A mistake
Love is not blind - It sees more and not less,but because it sees more it is willing to see less...a quote that seems so relevant in my case...
Love is the wisdom of the fool ...that's exactly what I am...a FOOL in love...today, my progress to recovery suffered a major setback...she messaged me on MSN asking me to go out with her for a drink...I know for a fact that I shouldn't but like I've said, I was a fool in love...without any hesitation, I agreed with her....we went to a nearby coffee shop for some drinks while she had something to eat as well...the whole time she was being very casual about everything....including our relationship issues...but it was different for me...I was struggling to contain my emotions...I couldn't look her in the eye and talk to her...I had to face somewhere else while I talk to her...i tried joking with her but then she just got so offended...I joked by saying that she only calls me out when her friends are busy....by the mid-session, I was already at my very lowest point...there's only so much that a normal human being can take...the last straw was when she said this to me "you have eyebags!You never had eyebags...why?haven't you been sleeping enough?"Isn't it obvious??she knows emotionally, mentally and physicaly I'm in a wreck and common sense tells you that a person in that stage won't eat properly and sleep properly but yet she still can ask me these type of things...I've even forgotten what's it like to be hungry...of course she wouldn't understand...she has been eating regularly and sleeping regularly...that's beside the point....calmly, I told her that she should stop talking bout our relationship issues cos its making me worse....she got so offended she said to me "fine!I'll just shut up...I won't say anything cos everything I say, I'm in the wrong"....a mist of silence filled the air and the situation was getting very awkward....not before long, we decided to head for home...when I reached home then only I realised the magnitude of my mistake....
I just couldn't take it anymore...the depression was overwhelming...I had to vent my surpressed feelings in some kind of medium....then I realised sports was the best and healthy way to do so...the past couple of days, I've been playing basketball and it did really help...when I'm on the court, my mind doesn't wonder off into the depression zone...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of physical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of sinking the balls into the hoop!it felt as though all my supressed feelings were gone...I know it'll come back to haunt me but just for that moment, I was feeling good about everything without having this burden on my shoulders.....then cruel fate took a twist at my expense....an accident happened...as I was driving into the hoop, I made a fake and my opponent jumped into the air full stretch thinking I was going to make that shot...as my back was aligned horizontally, he lost balance and crashed full impact and full weight on my back...the impact was so hard, I fell on the floor face down...as I got up, I felt a striking pain on my lower back and then I realised that I suffered a very bad sprain....I just couldn't play on as the pain was excruciating....I was feeling miserable again...my one and only medium of expressing my surpressed feelings has been robbed from me...why??haven't I suffered enough??What is God trying to do to me??I've already been stripped bare of my emotions, my self-esteem, my pride, my health and so on....basically everything that makes me, me!
Later on at night, I just couldn't sit still at home...I need to be around some friends....I didn't care if my back breaks, I just need to go somewhere to get my mind off things...I needed some kind stimulant to calm my nerves and to relax the pain off my back....called up a few friends and I ended up resorting to alcohol..my only friend whom has never failed me before so far....after quite a few drinks, I was getting very relaxed....with my friends by my side, they've borrowed their shoulder for me to cry on....I can't carry on living and swearing by the bottle...its not that I don't want to...its just that its burning a hole in my pocket since I haven't found a job yet....then this strucked my mind....my mom did drug testing for her company that produces anti-depressants and she has heaps of them....the name is not for the faint hearted......its called *drum roll* P-R-O-Z-A-C.......of course!!!why didn't I think of that earlier?Let's put it this way...Prozac are for patients who are suffering from depression....and I'm suffering from depression as well....hence, I'm not abusing the drug...so its perfectly legal for me to be using it....all I have to do is find out where my mom puts them...if not, I'll tell my mom what happened....she still doesn't know that I broke up but she'll eventually know....at least I have valid reasons to be taking it...I just don't want to lie to my mom
Its been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and there still isn't the slightest improvement at all....how long will this pain and suffering last?My mate told me that I agreed upon meeting her because I still habour hopes of getting back together with her...the truth is yes I still do habour hopes of doing so..she told me that I should just forget bout that and just move on...maybe I can't at the moment because I don't see the bigger picture like she do....my mind is telling me move on and completely let go of everything related to her but my heart speaks otherwise...my heart still habours hope that there is still the slightest glimpse of working things out..maybe because my feelings for her is still as strong as every....I'm thrown into a state of confusion.....I don't know which one to listen to...only fate can decide my outcome....I don't know...the only thing I know is that I want it all to end...by hook or by crook, it doesn't matter as long as the desired results prevail
