The virtue of patience and perseverance

When the world says, "Give up", hope whispers, "Try it one more time"

The whole world is telling me to just give up and move on with life...if the world is against me, then who is with me?everyone I know seems to see this as a lost cause but something inside me shouts "don't go down without a fight"...I won't know unless I try...I can't help myself from feeling this way...I have to fight for the person I love...the person who's really special to me...

I'm so confused...I don't know what I want...I don't know if she's worth it...I don't know if I'll be able to cope with another emotional rollercoaster like this..most of me says its worth the risk but a small part of me just tells me to let go and move on cos I can definitely find a better one...the thing is I don't want another one....I really don't want to start all over again...she's the only person I know whom I can really understand, trust, connect with, communicate with...she's the other part that completes who I really am...I know her habits, her way of thinking, her interests, her reaction to things, her likes, her dislikes and vice versa...

I wrote her an e-mail telling her how much I'm sorry for hurting her, how much I miss her, how I can't live without her and how much I love her...she said that she knows how I feel but she said she still can't bring herself to continue this relationship...she said if she does it, it'll only make me happy and not her....she said she needed some time before she can commit into any relationship...if time is what she needs then its time she'll get...I need to play my cards right...I need to remain in contact with her but yet keep my distance...I don't want to pressure her at all...the more I do that, the slimmer my chances get...I need to give her more space and time....I know its gonna be tough and hard but I need to persevere...I need to be patient...as long as if there is hope, then there will be the will to march on...

I've tried so hard to tell myself that she's gone...I held her hand through all of this 1 year but she still has all of me

My judgement, clouded by pride and ego

When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough

The quote above at times do apply to me....sometimes I feel that this whole thing was my fault...I blame myself for what had happened...

She didn't spend much time with me since we got back..she only saw me once in two weeks...she wanted to spend more time with her friends whom she hasn't seen in a year....I wasn't too happy bout it...eventhough we talked bout it, she didn't deliver what she promised me...when she realised that and she wanted to make it up to me but I somehow fucked everything up...I played hard to get...she wanted to spend time with me but I purposely told her I was busy...when she called me to talk to me, I gave her the cold shoulder...she tried to reconcile with me but I fucked it up...when I just couldn't take it anymore, I just lashed it out on her...I said a lot of mean things to her...all these happened within the span of 1-2 weeks and by then, it was all over...I've never let my ego and pride get the better of me throughout our relationship but this was the first time I slipped...a very costly one...why was I so fucking stupid??If only I was more understanding...if only I didn't let my ego and pride cloud my judgement...I should have just forgave her for what she did and everything would be back to normal...this is the FIRST time I've ever acted this way throughout our relationship...I didn't know why I even acted this way....I feel so stupid and I really regretted it..times like this I feel that its not worth giving up this relationship...I just can't bare to see something so beautiful evaporate into thin air over some stupid matter...I feel so disgruntled...I feel that I should be doing everything I can to win her heart back even if it cost me my ego and pride...fuck my ego and pride...in the first place, they were the culprits that caused my downfall...I'm willing to do anything at any price to win her heart back

I've always tried to be levelheaded...always tried to be rational...always tried to be realistic...but sometimes my emotions get the better of me...its kind of funny that my emotions are the worst enemy of my mind..each of them vowing to take control over my judgement...it feels as if I have to two different personalities...one is based on emotions and the other one based on rationality...the mix reactions and feelings I'm getting are driving me to the brink of insanity, close to suicidal...I don't know what to feel or think anymore...I just feel so tired and numb...

I don't know where to start cos its really breaking my heart...don't wanna let her go...I know I got love to believe in...all I know I've got to win this time

-If she was the one, then nothing in this world can change how she feels about me-

P/S:thanks looney...you might not know this, but you've saved me from slipping deeper into depression...not only did you give me meaningful advices, you've brought cheer and laughter into my already shattered emotions in my time of need...thanks bro

The reason to let go

I wanted to break his face too for stealing her heart away from me ... but I have come to realize that it was the situation; not me. Things change and it's all for a reason... If she was the one, then nothing in this world can change how she feels about me

The quote above was a piece of advice a good mate of mine gave me..I've finally realised that there's no point hating her cos its not her fault...things happened for a reason...it was the situation that was the culprit and not me..I spoke to her last night and she finally gave me the reasons..the main reason was that she didn't have her privacy when we co-habitated...I understand that she's the kind of girl that yearns for privacy but there's nothing much I can do given the circumstances we were in..that brings me to another matter..she lacks commitment...I guess co-habitating was more then what she's willing to commit to in this relationship..thirdly, being the independant girl she is, she did not like the person she turned into when she was with me...she claimed that she was dependant on me which was something she didn't like...all in all, she wasn't happy when she was with me given the situation that we had to endure..when she came back, her feelings for me disappeared...like a force of nature her love faded with the stars at dawn

