Judgement day
My last effort of reconciliation seems futile....looks like I'm doomed for a life filled with sorrow, depression, saddness and despair for many more months to come....even years.Nothing to look forward to and the days ahead of me looks very bleak...I've lost all hope...all is lost
Life is short they say, but how come seconds felt like minutes and minutes feels like hours?That was how I felt the night before the confrontation....it was the longest night I've ever experienced as if mother nature purposely extended the night to torment me and looking down on me saying "You are pathetic..."At the break of dawn, I finally got some sleep...but after a few hours, the alarm clock rang and I woke up instantly....judgement day has arrive....the feeling of fear, paranoia and insecurity overwhelmed me as I prepared myself for the confrontation...it felt like I was walking through the shadow of the valley of death to serve my death sentence
Finally she arrived....that face.....that smile....those eyes....her eyes and her smile were the elements that captivated me and took my breath away since the very first day we've met... we went to a coffee shop nearby to have our lunch....we talked and talked......but most of our topic of conversation was touching on social issues rather then focusing on our current situation...I did bring up some issues but then she swiftly diverted the topic...my face was motionless yet filled with saddness....my eyes were swollen from the crying adding to the small dimension of my already minute eyes....the only thing I noticed that she was smiling the whole time which made me feel very uncomfortable...to add things worse, she stroked her tiny and cute fingers on my cheeks repeatedly.....oh Lord!the torment!why don't she just take a knife and just jab it into my heart....literally!it would be quicker and less painful...my feelings were already condemn and the last thing I want is for her to do that as if she was teasing me....after an hour or so, I just couldn't take it anymore....we proceeded to my house for more privacy
As the door to my house was opened, the first thing she did was grab the remote control and started watching TV.....I told her we needed to talk and I turned the TV off....with my knees on the ground and the teary eyes of mine, I told her I was sorry for all the things that I've done and asked for a second chance....as I was talking I noticed her eyes were staring blankly at my face as if she was ignoring me or perhaps she has other agenda on her mind...all she did was smile and tell me "don't be sad" while stroking her fingers through my face....I just didn't understand.....how can someone lose their feelings for the other person in a very short period of time?It only took her 2 weeks....it all happen so sudden...one minute we were like the happiest couple in town and then the next, we weren't a couple anymore....after hours without any breakthrough, I decided that this was where I should stop before things get heated up....I told her that after today, we shouldn't see each other or even speak to one another for the time being until I can get myself together.....there we sat.... watching TV in the mist of silence....the situation was getting very awkward...she was feeling it to as well...that's when she decided to go home
At this point on, my feelings and emotions are already very messed up....sort of like Dr Jackel and Mr. Hyde....one minute I can feel normal then the next I can be either very angry, depress, paranoid and insecure and back to normal or from angry turn to depression to paranoia within minutes, waiting to be unleash onto every human that I come in contact with....except for her....To those people who were caught in the way of my wrath, I'm so so sorry....especially my parents....I was extremely rude to my mom and shouted at her for no apparent reason...or maybe she made some silly comments that I would normally just laugh it off....as for my dad, he got back from work all tired....as he steps into the house, I just totally ignored him without even acknowledging his presences...I didn't even look at him in his face....I was upstairs and I eavesdropped on a conversion between my parents....my dad told my mom "there's a stranger in the house" and my mom replied "a stranger?there's no such thing"....the next thing that my father said made me realise what I've done "the stranger is your son.....he didn't even acknowledge me when I got back...I don't know what's wrong with him"...that was the final blow....I had to get out of the house before I could cause more damage..I needed to channel all this energy without offending anyone....my answer was competitive sports!I made a few phonecalls and we were ready to play indoor soccer with a couple of my mates
We played for an hour and that was the most peaceful hour I've experienced in days...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of phyical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of scoring a goal.......they overwhelmed all my surpressed feelings...it was great!I stayed out as long as I could...until my parents were asleep
I came home and took a nice shower and switched my computer on and got on the Internet....in an instant, she messeged me through MSN messenger....I've already told her to leave me alone....I bet she just didn't absorb that concept...typical her....her reason was that she doesn't want things to turn sour between us....at this point, I was my "normal" self and was rather in a chatty mood...we spoke normally like how friends would talk....I warned her that my emotions are very fragile and sensitive at the moment....and I also told her that I'm trying very hard to surpress them so she better watch what she say....but did she listen??I don't think so!again, so typical of her....she mentioned something that happened to her today and that just made me snap out of my "normal" self and became very paranoid....I was breaking in cold sweat and I told her what she has done and all she can type is "ok ok ok....sorry sorry"....sound sincere?I don't think so...within minutes, I became my normal self again...so we talked normally until she felt tired and needed to sleep...
I thought I knew everything there is to know bout her......her habits, bad and good, her likes, her dislikes, her daily routines, her reactions to certain things, her sleeping positions and so on...what is she thinking now?That's a good question....NO!that SHOULD be the question....how can she be so cold?how can she drop this relationship like a bomb and don't look back?how can she lost all feelings within 2 weeks?how can she act as if nothing happened between us?The only thing I can deduce from all this is that she never really did love me....its was all fabricated...she tried to force herself to love me but in actually fact she didn't....she CLAIMED that she loves me just not as much as last time....but then, how can your love for someone diminish without any warning within a short period of time?It doesn't make sense at all except for that reason which I come to believe....if fate decides to wield his hands to the direction of which there's a chance of us getting together in future, should I risk it all again and take the chance?Is she worth a second chance?How sure am I that she genuinely loves me this time?Only time can answer these questions IF fate decides to play with our destiny....as for now, I doomed to dwell in this bitter life of sorrow, paranoia, depression, saddness and despair for a very long time.
