp since i'm a girl and this is a very simlar situation.....i see william*(her ex whom she dated for more then 3 years)*differently, i still love him.... but more like family because we're so close...but the passion and feelings are all gone......you're more like a close close friend who knows her, lived with her...and because u gave in too much......she didn't have to fight for u to stay with u......and that's usually the reason why she took u for granted......it's not worth it to do any saving for now la......she's too excited abt being home now, that's why the break up hasn't affected her and probably won't......she's not as cold as u think she is, she's just too caught up with other things at the moment to even have the time to be cold towards u.....because let's face it, she just doesnt hvae the time for u now at all

the next conversation we had really had me thinking....I can see myself walking this path and its not something to be desired at all:
william and i were tgt for 3 years......i know he still loves me la.....i mean i know he was waiting for me eversince we broke up......but he told me that now eventho he still loves me, he realized that i will never getback with him and it hurts him to see me with new boyfriends ler....like really confused him.....i don't want u to end up like william....that's why, just really accept the fact for now that there's no turning back, all has been said and done.....and try to move on and don't wait for her

I sort of like understand the situation but still I just couldn't grasp the fact that I digged my own grave...the last part of our conversation totally pushed me back into a state of confusion again....basically she contradicted all that she has just said:
IF she still loves u, she'll do things to get u back and if that time u still feel for her, then that's the time to get back together but don't try to win her back for now and move on instead....if she wants u back, she'll fight for u

Overall this conversation we had was quite an eye opener....I've realised a lot of things....so basically, I dugged my own grave by staying back for her and coming back with her...then again, even IF I didn't stay back for her, things might not work out as well...I'm a staunch non-believer in long distance relationships because I know most long distance relationships won't last....I don't have to prove anything as the stats shows it eventhough a formal research has never been conducted before....Its not that I don't have faith in myself, its just that I don't have faith in her...I was afraid that she'll lose all her feelings for me because she just got used to no having me around...and that was the reason why I stayed back for her...looks like my plan or good intentions rather, has been backfired...to start off with, this relationship was never meant to be...I just have to accept the fact that I chose the wrong person to start a relationship with....I've tried all ways possible to make things work but it seemed that all is in vain...I've tried my best to make her happy in so many ways possible....so I feel that the problem doesn't lie with me.....it lies within her....she has some major issues in a lot of areas in her life such as commitment as one of the major issue that I feel is priority...she doesn't seem to feel guilty or anything close to that for what she's done to me in which she played a number on me...I feel so used....used of my time, effort, resources and well being...my grief and sorrow seemed to be turning into hatred, bitterness and anger....

after all I've said and done, it still doesn't justify the reason I'm feeling this way....I know for a fact that things just didn't work out between us....the only thing left for me to do is to understand and accept that fact....knowing and understanding things are two whole different concept...only in due time will I fully grasp the lost that have bestowed upon me

Her past that came back to haunt me and not her

2005-09-06T06:35:00.000+08:00

Its been almost a week since she left me....it has really been very hard for me...my life is in a mess...and the bottle is the only friend that I've got....its the only thing keeping my nerves calm....my friends are all working and they don't have time for me when I need them most....Why is the world against me??I'm in this all alone with no one to turn to...Whenever I'm online, she'll be online as well...I tried very hard not to talk to her but I just couldn't control myself...there's no one to talk to besides her....I know I'll be digging my own grave if I did but yet I didn't care...sometimes our conversation will make me feel better but sometimes it made me worse off...what am I suppose to do?I don't know what to do!I want it all to end!

I was talking to another mate of mine who knows her...the conversation I had with him was the finally blow to my already battered emotions....her past that I didn't even know....my world came spiralling down after all the things I've learnt from him....

Her past was filled with dark secrets that evoked a lot of questions for me....she was a wild child last time...getting drunk and throwing up everywhere....my mate even told me that she could out drink him!My mate and his friend tried dating her but they were turned off by the fact she was rude and at one stage, she threw up while talking to him on the phone because she was too drunk!!a lot of questions popped up in my head....did anything happened during the course when she was drunk?did she sleep with anyone when she was under the influence?did anyone taken advantage of her when she was drunk?Was she a one night stand person?I have this perception that girls like this aren't for keepers....they're more interested in partying and having fun then to have a boyfriend who's a burden to them....that's why I believe picking up girls from clubs are worth the most for a one night stand and nothing more....not for a relationship....these are the type of girls has the tendency to break your heart if you commit yourself to them....no doubt that she has severed all ties to her past and the wild child days of hers are way behind her....her past is the past and I don't care what she did in the past as long as she's not practicing it now......those days of her maybe over but that mentality still lingers....she's still interested in having fun and having a boyfriend is a burden to her....in the end, I was "one" of the guys whom I've been always preaching my believes to......if only I knew...then I wouldn't be where I am now...I could have stopped right there and not take things to the next level....I'm not prosecuting her for her past as she is a totally different girl when I knew her....she doesn't drink and she doesn't party....but knowing someone's past, you can learn a lot about the person....

