The memories that consume

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain

The memories consumes me and it feels like old wounds are being opened. Heavy thoughts sift through dust as happy thoughts forcing their way out of me. I’m picking myself apart again. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for anymore. I don’t know why I instigate and say what I don’t mean. I don’t know how I got this way. I know it’s not alright. I just want to wash aside all the helplessness inside but mainly, I just want to break this habit. I just want to take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Sometimes I reminisce the past that we shared, bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have. Its like moving pictures in my head and plays what it felt like forever. I watched time go right out the window by trying to hold on but least I realised that I wasted it all just to watch her go. I kept everything inside. I tried so hard and only got so far. Even though I've tried, it all still fell apart. Sometimes I've thought of letting go and never looking back. But yet at the same time, I thought of never moving forward so that there would never be a past. I don’t want to be the one where the battles always choose cause inside I realize that in the end, I’m the one confused.

People say that she played a number on me or that I've been had or that I've been played out. Reflecting back on our times with those words in my head, I do feel that I trusted her too well and all the tiring time on how trying to put my trust in her just takes so much out of me. I just want to tell her presence within me these two words; "Don't stay". I need to forget about our memories and our possibilities. If I had a chance to tell her what I want from her, I would tell her to take all her faithlessness with her and fuck off but before fucking off, please give me myself back. It just doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to be ignored and I certainly don't need another day of her wasting me away with no apologise. What it all meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time.