Life is short they say, but how come seconds felt like minutes and minutes feels like hours?That was how I felt the night before the confrontation....it was the longest night I've ever experienced as if mother nature purposely extended the night to torment me and looking down on me saying "You are pathetic..."At the break of dawn, I finally got some sleep...but after a few hours, the alarm clock rang and I woke up instantly....judgement day has arrive....the feeling of fear, paranoia and insecurity overwhelmed me as I prepared myself for the confrontation...it felt like I was walking through the shadow of the valley of death to serve my death sentence
Finally she arrived....that face.....that smile....those eyes....her eyes and her smile were the elements that captivated me and took my breath away since the very first day we've met... we went to a coffee shop nearby to have our lunch....we talked and talked......but most of our topic of conversation was touching on social issues rather then focusing on our current situation...I did bring up some issues but then she swiftly diverted the topic...my face was motionless yet filled with saddness....my eyes were swollen from the crying adding to the small dimension of my already minute eyes....the only thing I noticed that she was smiling the whole time which made me feel very uncomfortable...to add things worse, she stroked her tiny and cute fingers on my cheeks repeatedly.....oh Lord!the torment!why don't she just take a knife and just jab it into my heart....literally!it would be quicker and less painful...my feelings were already condemn and the last thing I want is for her to do that as if she was teasing me....after an hour or so, I just couldn't take it anymore....we proceeded to my house for more privacy
As the door to my house was opened, the first thing she did was grab the remote control and started watching TV.....I told her we needed to talk and I turned the TV off....with my knees on the ground and the teary eyes of mine, I told her I was sorry for all the things that I've done and asked for a second chance....as I was talking I noticed her eyes were staring blankly at my face as if she was ignoring me or perhaps she has other agenda on her mind...all she did was smile and tell me "don't be sad" while stroking her fingers through my face....I just didn't understand.....how can someone lose their feelings for the other person in a very short period of time?It only took her 2 weeks....it all happen so sudden...one minute we were like the happiest couple in town and then the next, we weren't a couple anymore....after hours without any breakthrough, I decided that this was where I should stop before things get heated up....I told her that after today, we shouldn't see each other or even speak to one another for the time being until I can get myself together.....there we sat.... watching TV in the mist of silence....the situation was getting very awkward...she was feeling it to as well...that's when she decided to go home
At this point on, my feelings and emotions are already very messed up....sort of like Dr Jackel and Mr. Hyde....one minute I can feel normal then the next I can be either very angry, depress, paranoid and insecure and back to normal or from angry turn to depression to paranoia within minutes, waiting to be unleash onto every human that I come in contact with....except for her....To those people who were caught in the way of my wrath, I'm so so sorry....especially my parents....I was extremely rude to my mom and shouted at her for no apparent reason...or maybe she made some silly comments that I would normally just laugh it off....as for my dad, he got back from work all tired....as he steps into the house, I just totally ignored him without even acknowledging his presences...I didn't even look at him in his face....I was upstairs and I eavesdropped on a conversion between my parents....my dad told my mom "there's a stranger in the house" and my mom replied "a stranger?there's no such thing"....the next thing that my father said made me realise what I've done "the stranger is your son.....he didn't even acknowledge me when I got back...I don't know what's wrong with him"...that was the final blow....I had to get out of the house before I could cause more damage..I needed to channel all this energy without offending anyone....my answer was competitive sports!I made a few phonecalls and we were ready to play indoor soccer with a couple of my mates
We played for an hour and that was the most peaceful hour I've experienced in days...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of phyical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of scoring a goal.......they overwhelmed all my surpressed feelings...it was great!I stayed out as long as I could...until my parents were asleep
I came home and took a nice shower and switched my computer on and got on the Internet....in an instant, she messeged me through MSN messenger....I've already told her to leave me alone....I bet she just didn't absorb that concept...typical her....her reason was that she doesn't want things to turn sour between us....at this point, I was my "normal" self and was rather in a chatty mood...we spoke normally like how friends would talk....I warned her that my emotions are very fragile and sensitive at the moment....and I also told her that I'm trying very hard to surpress them so she better watch what she say....but did she listen??I don't think so!again, so typical of her....she mentioned something that happened to her today and that just made me snap out of my "normal" self and became very paranoid....I was breaking in cold sweat and I told her what she has done and all she can type is "ok ok ok....sorry sorry"....sound sincere?I don't think so...within minutes, I became my normal self again...so we talked normally until she felt tired and needed to sleep...
I thought I knew everything there is to know bout her......her habits, bad and good, her likes, her dislikes, her daily routines, her reactions to certain things, her sleeping positions and so on...what is she thinking now?That's a good question....NO!that SHOULD be the question....how can she be so cold?how can she drop this relationship like a bomb and don't look back?how can she lost all feelings within 2 weeks?how can she act as if nothing happened between us?The only thing I can deduce from all this is that she never really did love me....its was all fabricated...she tried to force herself to love me but in actually fact she didn't....she CLAIMED that she loves me just not as much as last time....but then, how can your love for someone diminish without any warning within a short period of time?It doesn't make sense at all except for that reason which I come to believe....if fate decides to wield his hands to the direction of which there's a chance of us getting together in future, should I risk it all again and take the chance?Is she worth a second chance?How sure am I that she genuinely loves me this time?Only time can answer these questions IF fate decides to play with our destiny....as for now, I doomed to dwell in this bitter life of sorrow, paranoia, depression, saddness and despair for a very long time.
depression hits supa_jock at 5:34 AM
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