I didn't understand why she was very reluctant to tell me things about her past but now I understand why....but why didn't I force it out of her?If I did, then I won't be in this predicament.....but then again, her past might not be something easy to digest especially when I'm very sensitive when it comes to this matter...furthermore the things my mate told me was just the surface....there's no knowing what other dark secrets that still lurks in her past.....for me the best is not to know....the surface was enough for me to deduce what kind of person she is...the outcome?she played a number on me....

My friends tell me I deserve better and so did she....in fact, my ex treated me better then she did...its just that I feel I have a better connection and understand with her then with my ex....I rather compromise nice treatment over the bond that I shared with her anytime

She has got some issues...major ones....no one knows what's lurking in her mind...I've asked a lot of expert opinions and they all gave one common answer.....she's got someone else....she brushed aside that suggestion.....at first I believed her but now I'm starting to doubt her....I seriously don't know what to believe anymore....there's no answer to my question....how can she lose all feelings for someone in a short period of time.....no one can answer me that question....only one person can....she!!but she claimed that she doesn't even know the answer herself....she told me only in time that I'll UNDERSTAND the answer....how can I understand something without even knowing it?

Everyone tells me to move on and get on with my life....when I vowed to get her back, no one seem to support me...is she that bad?no one seem to believe she's worth a second shot...except me....my mate whom I was talking to earlier on did however gave me a very good suggestion...she's afraid to let me in personally....I'm at a crossroad and I don't know what to do...to forget about her and move on with my life with the possibility of regretting later on or to get her back with the possibility of getting hurt again

Judgement day

2005-09-02T05:34:00.000+08:00

My last effort of reconciliation seems futile....looks like I'm doomed for a life filled with sorrow, depression, saddness and despair for many more months to come....even years.Nothing to look forward to and the days ahead of me looks very bleak...I've lost all hope...all is lost

Life is short they say, but how come seconds felt like minutes and minutes feels like hours?That was how I felt the night before the confrontation....it was the longest night I've ever experienced as if mother nature purposely extended the night to torment me and looking down on me saying "You are pathetic..."At the break of dawn, I finally got some sleep...but after a few hours, the alarm clock rang and I woke up instantly....judgement day has arrive....the feeling of fear, paranoia and insecurity overwhelmed me as I prepared myself for the confrontation...it felt like I was walking through the shadow of the valley of death to serve my death sentence

Finally she arrived....that face.....that smile....those eyes....her eyes and her smile were the elements that captivated me and took my breath away since the very first day we've met... we went to a coffee shop nearby to have our lunch....we talked and talked......but most of our topic of conversation was touching on social issues rather then focusing on our current situation...I did bring up some issues but then she swiftly diverted the topic...my face was motionless yet filled with saddness....my eyes were swollen from the crying adding to the small dimension of my already minute eyes....the only thing I noticed that she was smiling the whole time which made me feel very uncomfortable...to add things worse, she stroked her tiny and cute fingers on my cheeks repeatedly.....oh Lord!the torment!why don't she just take a knife and just jab it into my heart....literally!it would be quicker and less painful...my feelings were already condemn and the last thing I want is for her to do that as if she was teasing me....after an hour or so, I just couldn't take it anymore....we proceeded to my house for more privacy

As the door to my house was opened, the first thing she did was grab the remote control and started watching TV.....I told her we needed to talk and I turned the TV off....with my knees on the ground and the teary eyes of mine, I told her I was sorry for all the things that I've done and asked for a second chance....as I was talking I noticed her eyes were staring blankly at my face as if she was ignoring me or perhaps she has other agenda on her mind...all she did was smile and tell me "don't be sad" while stroking her fingers through my face....I just didn't understand.....how can someone lose their feelings for the other person in a very short period of time?It only took her 2 weeks....it all happen so sudden...one minute we were like the happiest couple in town and then the next, we weren't a couple anymore....after hours without any breakthrough, I decided that this was where I should stop before things get heated up....I told her that after today, we shouldn't see each other or even speak to one another for the time being until I can get myself together.....there we sat.... watching TV in the mist of silence....the situation was getting very awkward...she was feeling it to as well...that's when she decided to go home