She's everywhere I go...whether I'm conscious or asleep...she's everywhere...last night, again I had a dream...I dream that I was holding her hand while we were walking pass a crowd...in the dream, I was feeling like the happiest man in the world...the joy and the feeling of relieve I felt was so overwhelming, it seemed so real...it all went great until I woke up just to realise that it was just a dream...even in my dreams she haunts me..I wish that she would just leave cause her presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone...even the bottle is deserting me...it use to help last time but as of late, it makes me more aggressive and emotional...it makes me even more depress

Everyone tells me I should forget about her, including herself, she doesn't deserve me. They're right, she doesn't deserve me, but I deserve her....people need loving the most when they deserve it the least...when she loved me, everything was beautiful...every hour we spent together, lives in my heart

Hatred is self-punishment

I hate her so much but yet I can't deny that I still love her....this pain inside is excruciating...consciously, I try not to think about her...the only thing that's keeping my sanity intact is the hope of landing the job in London...that hope is the only thing neutralising the depression I'm going through...this job is the only job I've applied for and I really want it to happen....I really want to leave this country....I feel like a stranger in this country...I've been back for almost two months but I've still not adapted back to the life here....I feel like my friends have deserted me during my darkest hour....I want to go somewhere far far away so I can start afresh...

A couple of days ago, my mate and I went out for some drinks...we talked bout our past relationships the whole night...she told me that by hating her, I will only cause myself more pain....I can hate her all I want but she's going on with her life normally and enjoying every second of it...she just got back from a holiday trip with her friends....she didn't tell me bout her trip but she purposely put the pictures of her holiday on her MSN display and on her friendster page....the pictures were dated back on the 15th September 2005 which was a few days ago.... I'm beginning to understand what my mate was trying to explain to me....the thought of her enjoying herself really hurt me bad....is it worth it?Instead, I'm only putting more pain on myself if I continue hating her..the question that's lingering over my head is should we even be friends?

She's not worth my time.....she's not worth getting all worked up about...she's not worth getting upset about...all this is already taking a toll on my physical, emotional and physiological body...I can't sleep and I can't eat....and for what?I'm dwelling in this never ending shit hole of and I just want to get out...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown with no one to turn to and nothing to look forward to....it feels like I'm all alone in this world...I just want it all to end

I feel that I don't know her at all...she's so different from the girl I fell in love with...what is wrong with girls of today?I feel that I was misled...she wasn't the first girl that did this to me...I am who I am...what you see is what you get...the face I show is who I really am....why can't girls just show me who they really are instead of manipulating me into thinking who they want me to think they are!Why do girls like to hide behind a mask?That is the reason why I'm a staunch non-believer in love at first sight...physical appearance can never paint stories..it just leads to infatuation which will most probably end up quite ugly...like how mine did...for me, her physical appearance did play a role but only secondary..but for her case, I figured it was pretty much my appearance that was primary...she did tell me once that she can't resist guys with my kind of eyes and that was what caught her attention...for her it must have been infatuation....for me, it was something deeper than that...One thing for sure, I will always love the false image I had of her

The hottest love has the coldest end....I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken...I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live

I'm leaving on a jetplane...fingers crossed

As the best wine doth make the sharpest vinegar, so the deepest love turneth to the deadliest hate.

A quote well said...it best describe my emotional transition from the deepest love to the deadliest hate

I had a very emotionally derailing dream last night...I dream that we were hugging tightly and was having the happiest time of our lives...I was feeling very awkward in the dream and I had forced myself to wake up....I've got to admit that I still love her very much....but I rather relish my hatred and anger for her rather then habouring my love for her...the bitterness built up inside is the only reason that's keeping me together...I know if I still habour my love for her, the more hurt I'll get....so fuck it!

