Her past that came back to haunt me and not her
Its been almost a week since she left me....it has really been very hard for me...my life is in a mess...and the bottle is the only friend that I've got....its the only thing keeping my nerves calm....my friends are all working and they don't have time for me when I need them most....Why is the world against me??I'm in this all alone with no one to turn to...Whenever I'm online, she'll be online as well...I tried very hard not to talk to her but I just couldn't control myself...there's no one to talk to besides her....I know I'll be digging my own grave if I did but yet I didn't care...sometimes our conversation will make me feel better but sometimes it made me worse off...what am I suppose to do?I don't know what to do!I want it all to end!
I was talking to another mate of mine who knows her...the conversation I had with him was the finally blow to my already battered emotions....her past that I didn't even know....my world came spiralling down after all the things I've learnt from him....
Her past was filled with dark secrets that evoked a lot of questions for me....she was a wild child last time...getting drunk and throwing up everywhere....my mate even told me that she could out drink him!My mate and his friend tried dating her but they were turned off by the fact she was rude and at one stage, she threw up while talking to him on the phone because she was too drunk!!a lot of questions popped up in my head....did anything happened during the course when she was drunk?did she sleep with anyone when she was under the influence?did anyone taken advantage of her when she was drunk?Was she a one night stand person?I have this perception that girls like this aren't for keepers....they're more interested in partying and having fun then to have a boyfriend who's a burden to them....that's why I believe picking up girls from clubs are worth the most for a one night stand and nothing more....not for a relationship....these are the type of girls has the tendency to break your heart if you commit yourself to them....no doubt that she has severed all ties to her past and the wild child days of hers are way behind her....her past is the past and I don't care what she did in the past as long as she's not practicing it now......those days of her maybe over but that mentality still lingers....she's still interested in having fun and having a boyfriend is a burden to her....in the end, I was "one" of the guys whom I've been always preaching my believes to......if only I knew...then I wouldn't be where I am now...I could have stopped right there and not take things to the next level....I'm not prosecuting her for her past as she is a totally different girl when I knew her....she doesn't drink and she doesn't party....but knowing someone's past, you can learn a lot about the person....
I didn't understand why she was very reluctant to tell me things about her past but now I understand why....but why didn't I force it out of her?If I did, then I won't be in this predicament.....but then again, her past might not be something easy to digest especially when I'm very sensitive when it comes to this matter...furthermore the things my mate told me was just the surface....there's no knowing what other dark secrets that still lurks in her past.....for me the best is not to know....the surface was enough for me to deduce what kind of person she is...the outcome?she played a number on me....
My friends tell me I deserve better and so did she....in fact, my ex treated me better then she did...its just that I feel I have a better connection and understand with her then with my ex....I rather compromise nice treatment over the bond that I shared with her anytime
She has got some issues...major ones....no one knows what's lurking in her mind...I've asked a lot of expert opinions and they all gave one common answer.....she's got someone else....she brushed aside that suggestion.....at first I believed her but now I'm starting to doubt her....I seriously don't know what to believe anymore....there's no answer to my question....how can she lose all feelings for someone in a short period of time.....no one can answer me that question....only one person can....she!!but she claimed that she doesn't even know the answer herself....she told me only in time that I'll UNDERSTAND the answer....how can I understand something without even knowing it?
Everyone tells me to move on and get on with my life....when I vowed to get her back, no one seem to support me...is she that bad?no one seem to believe she's worth a second shot...except me....my mate whom I was talking to earlier on did however gave me a very good suggestion...she's afraid to let me in personally....I'm at a crossroad and I don't know what to do...to forget about her and move on with my life with the possibility of regretting later on or to get her back with the possibility of getting hurt again
I was talking to another mate of mine who knows her...the conversation I had with him was the finally blow to my already battered emotions....her past that I didn't even know....my world came spiralling down after all the things I've learnt from him....
