Revisited

The thinker dies, but his thoughts are beyond the reach of destruction. Men are mortal but their thoughts are immortal

I've been pretty caught up with heaps of things lately. Firstly since Chinese New Year is around the corner, so work just keeps on piling up. Secondly, my younger brother just finished his studies and got back from Australia so been busy spending time with him as he's going to leave to Europe this coming Friday to do some survey and research on post-graduate studies there.

The last weekend was quite slow and quiet for me, besides the fact that last Friday I was half drunk from attending a birthday dinner with heaps of wine at Opus (Bangsar), a short mini gethering with old Perth-ling friends (TSB) and a farewell party filled with heaps of beer and liquor (Bar Flam)!That night was just very nostalgic as I met up and catch up with friends whom I haven't seen in ages!This is what they had to say to me:

• OMG!What happen to you?Why so macho now (Refering to my facial hair)?What happened to the cute-cute little boy look back in high school! -_-'
• We were just talking bout you during NYE. L **** (her name) asked bout you and she was wondering how you would look like now. I had a pic of you in my HP so I showed it to her. (The pic was taken end 2002)
• Wow!You lost a lot of weight!

Went home early though. We (me and my brother) had to go down to Ipoh the next day (under me old man's orders). Haven't seen our grandmotherS (with a "S") since we got back so its high time we pay them a visit. Since I broke up, I would ideally prefer to avoid my relatives, especially the older ones. You know the thing bout relatives is that they can't believe that you've all grown up and working. Then they start showing interest in your pre-quarter life by asking you bout your job. And comes the question I've been dreading to hear, let alone answer (The reason I hate confronting them in my current emotional state):

"So do you have a girlfriend?" OR "Dating/seeing anyone?"

Looking back, I've been indulging in a lot of things that I wouldn't be proud of until recently I've decided to opt for a more subtle lifestyle. I have to stop all these nonsense. I feel its not doing me any good plus the fact that these foreign substances amplifies my depression to a different level. Paranoia and depression overwhelms, fear and anxiety consumes, sanity and reality crumbling. Almost everything I see, touch or feel with my five senses reminds me of her or somehow relates to her, even trivial things. Times when my thoughts drift into blank space, I've developed a habit of talking to myself. To makes matters worse, my dreams of her has been going on a daily basis. Its getting more chronic. I'm trying very hard to get my act back together. I've joined the gym at 1 Utama and I've started looking for other jobs which I feel would really suit me. In fact, I've gone for an interview last Thursday! I was told that according to the chinese horoscope, people in the year of the Rooster will enjoy good luck by abundance this new year*. Keeping my fingers crossed.......
*The year of the dog only takes effect after CNY according to the chinese lunar calendar

Same shit different year

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect

The curtains for the year 2005 closed to usher in the new year of 2006. Reflecting back on the past year, I would say 2005 was a year filled with ups and downs for me. The first half of the year was one of the best times I've ever had and the second half of the year was one of the worst times I've ever been through. Exactly a year ago, I was ushering in the new year on the beach overlooking Perth city as the fireworks embraced the skyline. What an unforgettable beautiful sight.

A new year means a new beginning. It doesn't seem to make a difference for me. It just feels like this new year is just another year filled with the same bullshit as last year. I see no point in making any resolutions for the new year when I know I can't deliver. One of the things I learnt from the war is that I should take 2006 by the day and not by the year. Never plan your year so far ahead as unforseen circumstances can be a stumbling block. Hopes can be dash, joy and happiness can crumble. Depression and misery can consume. Let us not forget this as we embrace the new year with ambiguity and doubt.

Lately I had another friend who's going through the wars. As she relates her situation to me, it all seemed so familiar. As if I was going through a deja vu. I understand exactly what she's going through. For her, she doesn't have the courage to leave despite people telling her that she deserves better. For me, I'm still struggling to contain my desires to get her back despite people telling me that she's not worth it after what she's done to me. We know what needs to be done but we chose to listen to our hearts and turn the other way. I guess we're both victims of bad asses caught in a bottomless manipulation pitt struggling to climb to the surface of reality.

Last night I had that dream again. This time, I was looking at her face to face. She told me that she misses me and misses the times we were together. I told her the same thing as well and I told her I still love her. Then I asked her

"I still want you back. I'm lost without you. Please make me whole again"

She said yes. Overjoyed, I took her cute and gentle little fingers and stroke it gently on my face. I gave her hand a kiss. After that, I grasped her fingers close enough to be in the clutches of my fingers. As they met, we walked aimlessly, hand in hand. When I woke up, I realised that it was all nothing but a dream. My world came crashing down on me. AGAIN!!

P/S: Happy New Year everyone. I hope many good things installed for the rest of you out there as we usher in the new year!