Why did I do so much for her?Why did I sacrifice so much for her?so that I can earn her so-called love?This is fucking bullshit...in the first place, it was more like a one way traffic....I've always been giving and giving...what has she given me in return?practically nothing!!the most maybe a false sense of happiness....Who does she think she is??a fucking Goddess??if she can find a guy who'll practically worships the ground she walks on and listen to each abd every one of her command then I'll find you a dolphine that can run......fucking selfish cunt...all she wants is to be happy...and how?she doesn't care...its all bout her, her and herself...its so fucking obvious...she just wants to be happy at my expense...she just don't fucking understand that in a relationship, its always a 2 way thing...its about giving and taking...but nnnooo...she just likes to take, take and take until she's bored of taking from the same person...so its time to jump off the wagon...I just wonder who would her next victim be?whoever he is, he has my sympathy...sorry ass fucker...an experience with her is more then enough for me to digest...there's no more a next time

My sister called me all the way from London and told me that her company is looking for people from the IT line...my sister has been trying to get me to work in London with her but I've declined for her sake...but this time the offer was concrete...something that'll benefit me in my career...its a chance of a lifetime...you won't get a company as big as Ernst and Young come knocking on your door everyday....I would decline it if things were what they use to be but this time I won't....its a good opportunity for me but most importantly I just want to get away as far as I can from her...I don't want to be anywhere near her

If she realises that she still loves me or still have feelings for me, then that's her fucking problem....she has to deal with it...what gives her the fucking right to play with people's feelings and emotions?for what??her own selfish gain?screw that shit!!if she decides to take that path in life, then there's no turning back...I told her that before...I told her to choose her decisions wisely before making her final verdict....there are things in life where there's no second chance..there's no turning back...

I'm so tired of being here...suppressed by all my childish fears...if she has to leave I wish that she would just leave cause her presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone...now I'm bound by the life shes' left behind...her face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams...her voice it chased away, all the sanity in me...

When love and hate collide

It has been four days since I last spoke to her...my feelings and emotions have morphed into hatred and anger....that last faithful night when we spoke, we didn't finish what we were discussing about...she told me she was feeling tired and she wanted to sleep so I took her word for it and left to the next day to sort it out

That was four fucking days ago...she didn't call me at all....not only that, she even blocked me on her MSN list just to avoid me...I bet if i called her, she either will hang up or she'll just let it ring....what a fucking prick!a fucking selfish cunt who only thinks about herself and nobody else....not only that, she's also a fucking coward who doesn't want to own up to the things she has done...instead, she hid and ran away from it....I bet she doesn't have any sense of guilt lingering over her...then I remembered one thing she told me last time..."Don't be like that....its up to yourself"....one of my mate whom I mentioned in one of my previous postings revealed that she still feels very guilty bout what she has done...she haven't forgiven herself even until today...for the past 2 years!fucking cold hearted bitch...left me alone to rot...she didn't even care how I was feeling or how I was coping with the breakup

When we were together, she would always complaint to me bout her former best friend whom she says is a "user" of people with wealth....now that I look at it, she and her former best friend are two of the same kind...only difference is that they prey on different people...as mentioned, the former would pray on people with wealth...as for her, she would pray on innocent people whom she knows who are willing to give her anything including their own lifes....basically nice guys who would sacrifice anything for her

Whilst we were still studying, she didn't have any close friends as they were all back in her home country....she needed a person close to her...a person who can be her companion...and this was were I came in...she tricked me into believing that she really did love and care for me...used me for her own selfish gains...I was disposable and expandable to her....that was the case when she found there was no need for me when she came back to all her friends in her home country...I was thrown out just like that...like old newspaper...she had a lot to lose if things were to go wrong back there....she didn't like me hanging out with my girl friends..there was this one incident...we were planning to go for holidays either to Melbourne or Sydney and I suggested why not to both states?the price different wasn't that significant..just a couple of tens of dollars...she didn't like the idea because if we were to go Melbourne, we would have to bunk in one of my mate's place who happened to be a girl....we ended up going to sydney and we bunked in my brother's place which was acceptable to her...what the fuck??

She also stated that one of her reasons of breaking up is because she was dependant on me and she didn't like it....but eexxccuussee mmmee...is it my fucking fault that you turned out that fucking way?I didn't force her to become dependant on me...she chose to become like that...and now she's blaming it on me indirectly....not only that, another issue that she mentioned was that she lacked the space and privacy that she desperately needed...what the fuck??when I go out with my friends, she would always give me that pathetic look indicating that she's not happy that I went out with them and that she wanted me to stay home with her...if she wants to go out on her own, by all means do it!but nnnNNnooOo...she ALWAYS have to drag me along eventhough I don't want to go....she's just to narrow minded and too proud to see the bigger picture....the picture that she herself painted...she just couldn't accept the fact that she brought it upon herself...so to ease her pride and ego, I was made the scapegoat

She can run but she can't hide forever....I believe that karma will come back and bite her right in the ass so hard, watching her fall from grace would be a pleasure...you can expect me in the front row seat for that matter...wouldn't want to miss the best part of the show...do not do onto others, what you don't want to be done onto you

A mistake

Love is not blind - It sees more and not less,but because it sees more it is willing to see less...a quote that seems so relevant in my case...