At this point on, my feelings and emotions are already very messed up....sort of like Dr Jackel and Mr. Hyde....one minute I can feel normal then the next I can be either very angry, depress, paranoid and insecure and back to normal or from angry turn to depression to paranoia within minutes, waiting to be unleash onto every human that I come in contact with....except for her....To those people who were caught in the way of my wrath, I'm so so sorry....especially my parents....I was extremely rude to my mom and shouted at her for no apparent reason...or maybe she made some silly comments that I would normally just laugh it off....as for my dad, he got back from work all tired....as he steps into the house, I just totally ignored him without even acknowledging his presences...I didn't even look at him in his face....I was upstairs and I eavesdropped on a conversion between my parents....my dad told my mom "there's a stranger in the house" and my mom replied "a stranger?there's no such thing"....the next thing that my father said made me realise what I've done "the stranger is your son.....he didn't even acknowledge me when I got back...I don't know what's wrong with him"...that was the final blow....I had to get out of the house before I could cause more damage..I needed to channel all this energy without offending anyone....my answer was competitive sports!I made a few phonecalls and we were ready to play indoor soccer with a couple of my mates

We played for an hour and that was the most peaceful hour I've experienced in days...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of phyical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of scoring a goal.......they overwhelmed all my surpressed feelings...it was great!I stayed out as long as I could...until my parents were asleep

I came home and took a nice shower and switched my computer on and got on the Internet....in an instant, she messeged me through MSN messenger....I've already told her to leave me alone....I bet she just didn't absorb that concept...typical her....her reason was that she doesn't want things to turn sour between us....at this point, I was my "normal" self and was rather in a chatty mood...we spoke normally like how friends would talk....I warned her that my emotions are very fragile and sensitive at the moment....and I also told her that I'm trying very hard to surpress them so she better watch what she say....but did she listen??I don't think so!again, so typical of her....she mentioned something that happened to her today and that just made me snap out of my "normal" self and became very paranoid....I was breaking in cold sweat and I told her what she has done and all she can type is "ok ok ok....sorry sorry"....sound sincere?I don't think so...within minutes, I became my normal self again...so we talked normally until she felt tired and needed to sleep...

I thought I knew everything there is to know bout her......her habits, bad and good, her likes, her dislikes, her daily routines, her reactions to certain things, her sleeping positions and so on...what is she thinking now?That's a good question....NO!that SHOULD be the question....how can she be so cold?how can she drop this relationship like a bomb and don't look back?how can she lost all feelings within 2 weeks?how can she act as if nothing happened between us?The only thing I can deduce from all this is that she never really did love me....its was all fabricated...she tried to force herself to love me but in actually fact she didn't....she CLAIMED that she loves me just not as much as last time....but then, how can your love for someone diminish without any warning within a short period of time?It doesn't make sense at all except for that reason which I come to believe....if fate decides to wield his hands to the direction of which there's a chance of us getting together in future, should I risk it all again and take the chance?Is she worth a second chance?How sure am I that she genuinely loves me this time?Only time can answer these questions IF fate decides to play with our destiny....as for now, I doomed to dwell in this bitter life of sorrow, paranoia, depression, saddness and despair for a very long time.

story of a brokenheart

2005-08-31T06:00:00.000+08:00

Another chapter in my life has closed last night.....It all seems so familiar...just another case of deja vu?I don't think so...The end result was the same but the whole scenario and situation was somewhat very different. They say wisdom comes with experience but then why did I fall again this time?The last time this had happened, I solemnly sweared that I wouldn't put myself into this situation again....where have I failed?where have I gone wrong?I'm back at square one....I'm back at this very familiar place in my head.

I believed that the last situation was some what related to me. I knew that I could have done better but I didn't because of my ego and pride....I was devastated....I vowed never to put myself in this emotional rollercoaster again....Time passed by....4 years after that had happened, I was in uni enjoying the best and wildest days of my life....that was then I found her....I've never felt this way for a person before....not since after that incident...I began to learn something that I've forgotten...to have very strong feelings for a person....then we started to click and we bonded quite well....months have gone by since I first met her.....during this time I had to make a choice....to walk the path I did the last time or not to....then that faithful night, it just happened and everything fell into place, surpassing all my expectations. That was the beginning of a wonderful journey...or so I've thought. I said to myself that I'll do everything I can to make this work and not let her be the only one making it work, like what I did in my previous relationship....armed with experience under my belt, I vowed to make amendments to correct the mistakes I've done in the past so that history won't repeat itself.