Love is the wisdom of the fool ...that's exactly what I am...a FOOL in love...today, my progress to recovery suffered a major setback...she messaged me on MSN asking me to go out with her for a drink...I know for a fact that I shouldn't but like I've said, I was a fool in love...without any hesitation, I agreed with her....we went to a nearby coffee shop for some drinks while she had something to eat as well...the whole time she was being very casual about everything....including our relationship issues...but it was different for me...I was struggling to contain my emotions...I couldn't look her in the eye and talk to her...I had to face somewhere else while I talk to her...i tried joking with her but then she just got so offended...I joked by saying that she only calls me out when her friends are busy....by the mid-session, I was already at my very lowest point...there's only so much that a normal human being can take...the last straw was when she said this to me "you have eyebags!You never had eyebags...why?haven't you been sleeping enough?"Isn't it obvious??she knows emotionally, mentally and physicaly I'm in a wreck and common sense tells you that a person in that stage won't eat properly and sleep properly but yet she still can ask me these type of things...I've even forgotten what's it like to be hungry...of course she wouldn't understand...she has been eating regularly and sleeping regularly...that's beside the point....calmly, I told her that she should stop talking bout our relationship issues cos its making me worse....she got so offended she said to me "fine!I'll just shut up...I won't say anything cos everything I say, I'm in the wrong"....a mist of silence filled the air and the situation was getting very awkward....not before long, we decided to head for home...when I reached home then only I realised the magnitude of my mistake....
I just couldn't take it anymore...the depression was overwhelming...I had to vent my surpressed feelings in some kind of medium....then I realised sports was the best and healthy way to do so...the past couple of days, I've been playing basketball and it did really help...when I'm on the court, my mind doesn't wonder off into the depression zone...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of physical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of sinking the balls into the hoop!it felt as though all my supressed feelings were gone...I know it'll come back to haunt me but just for that moment, I was feeling good about everything without having this burden on my shoulders.....then cruel fate took a twist at my expense....an accident happened...as I was driving into the hoop, I made a fake and my opponent jumped into the air full stretch thinking I was going to make that shot...as my back was aligned horizontally, he lost balance and crashed full impact and full weight on my back...the impact was so hard, I fell on the floor face down...as I got up, I felt a striking pain on my lower back and then I realised that I suffered a very bad sprain....I just couldn't play on as the pain was excruciating....I was feeling miserable again...my one and only medium of expressing my surpressed feelings has been robbed from me...why??haven't I suffered enough??What is God trying to do to me??I've already been stripped bare of my emotions, my self-esteem, my pride, my health and so on....basically everything that makes me, me!
Later on at night, I just couldn't sit still at home...I need to be around some friends....I didn't care if my back breaks, I just need to go somewhere to get my mind off things...I needed some kind stimulant to calm my nerves and to relax the pain off my back....called up a few friends and I ended up resorting to alcohol..my only friend whom has never failed me before so far....after quite a few drinks, I was getting very relaxed....with my friends by my side, they've borrowed their shoulder for me to cry on....I can't carry on living and swearing by the bottle...its not that I don't want to...its just that its burning a hole in my pocket since I haven't found a job yet....then this strucked my mind....my mom did drug testing for her company that produces anti-depressants and she has heaps of them....the name is not for the faint hearted......its called *drum roll* P-R-O-Z-A-C.......of course!!!why didn't I think of that earlier?Let's put it this way...Prozac are for patients who are suffering from depression....and I'm suffering from depression as well....hence, I'm not abusing the drug...so its perfectly legal for me to be using it....all I have to do is find out where my mom puts them...if not, I'll tell my mom what happened....she still doesn't know that I broke up but she'll eventually know....at least I have valid reasons to be taking it...I just don't want to lie to my mom
Its been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and there still isn't the slightest improvement at all....how long will this pain and suffering last?My mate told me that I agreed upon meeting her because I still habour hopes of getting back together with her...the truth is yes I still do habour hopes of doing so..she told me that I should just forget bout that and just move on...maybe I can't at the moment because I don't see the bigger picture like she do....my mind is telling me move on and completely let go of everything related to her but my heart speaks otherwise...my heart still habours hope that there is still the slightest glimpse of working things out..maybe because my feelings for her is still as strong as every....I'm thrown into a state of confusion.....I don't know which one to listen to...only fate can decide my outcome....I don't know...the only thing I know is that I want it all to end...by hook or by crook, it doesn't matter as long as the desired results prevail
depression hits supa_jock at 4:19 AM
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