Hatred is self-punishment

I hate her so much but yet I can't deny that I still love her....this pain inside is excruciating...consciously, I try not to think about her...the only thing that's keeping my sanity intact is the hope of landing the job in London...that hope is the only thing neutralising the depression I'm going through...this job is the only job I've applied for and I really want it to happen....I really want to leave this country....I feel like a stranger in this country...I've been back for almost two months but I've still not adapted back to the life here....I feel like my friends have deserted me during my darkest hour....I want to go somewhere far far away so I can start afresh...

A couple of days ago, my mate and I went out for some drinks...we talked bout our past relationships the whole night...she told me that by hating her, I will only cause myself more pain....I can hate her all I want but she's going on with her life normally and enjoying every second of it...she just got back from a holiday trip with her friends....she didn't tell me bout her trip but she purposely put the pictures of her holiday on her MSN display and on her friendster page....the pictures were dated back on the 15th September 2005 which was a few days ago.... I'm beginning to understand what my mate was trying to explain to me....the thought of her enjoying herself really hurt me bad....is it worth it?Instead, I'm only putting more pain on myself if I continue hating her..the question that's lingering over my head is should we even be friends?

She's not worth my time.....she's not worth getting all worked up about...she's not worth getting upset about...all this is already taking a toll on my physical, emotional and physiological body...I can't sleep and I can't eat....and for what?I'm dwelling in this never ending shit hole of and I just want to get out...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown with no one to turn to and nothing to look forward to....it feels like I'm all alone in this world...I just want it all to end

I feel that I don't know her at all...she's so different from the girl I fell in love with...what is wrong with girls of today?I feel that I was misled...she wasn't the first girl that did this to me...I am who I am...what you see is what you get...the face I show is who I really am....why can't girls just show me who they really are instead of manipulating me into thinking who they want me to think they are!Why do girls like to hide behind a mask?That is the reason why I'm a staunch non-believer in love at first sight...physical appearance can never paint stories..it just leads to infatuation which will most probably end up quite ugly...like how mine did...for me, her physical appearance did play a role but only secondary..but for her case, I figured it was pretty much my appearance that was primary...she did tell me once that she can't resist guys with my kind of eyes and that was what caught her attention...for her it must have been infatuation....for me, it was something deeper than that...One thing for sure, I will always love the false image I had of her

The hottest love has the coldest end....I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken...I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live