6 months past by....a milestone in my life...I graduated from uni.....finally the day that my parents were eagerly waiting for has come.....on the day of the ceremony, my face was beaming with joy and happiness....I wasn't the only one, my parents were too. I could see it in their eyes and expression....To see me walk up that stage to collect my degree must have made them really proud

After all this have ended, I was faced with another dilemma....I had to make a choice....I've already graduated but she still has 1 more semester to go....I had to choose either to stay on with her against my parent's wishes, or to go back to my home country and to open a new chapter in my life which is to venture out in the working world....I was already working since my uni days but as a part timer....starting work as a full timer is something new for me and my parents want me to go back.....6 months is a long time.....long enough to change a person's heart and perception....I couldn't afford to let this happen to her so I decided to make the sacrifice to cater for her.....my parents were furious when I told them that I won't be following them back but I lied to them under the pretex of getting a PR...since I wasn't a citizen of that country, I had to make sure that I had the proper valid visa that'll allow me to stay...in order to obtain that visa, I paid a lot of money for each procedure prior to the final application...it was this decision that we decided to co-habitant under the same roof....we moved in together into this lovely 1 bedroom apartment...the plan was that she'll continue with her studies and I would work 2 jobs to contribute for the household.

We've built this relationship on trust, communication, honesty and understanding.....attributes that I didn't implement in my previous relationship...whatever that I'm not happy about, I'll voice it out so that she'll know and we can resolve the issue and I assumed she did the same as well....we did have our fair share of misunderstanding just like any other healthy relationship but nothing that we couldn't handle....during the remaining times of our stay, I tried my very best to make her happy....things at times, required me to swallow my ego and digest some humble pie....on top of that, I had done so much for her....i cook, clean and wash after her...I've even done all her dirty work...things that she had to do but didn't like to do....frankly I didn't enjoy doing them but someone has to do it.....at the end of the day, the happiness I get from this relationship seem to overwhelm the discontent I get from doing all her work....it just made me felt that my effort was all well worth it

7 months has passed and we were ready to go back as she graduated...the past 7 months has been the happiest one in my life since I first arrived here to further my studies...we knew things would be different but since our relationship was quite established, I felt that we could just adapt to our new environment....nothing would change....I was right but only for the first week since we've got back....on the 2nd week, she started neglecting me and spent most of her time with her friends...it was then we only saw each other once every 2 weeks only for 1-2 hours....until yesterday, after over a month after we arrived back, I voiced my disatisfaction...it was then she decided to break it off....it was then, I learnt the truth about everything....she was already unhappy even before we got back....I was shocked....I didn't know what to say....I asked her "what happened to our promise?we promised that we'll share every disatisfaction or problems with each other"...the only reply that she gave was "I'm sorry...I know that we made a promise to each other but I'm sorry"....when asked about the reason to why she wanted to break things off, she gave me a list of reasons but they seem to contradict each other until the extend that I felt there was no solid reason to justify her decision. The only solid reason she gave was the she couldn't bring herself to continue this relationship....what does that suppose to mean?

Everything was smooth sailing....there weren't a skightest hint or sign of showing that there was trouble brewing in this relationship...the bomb was dropped like its hot....it felt like the earth beneath my feet collapsed....

I tried begging and convincing her to give it another chance but she was still adamant in her refusal to change her mind...I've never seen her like this before....during this 1 year of being together, nothing like this had happened before....

As the song "my immortal" plays on and on, my mind seem to be dwelling into a world of misery and sadness....the memory of the good times and bad times that we've shared makes it even harder to let go...numbness fills the whole body....all my senses seem very dull...even pain doesn't seem to take away the numbness....then it hit my mind....I'm not letting the girl who taught me how to love again slip away from the grasp of my hand....I'm not going to pressure her or force her into getting back with me....I'm going to prove to her that this relationship is worth a second shot....I'm not going down without a fight

A start of a new beginning

2005-08-29T03:55:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last blogged...I decided to start another blog site with blogger because this is the only blog that none of my friends know about except for strangers which I find acceptable since they don't know me personally. It'll be my santuary. A santuary for me to have a private moment with myself and reflect on the things that has happened so far in my life.