Her past was filled with dark secrets that evoked a lot of questions for me....she was a wild child last time...getting drunk and throwing up everywhere....my mate even told me that she could out drink him!My mate and his friend tried dating her but they were turned off by the fact she was rude and at one stage, she threw up while talking to him on the phone because she was too drunk!!a lot of questions popped up in my head....did anything happened during the course when she was drunk?did she sleep with anyone when she was under the influence?did anyone taken advantage of her when she was drunk?Was she a one night stand person?I have this perception that girls like this aren't for keepers....they're more interested in partying and having fun then to have a boyfriend who's a burden to them....that's why I believe picking up girls from clubs are worth the most for a one night stand and nothing more....not for a relationship....these are the type of girls has the tendency to break your heart if you commit yourself to them....no doubt that she has severed all ties to her past and the wild child days of hers are way behind her....her past is the past and I don't care what she did in the past as long as she's not practicing it now......those days of her maybe over but that mentality still lingers....she's still interested in having fun and having a boyfriend is a burden to her....in the end, I was "one" of the guys whom I've been always preaching my believes to......if only I knew...then I wouldn't be where I am now...I could have stopped right there and not take things to the next level....I'm not prosecuting her for her past as she is a totally different girl when I knew her....she doesn't drink and she doesn't party....but knowing someone's past, you can learn a lot about the person....
I didn't understand why she was very reluctant to tell me things about her past but now I understand why....but why didn't I force it out of her?If I did, then I won't be in this predicament.....but then again, her past might not be something easy to digest especially when I'm very sensitive when it comes to this matter...furthermore the things my mate told me was just the surface....there's no knowing what other dark secrets that still lurks in her past.....for me the best is not to know....the surface was enough for me to deduce what kind of person she is...the outcome?she played a number on me....
My friends tell me I deserve better and so did she....in fact, my ex treated me better then she did...its just that I feel I have a better connection and understand with her then with my ex....I rather compromise nice treatment over the bond that I shared with her anytime
She has got some issues...major ones....no one knows what's lurking in her mind...I've asked a lot of expert opinions and they all gave one common answer.....she's got someone else....she brushed aside that suggestion.....at first I believed her but now I'm starting to doubt her....I seriously don't know what to believe anymore....there's no answer to my question....how can she lose all feelings for someone in a short period of time.....no one can answer me that question....only one person can....she!!but she claimed that she doesn't even know the answer herself....she told me only in time that I'll UNDERSTAND the answer....how can I understand something without even knowing it?
Everyone tells me to move on and get on with my life....when I vowed to get her back, no one seem to support me...is she that bad?no one seem to believe she's worth a second shot...except me....my mate whom I was talking to earlier on did however gave me a very good suggestion...she's afraid to let me in personally....I'm at a crossroad and I don't know what to do...to forget about her and move on with my life with the possibility of regretting later on or to get her back with the possibility of getting hurt again
depression hits supa_jock at 6:35 AM
2 Comments:
Hmmm...
dude, don't read too much into things, seriously. being a teenager and finally coming of age is something everyone of us went through, we've been through the drunk times, the high times, the low times and yes even the slutty times where we shamelessly whore ourselves to anything that walked.
Don't blame her for her past because it wasn't yours to begin with, what you had with her was special and you should just cherish what you had and let the past go. cheers mate..
p.s: writing is a good medium to exert your feelings ain't it? just remember to keep it private
its not that I'm crucifying her because of her past....like I mentioned....she's a total different girl from what she was last time and that was the girl I fell in love with..so her past doesn't really bother me at all...its just that she was very very special to me...she's not those kind of girl I meet everyday...no doubt I've met a lot of girls during my 4 years of being single but then she was the only person that gave me THAT special feeling...its not because of her physical appearance cos I've met a lot of girlss who are so much prettier then she was...in fact the first time I saw her, I thought she was average..the first time we've met, I didn't even notice her until 1 of our friends introduced us..a girl who can make me feel this way must b someone really special...someone worth fighting for
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