Incompleteness in absence

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

A thousand days have passed by since I held her close to me. I remembered the day when she called and said goodbye. It seemed like it was yesterday but yet it felt like a lifetime. Its been almost 2 months...the longest 2 months of my life filled with pain and suffering. Nevertheless, despite all the pain and suffering she made me endure, strangely I don't habour any feelings of anger, hatred and resentment towards her but instead, my deepest and inner most love for her are called forth by the memories that depicts how much she meant to me. After she called, I thought I've lost it all. Even if I'd lose her, I would still feel the same cause I will love her till they take my heart away.

People ask me why I love her so much?What so special about her?At first I couldn't really put it into words. To answer their question, I have to first consider the things about love below

• When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth.
• Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
• Love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you don't yell at her because you know it would hurt her feelings.
• Love chooses not for itself, but only seeks to make possible the choices of the beloved other.

She use to call me by chinese name...she called me CheeKee and not Chee Kit. Even after correcting her, she still calls me by that. It became exclusively our "thing". If that nickname was to leak out to my friends, I would be a laughing stock and I would never hear the end of it from them. I didn't tell her not to call me that in front of my friends. She just knew not to call me that in front of them. When I was working in CDM Australia, it was really very tiring. I wake up as early as 6.45am to prepare myself for work which starts at 8.30am. I had to take 2 buses just to get to work and the journey takes about an hour. Working there wasn't easy. I had to execute a lot of tedious, monotonous and repetitive tasks. The working environment was very taxing and pressuring considering the deadlines and the quality control we had to meet. After work around 5pm, I had to brave the after office hour traffic. I had to take a train and a bus home and the journey takes about an hour as well. As I reached my doorstep, she'll automatically opens the door for me as if she was telepathic. I didn't have to ring the doorbell. The moment she opens the door is the moment I've been waiting for the whole day, the moment I've always wanted to come home to. There she stood smiling away with her face beaming with joy at the presence of my being. She would mutter the word "baby!" in a cute manner and she would hug me tightly. Without fail, it always made my day. All my stress and tiredness disappeared from that moment. I graduated 1 semester earlier then she did and I was suppose to come back but I stayed back against my parent's wishes just for her. I didn't do it just for the sake of it. I did a lot of reasoning before I made that decision. She didn't have many friends in Australia so if I was to go back, she wanted to stay alone in a 1 bedroom apartment near uni and trust me, the safety of the suburbs within the radius of our uni leaves much to be desired. I've been living there for 3 years and I know the crime rate around these suburbs. You can say I contributed to the stats of victims of crime around these suburbs. Not once, but a few times. Furthermore, she had a few night classes as well. I didn't feel right to let her be on her on. I feared for her safety. I just can't rest with the fact that she, a girl, staying all alone by herself and travelling back at night alone. I know it for a fact that if I was to return to Malaysia, I would be worried sick everyday. After thoroughly deducing all these factors, I decided to stay for her. My parents were against it and threaten to cut providing further funds to me if I decided to stay. They gave me 2 choices; either I come back or I have to support myself including paying for the necessary expenses for the visa that'll allow me to stay on and work if I wanted to stay there. The cost of the visa was quite expensive. I had to work 3 jobs just to raise the adequate funds needed to pay for the valid visa in a short period of time as the deadline for applying was very soon and I had to also raise funds to support my living expenses. Though it was really tough, I did it for her and until today, considering the outcome, I've never regretted sacrificing this much and also other things that need not be mentioned for her.

Since I met her, my life has never been the same. She brought life to everything I did. She captured something inside me beyond explanation and made all my dreams come true. It not enought that she loved me for me. She reached inside and touched me eternally. Because of her, my life has changed.

Even though for right now she's so far away, I hope and I pray that somewhere in her heart I'll always stay. Lately, my sun doesn't shine without her. I never really took noticed what it feels like to be without her but now I do. It feels like I took my last step and my last breath in my life ending. Have you ever seen flowers NEVER bloom or see the stars fly without the moon?That's how it feels without her..I need her here with me to turn my night back into day. This is more for me than for her. I finally realise that there's no substitute for what we had and what we've shared, I can't forget. A love like hers, I'll never let just slip away. Because of that, I'm gonna tell her and show her that I'll do whatever I can to get back to her. If only I could see THAT smile from her again; I know that I could live again. I just wonder if she knows how much I love her.

If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, but if you don't have love, it doesn't matter much what else you have.