Not meant to be

If two past lovers can remain friends its either they were never in love or they still are

The quote above does make a lot of sense. I know I'm recycling it but these past few days has opened up my preception and perseptive towards the subject of pre-breakup. I bumped into some old friends as well as made some new friends. Conversing with them did shed some light to this matter. The people whom I thought would have more exes actually have less than I expected. Some of them actually have less exes than I have! If that's the case, how come they can handle breakups better than I can?Frankly speaking, I handled my previous breakup before this one rather well. Furthermore I went out with my previous ex(the one before my immortal) for 3 years! But during that pre-breakup season, I wasn't this emo. I wasn't this depressed. I wasn't this wrecked. It didn't take me long before I got over her and just moved on but this time things were just different. Call me stupid, call me lame, crucify me, detest me or call me or do whatever you want to me but nothing will change the fact that I still have feelings for her as well as a glimpse hope of getting her back. There's a reason why I called her my immortal and the reason is because;

To the world I might be just one person, but she? She's the world to me

Could my immortal be my first true love? The love of my life?

I knew of this couple who broke up sometime around last year. So happen I knew both of them as two dfferent individuals instead of knowing them as a couple, if you catch my drift. That's beside the point. You see, eventhough they've broken up for quite sometime, both parties still have feelings for each other. The way I see it, they still have a glimpse of hope of getting back together. I swear I can see it in their eyes. Both parties are afraid to make the first move towards reconciliation. Not one of them is brave enough to do it.

I just don't understand. It has become a norm in society that once you breakup, you move on and never look back. But why is it different for married couples?Why would they take the trouble to salvage their relationship or save their marriage (i.e - Marriage Counselling)?If its for the sake of their children, that I understand. I'm referring to the context of childless couples. But why steady relationships can't have the same concept?Is because that its easier for people to just leave everything behind and run away?

Crazy is what crazy do, crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

Workplace complains

If two past lovers can remain friends its either they were never in love or they still are

My insomnia came back to haunt me on Sunday night. My mind was filled with unnecessary thoughts. Thoughts that kept running through the sands of time. The next minute I knew, it was already time to work. Fuck!Another long week ahead. Been running on Red Bull for the whole week just to maintain my engine running.

I'm beginning to doubt that I'll stick to this job for long. All the external attributes that contribute to this job is making me detest my job. Don't get me wrong but my colleagues and boss are nice people. The major external factors like the job requirements (well, at least one of them - cold calling!!) and Cyberjaya as a whole (the place and the distance)

Why Cyberjaya, our so-called MSC failed miserably
On Tuesday, I woke up late and rushed for work. I had only RM5 in my wallet but I didn't have time to go to the bank to withdraw any money.

(RM5 - RM2(toll)) - RM1.50(Parking) = RM1.50(amount left in my wallet)

Since its Cyberjaya, ATMs should be readily available at my convenience. Or so I've thought. I went out lunch with my colleagues and requested that they take me to the nearest ATM which was Maybank. Went there and for some reason, my RHB bank card couldn't work on the ATM machine. It was odd because I withdrawed money from Maybank only the other day. After a few tries I gave up and proceeded to the next nearest bank which is Bank Bumiputra-Commerce. Went into the bank only to find one miserable ATM machine. Put my card it and this messege flashed:

This ATM machine is unable to despense any cash at the moment. Sorry for the inconvenience

Fine that's alright. We went to MMU to have lunch in one of the cafeteria there. One of my colleague reckons that there's an ATM there as well. There was in fact not one, but three Bank Bumiputra-Commerce ATM machines!I mean what are the chances of ALL three of the ATM machines ain't working? True enough, after trying all three machines the message above flashed on the screens of each ATM machines. I got so pissed and frustrated, one of my colleague got quite scared so he borrowed me some money (DAMN FUCKING PAI SEH).

Message: &$#@!! This is one of the fucking reason why the MSC was a fucking failure. Lack of facilities. How are you suppose to draw investment into the MSC when the development is only facial deep?Behind my office, there's a swimming pool. Then slightly further up my office is a mini shopping arcade equipped with sprinker fans by the walkway! This is what I mean by being facial deep. No doubt that some of the buildings do look impressive but why not use the money to further improve/upgrade/implement new, better and beneficial facilities that would attract more companies?Dumb cunts. Look at Bangalore (India's Silicon Valley). Domino's Pizza outlets and other fast food chains in cafeterias' is a normal thing there; which brings up another issue - FOOD

There is no char sat in Cyberjaya. I kid you people not! You can find very few chinese food here but Cyberjaya is dominated by Malay restaurants and cafeterias'. Malay food by abundance! Furthermore its not helped by the fact that 70-80% of the workers here are Malay. I'm not discriminating or being racist. Its just that the food variety here is so limited and only caters to Malays. It gives the impression that Cyberjaya is built by Malays for Malays. I have to drive to Dengkil (a DAMN kampung rural area out of Cyberjaya) to have decent and proper chinese food!