Love is the wisdom of the fool ...that's exactly what I am...a FOOL in love...today, my progress to recovery suffered a major setback...she messaged me on MSN asking me to go out with her for a drink...I know for a fact that I shouldn't but like I've said, I was a fool in love...without any hesitation, I agreed with her....we went to a nearby coffee shop for some drinks while she had something to eat as well...the whole time she was being very casual about everything....including our relationship issues...but it was different for me...I was struggling to contain my emotions...I couldn't look her in the eye and talk to her...I had to face somewhere else while I talk to her...i tried joking with her but then she just got so offended...I joked by saying that she only calls me out when her friends are busy....by the mid-session, I was already at my very lowest point...there's only so much that a normal human being can take...the last straw was when she said this to me "you have eyebags!You never had eyebags...why?haven't you been sleeping enough?"Isn't it obvious??she knows emotionally, mentally and physicaly I'm in a wreck and common sense tells you that a person in that stage won't eat properly and sleep properly but yet she still can ask me these type of things...I've even forgotten what's it like to be hungry...of course she wouldn't understand...she has been eating regularly and sleeping regularly...that's beside the point....calmly, I told her that she should stop talking bout our relationship issues cos its making me worse....she got so offended she said to me "fine!I'll just shut up...I won't say anything cos everything I say, I'm in the wrong"....a mist of silence filled the air and the situation was getting very awkward....not before long, we decided to head for home...when I reached home then only I realised the magnitude of my mistake....

I just couldn't take it anymore...the depression was overwhelming...I had to vent my surpressed feelings in some kind of medium....then I realised sports was the best and healthy way to do so...the past couple of days, I've been playing basketball and it did really help...when I'm on the court, my mind doesn't wonder off into the depression zone...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of physical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of sinking the balls into the hoop!it felt as though all my supressed feelings were gone...I know it'll come back to haunt me but just for that moment, I was feeling good about everything without having this burden on my shoulders.....then cruel fate took a twist at my expense....an accident happened...as I was driving into the hoop, I made a fake and my opponent jumped into the air full stretch thinking I was going to make that shot...as my back was aligned horizontally, he lost balance and crashed full impact and full weight on my back...the impact was so hard, I fell on the floor face down...as I got up, I felt a striking pain on my lower back and then I realised that I suffered a very bad sprain....I just couldn't play on as the pain was excruciating....I was feeling miserable again...my one and only medium of expressing my surpressed feelings has been robbed from me...why??haven't I suffered enough??What is God trying to do to me??I've already been stripped bare of my emotions, my self-esteem, my pride, my health and so on....basically everything that makes me, me!

Later on at night, I just couldn't sit still at home...I need to be around some friends....I didn't care if my back breaks, I just need to go somewhere to get my mind off things...I needed some kind stimulant to calm my nerves and to relax the pain off my back....called up a few friends and I ended up resorting to alcohol..my only friend whom has never failed me before so far....after quite a few drinks, I was getting very relaxed....with my friends by my side, they've borrowed their shoulder for me to cry on....I can't carry on living and swearing by the bottle...its not that I don't want to...its just that its burning a hole in my pocket since I haven't found a job yet....then this strucked my mind....my mom did drug testing for her company that produces anti-depressants and she has heaps of them....the name is not for the faint hearted......its called *drum roll* P-R-O-Z-A-C.......of course!!!why didn't I think of that earlier?Let's put it this way...Prozac are for patients who are suffering from depression....and I'm suffering from depression as well....hence, I'm not abusing the drug...so its perfectly legal for me to be using it....all I have to do is find out where my mom puts them...if not, I'll tell my mom what happened....she still doesn't know that I broke up but she'll eventually know....at least I have valid reasons to be taking it...I just don't want to lie to my mom

Its been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and there still isn't the slightest improvement at all....how long will this pain and suffering last?My mate told me that I agreed upon meeting her because I still habour hopes of getting back together with her...the truth is yes I still do habour hopes of doing so..she told me that I should just forget bout that and just move on...maybe I can't at the moment because I don't see the bigger picture like she do....my mind is telling me move on and completely let go of everything related to her but my heart speaks otherwise...my heart still habours hope that there is still the slightest glimpse of working things out..maybe because my feelings for her is still as strong as every....I'm thrown into a state of confusion.....I don't know which one to listen to...only fate can decide my outcome....I don't know...the only thing I know is that I want it all to end...by hook or by crook, it doesn't matter as long as the desired results prevail

