Have mercy on thy soul

How could I have been so blind. I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you

The days have been gloomy as it's been pouring a lot lately. Guess that pretty much sums up my emotional being as well. It's not because of my job nor because of her, well partially because of her. It's because of life in general. Been dwelling in the question "what is MY life all about?". At the moment my life feels like its in a crossroad with no direction and motivation. Take my job for example. I feel like I'm doing my job because I HAVE to and not because I WANT to. I mean my boss is a very nice person and I couldn't ask for a better one. Its just that the things that I use to enjoy doing doesn't seem to bring contentment and satisfaction anymore. I do it because the rest of my mates are doing it. I'm just going along with the flow of life without choosing which direction to follow; where ever the tides may take me.

They say life is all about choices. But since I got back from Australia, all that has happened is by far not by choice, but by force. She left me and that didn't leave me any choice. I was forced to live with it. I was forced to take this job by my parents and that also wasn't by choice. My accident is not by choice but was inflicted because I got forced between two person's vendetta. That's just a few to mention considering my bad luck streak seems to be never ending. Nothing good has come into my life since I got back. Looking back when I was still back in Australia, I was spoilt for choices and options. I could not fathom that I would ever end up in this predicament *sigh*

If Jesus is wrong, then I don't want to be right.....

After reading YC's last two postings, I contemplated the existance of God. I mean I do acknowledge that he exist but does he REALLY EXIST?, that's the question. See the difference there? By religion, I'm a Christian but after all that has happened, my faith has been tested thoroughly(Not that I'm some super hardcore Christian anyway. I don't even go church on Sundays). Is there really such person of this supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator that strikes fear on every human being who believed that "for God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life"?Frankly speaking, I really don't know what to believe anymore. If I don't even have faith or belief or confidence in myself, then there can be no room for God in my life. It would help if at least some of my prayers were answered but judging from my current situation, things took a turn for the worse. One bad event after another. So what next?The Grim Reaper knocking on my door telling me that its time to go?If he decides to come, here are my last words:

1. My family: I love you all and will watch over you all from above.
2. My mates: I love you guys but not that much but you all can count on me to drop in a few good words to lady luck so that she may grant all of you prosperity and good health for the rest of your lifes.
3. My Immortal: I still love you no matter what, even after you shattered my heart into million pieces but will definitely keep all the good boys away from you so that you won't be breaking their hearts like how you broke mine. Hope you'll end up with bad boys and that you'll constantly get hurt by them. Don't worry. I'll make sure it happens from above.

...and the truth shall set you free