Why cold calling is the worst part of the job

For the past 2 weeks, I've been doing nothing but cold calling (for those who doesn't know what it is, cold calling is basically calling up random companies). To start of, I've never liked doing cold calling. To be doing that for the past 2 weeks has really been demoralizing. Four of the many reasons why I FUCKING HATE doing cold calls:

1. Ni hui chiang hua yi mah? -_-'
2. Excuse me, tell you what. Forget about it. Bye!
3. No no not interested *click*
4. Untuk apa ni?Boleh cepat sikit?aku tengah layan client la!..tiada masa

@#$!!This is starting to get on my nerves. Furthermore my boss is giving me list after list of numbers for me to cold call. I FUCKING HATE MY JOB!

Nothing can stop me once I start it and you can't return me once you bought it

Right back at ya: Looney and YC (fellow blogwhores)

My love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it

Glad to see 2005 go ( yes or no )?
Neutral feelings. Had happy, unforgettable moments but went through traumatic and emotional rollercoasters as well

Age turned in 2005?
24 (it means easy to die in chinese)

Did you change your hair in 2005? How?
Had very bushy long hair but its short now

The best part of 2005?
When my immortal was still part of my life

The worst part of 2005?
Having a suitcase filled with pain and sorrow

Did you make any new friends in 2005? Who?
Quite a few. Are my new blogging acquaintances counted?

Any new crushes in 2005? Who?
Literal crushes yes..my broken heart

Do they know?
I think she knows. Don't really understand what's going on inside her head

Who will you never forget?
My immortal

Who did you wish you did not meet?
My immortal

Did you fall in love in 2005?
Still very much in love...crazy is what crazy do, crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2005?
Of course!Unfortunely, money was the issue

Did you call them out?
Not after that incident

Did you get caught in a lie? What was it?
I'm quite a transparent guy....I'm bad at lying

Funniest moment of 2005?
When a stranger came up to Zaidi and told him that she recognises him from his "website" via http://benalog@blogspot.com

Most embarrassing moment of 2005?
Shamelessly drunk in front of passion/poppi

The funniest thing you saw on TV in 2005?
Russell Peters!!"somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad"

The funniest thing you heard on the radio?
The "gotcha" morning show by the morning crew hosted by Rudi and JJ

Did you take any vacations in 2005? Where?
The last would be my sydney trip with my immortal

Any new hobbies of 2005?
Everything seems meaningless and tasteless

Did you get a new job in 2005?
Yupyup....worked for CDM Australia and my uni guild

Did you lose a job in 2005?
Not lose but quit when I decided to come back to M'sia for my immortal

Did you host a party in 2005?
Not really

Did you get in any car accidents in 2005?
Sort of...no thanks to a certain white kancil lady driver and some mat rempet

Did you get a ticket in 2005?
Thank God, NO

Were you ever arrested in 2005? Wanna say for what?
Arrested for being too damn emo <---Happy now YC?

Where did most of your money go?
Petrol, toll (I work in cyberjaya ok!) and alcohol (the answer to my problems)

What song will always remind you of 2005?
My Immortal - Evanescence and Blind - Lifehouse

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Doing things for myself

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Taking things for granted

Thing you were really good at in 2005?
Sacrificing and giving in

Thing you wish you were better at in 2005?
Conducting and directing my life in the right manner

In 2005, did you lie to miss a day of work / school?
Nope....followed the datelines strictly

Did you have a sleep over in 2005?
Drunken escapades

Did you make-out in public in 2005?
of course....with my immortal...how I miss her so *sigh*

Did you drink to much in 2005?
I guess I did...lost 8-9 kilos when I stopped drinking because of domestication

Did you go to any concerts? Which ones?
Not in 2005

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
The person whom you love the most, hurts you the worst

P/S: Looney, I was half drunk when I was doing the original survey on frienster ok?HAHAHAHAHAH

Intoxication condition

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams

The night before last, I thought I was totally wasted but last night brought a new meaning to being wasted. Was in Poppi/Passion when I bumped into 2 groups of old uni mates and that was it. Last night was just sheer maddness. Drinking from one table to the next. The people from the first table were more subtle and controlled. Moving on to the next table. The people there were more barbaric and lacked traction control. Of course, these people will try to instigate or fuel you so that you'll lose it for that spur of the moment and act randomly or irrationally with statements like:

• I don't care!You must drink with me since I haven't seen you in a while
• Woi housemate!don't embarrass me! -_-'
• I don't care. You're gonna finish it cos I didn't see you drink

The result?I got so fucking wasted by the end of the night. Thankfully I had some friends whom I could count on when I couldn't even help myself.