The reason

I've spoken to one of my mates today and she gave me what I felt was the best explaination...my mate told me that she could really relate and understand where she's coming from cos she told her ex the same thing as well....her relationship with her ex for 3 years crumbled and evaporated in that 1 year they co-habitated.....its not because that guy didn't treat her nicely, in fact, he treated her like a queen...I know that for a fact because I know him personally...he's a very down to earth person and he definitely knows how to treat a lady

The conversation I had with my mate is as below:
Pamie nothing unusual, nothing strange, close to nothing at all says:
it's really hard la.... to see and live with yr boyfriend 24/7........it becomes so routine that the passion for each other can be lost yunno.......because it's gotten so comfortable.......maybe that's how she feels ler.....like now....she's no longer seeing/staying with u 24/7.......she starts to experience a new sense of freedom which seems exciting now.......because she hasn't had it for almost a year........but that doesn't mean she doesn't love u completely......just that this new freedom and lifestyle all of a sudden seemed a more fashionable option u know?she needs a new experience from what she had for a year ler......you should try to move on the best way possible.......DO NOT wait for her.....it's for the best......her feelings for u are still there, just in a different form.......she doesn't see u as a boyfriend anymore.......that's why she wants to break up....i'm speaking from my experience la... esp since i'm a girl and this is a very simlar situation.....i see william*(her ex whom she dated for more then 3 years)*differently, i still love him.... but more like family because we're so close...but the passion and feelings are all gone......you're more like a close close friend who knows her, lived with her...and because u gave in too much......she didn't have to fight for u to stay with u......and that's usually the reason why she took u for granted......it's not worth it to do any saving for now la......she's too excited abt being home now, that's why the break up hasn't affected her and probably won't......she's not as cold as u think she is, she's just too caught up with other things at the moment to even have the time to be cold towards u.....because let's face it, she just doesnt hvae the time for u now at all

the next conversation we had really had me thinking....I can see myself walking this path and its not something to be desired at all:
william and i were tgt for 3 years......i know he still loves me la.....i mean i know he was waiting for me eversince we broke up......but he told me that now eventho he still loves me, he realized that i will never getback with him and it hurts him to see me with new boyfriends ler....like really confused him.....i don't want u to end up like william....that's why, just really accept the fact for now that there's no turning back, all has been said and done.....and try to move on and don't wait for her

I sort of like understand the situation but still I just couldn't grasp the fact that I digged my own grave...the last part of our conversation totally pushed me back into a state of confusion again....basically she contradicted all that she has just said:
IF she still loves u, she'll do things to get u back and if that time u still feel for her, then that's the time to get back together but don't try to win her back for now and move on instead....if she wants u back, she'll fight for u

Overall this conversation we had was quite an eye opener....I've realised a lot of things....so basically, I dugged my own grave by staying back for her and coming back with her...then again, even IF I didn't stay back for her, things might not work out as well...I'm a staunch non-believer in long distance relationships because I know most long distance relationships won't last....I don't have to prove anything as the stats shows it eventhough a formal research has never been conducted before....Its not that I don't have faith in myself, its just that I don't have faith in her...I was afraid that she'll lose all her feelings for me because she just got used to no having me around...and that was the reason why I stayed back for her...looks like my plan or good intentions rather, has been backfired...to start off with, this relationship was never meant to be...I just have to accept the fact that I chose the wrong person to start a relationship with....I've tried all ways possible to make things work but it seemed that all is in vain...I've tried my best to make her happy in so many ways possible....so I feel that the problem doesn't lie with me.....it lies within her....she has some major issues in a lot of areas in her life such as commitment as one of the major issue that I feel is priority...she doesn't seem to feel guilty or anything close to that for what she's done to me in which she played a number on me...I feel so used....used of my time, effort, resources and well being...my grief and sorrow seemed to be turning into hatred, bitterness and anger....

after all I've said and done, it still doesn't justify the reason I'm feeling this way....I know for a fact that things just didn't work out between us....the only thing left for me to do is to understand and accept that fact....knowing and understanding things are two whole different concept...only in due time will I fully grasp the lost that have bestowed upon me

Her past that came back to haunt me and not her

Its been almost a week since she left me....it has really been very hard for me...my life is in a mess...and the bottle is the only friend that I've got....its the only thing keeping my nerves calm....my friends are all working and they don't have time for me when I need them most....Why is the world against me??I'm in this all alone with no one to turn to...Whenever I'm online, she'll be online as well...I tried very hard not to talk to her but I just couldn't control myself...there's no one to talk to besides her....I know I'll be digging my own grave if I did but yet I didn't care...sometimes our conversation will make me feel better but sometimes it made me worse off...what am I suppose to do?I don't know what to do!I want it all to end!