• Thanks Jay Mee for taking care of me when we were outside
• Thanks Aaron for leading me back to the car (because of that I shall spare you the humiliation of posting up Apple's pic)

I woke up with a fucking bad hangover. No splitting headaches though but feel like I was still drunk from last night. People say that the cure for a hangover would be to have more drinks. I was pissed drunk on Friday night and was still suffering from a hangover when I was in Passion. And the outcome? FUCKING pissed drunk. *sigh*. Blur and lethargic, I lazed around the house aimlessly. I was feeling so out that I declined all invites to go out. Hibernate at home the whole day.

Few nights ago, I had an emotionally disturbing dream that threw myself back into the state of depression. The vivid dream showcased me and her in it, KISSING!The first touch of our lips felt awkward but the subsequent ones felt so real. So real till I could feel something warm touching my lips. Once the kissing stopped, she asked me "why do you hate me so much?" I forced myself to wake up to avoid further destruction being inflicted. When I woke up, I was feeling so confused. I don't know what to feel any more. If I could just ask God one question:

LORD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL AND SAVE ME FROM THE GUTTERS! from your humble servant,

James Oh

A dream has power to poison sleep

Happy Hour: Food for my soul

The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it.

A blink of an eye and the weekend is already here. I never expect myself to be looking forward to the weekend with such enthusiasm. Maybe the weekend is the only time I can go all out without having the burden of waking up early for work over my shoulders. Things were so much different when I was working back in Australia last time. During then, the only thing I was looking forward everytime I get home from a long day from work was her face. But things are so much different now. My priority has changed especially when she's not longer part of my life anymore. My preception of the weekend currently is the time of the week where I feel I really earned the time to let all hell break loose which means drinking and getting drunk irresponsibly.

Furthermore with the long weekend coming up, (For those who were not informed, Monday is a public holiday) which means a longer weekend for me to party like there's no tomorrow ala Armageddon. Amen to that! I just hope I don't end up with a bunch of emo talkin or violent actin people when they get drunk which will eventually affect my mood especially when I'm under the influence. I rather have peers who would be in the "are you enjoy?" mood when they're under the influence.

As I'm writing this posting, my judgement is actually clouded from the generous amount of alcohol I had earlier on. Feeling rather tipsy now. For some fucked up reason, alcohol is like coffee for me. If I don't get fucking drunk, I'll be awake as an owl. In fact, I didn't want to join the rest of my mates for happy hour at first as I was very tired from work. Since its a Thursday (Friday 3am), the only question that's lingering in my head now is:

How the fuck am I going to wake up for work on time tomorrow?

Have mercy on thy soul

How could I have been so blind. I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you

The days have been gloomy as it's been pouring a lot lately. Guess that pretty much sums up my emotional being as well. It's not because of my job nor because of her, well partially because of her. It's because of life in general. Been dwelling in the question "what is MY life all about?". At the moment my life feels like its in a crossroad with no direction and motivation. Take my job for example. I feel like I'm doing my job because I HAVE to and not because I WANT to. I mean my boss is a very nice person and I couldn't ask for a better one. Its just that the things that I use to enjoy doing doesn't seem to bring contentment and satisfaction anymore. I do it because the rest of my mates are doing it. I'm just going along with the flow of life without choosing which direction to follow; where ever the tides may take me.

They say life is all about choices. But since I got back from Australia, all that has happened is by far not by choice, but by force. She left me and that didn't leave me any choice. I was forced to live with it. I was forced to take this job by my parents and that also wasn't by choice. My accident is not by choice but was inflicted because I got forced between two person's vendetta. That's just a few to mention considering my bad luck streak seems to be never ending. Nothing good has come into my life since I got back. Looking back when I was still back in Australia, I was spoilt for choices and options. I could not fathom that I would ever end up in this predicament *sigh*

If Jesus is wrong, then I don't want to be right.....

After reading YC's last two postings, I contemplated the existance of God. I mean I do acknowledge that he exist but does he REALLY EXIST?, that's the question. See the difference there? By religion, I'm a Christian but after all that has happened, my faith has been tested thoroughly(Not that I'm some super hardcore Christian anyway. I don't even go church on Sundays). Is there really such person of this supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator that strikes fear on every human being who believed that "for God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life"?Frankly speaking, I really don't know what to believe anymore. If I don't even have faith or belief or confidence in myself, then there can be no room for God in my life. It would help if at least some of my prayers were answered but judging from my current situation, things took a turn for the worse. One bad event after another. So what next?The Grim Reaper knocking on my door telling me that its time to go?If he decides to come, here are my last words:

1. My family: I love you all and will watch over you all from above.
2. My mates: I love you guys but not that much but you all can count on me to drop in a few good words to lady luck so that she may grant all of you prosperity and good health for the rest of your lifes.
3. My Immortal: I still love you no matter what, even after you shattered my heart into million pieces but will definitely keep all the good boys away from you so that you won't be breaking their hearts like how you broke mine. Hope you'll end up with bad boys and that you'll constantly get hurt by them. Don't worry. I'll make sure it happens from above.

...and the truth shall set you free