I was talking to another mate of mine who knows her...the conversation I had with him was the finally blow to my already battered emotions....her past that I didn't even know....my world came spiralling down after all the things I've learnt from him....

Her past was filled with dark secrets that evoked a lot of questions for me....she was a wild child last time...getting drunk and throwing up everywhere....my mate even told me that she could out drink him!My mate and his friend tried dating her but they were turned off by the fact she was rude and at one stage, she threw up while talking to him on the phone because she was too drunk!!a lot of questions popped up in my head....did anything happened during the course when she was drunk?did she sleep with anyone when she was under the influence?did anyone taken advantage of her when she was drunk?Was she a one night stand person?I have this perception that girls like this aren't for keepers....they're more interested in partying and having fun then to have a boyfriend who's a burden to them....that's why I believe picking up girls from clubs are worth the most for a one night stand and nothing more....not for a relationship....these are the type of girls has the tendency to break your heart if you commit yourself to them....no doubt that she has severed all ties to her past and the wild child days of hers are way behind her....her past is the past and I don't care what she did in the past as long as she's not practicing it now......those days of her maybe over but that mentality still lingers....she's still interested in having fun and having a boyfriend is a burden to her....in the end, I was "one" of the guys whom I've been always preaching my believes to......if only I knew...then I wouldn't be where I am now...I could have stopped right there and not take things to the next level....I'm not prosecuting her for her past as she is a totally different girl when I knew her....she doesn't drink and she doesn't party....but knowing someone's past, you can learn a lot about the person....

I didn't understand why she was very reluctant to tell me things about her past but now I understand why....but why didn't I force it out of her?If I did, then I won't be in this predicament.....but then again, her past might not be something easy to digest especially when I'm very sensitive when it comes to this matter...furthermore the things my mate told me was just the surface....there's no knowing what other dark secrets that still lurks in her past.....for me the best is not to know....the surface was enough for me to deduce what kind of person she is...the outcome?she played a number on me....

My friends tell me I deserve better and so did she....in fact, my ex treated me better then she did...its just that I feel I have a better connection and understand with her then with my ex....I rather compromise nice treatment over the bond that I shared with her anytime

She has got some issues...major ones....no one knows what's lurking in her mind...I've asked a lot of expert opinions and they all gave one common answer.....she's got someone else....she brushed aside that suggestion.....at first I believed her but now I'm starting to doubt her....I seriously don't know what to believe anymore....there's no answer to my question....how can she lose all feelings for someone in a short period of time.....no one can answer me that question....only one person can....she!!but she claimed that she doesn't even know the answer herself....she told me only in time that I'll UNDERSTAND the answer....how can I understand something without even knowing it?

Everyone tells me to move on and get on with my life....when I vowed to get her back, no one seem to support me...is she that bad?no one seem to believe she's worth a second shot...except me....my mate whom I was talking to earlier on did however gave me a very good suggestion...she's afraid to let me in personally....I'm at a crossroad and I don't know what to do...to forget about her and move on with my life with the possibility of regretting later on or to get her back with the possibility of getting hurt again

Judgement day

My last effort of reconciliation seems futile....looks like I'm doomed for a life filled with sorrow, depression, saddness and despair for many more months to come....even years.Nothing to look forward to and the days ahead of me looks very bleak...I've lost all hope...all is lost

Life is short they say, but how come seconds felt like minutes and minutes feels like hours?That was how I felt the night before the confrontation....it was the longest night I've ever experienced as if mother nature purposely extended the night to torment me and looking down on me saying "You are pathetic..."At the break of dawn, I finally got some sleep...but after a few hours, the alarm clock rang and I woke up instantly....judgement day has arrive....the feeling of fear, paranoia and insecurity overwhelmed me as I prepared myself for the confrontation...it felt like I was walking through the shadow of the valley of death to serve my death sentence

Finally she arrived....that face.....that smile....those eyes....her eyes and her smile were the elements that captivated me and took my breath away since the very first day we've met... we went to a coffee shop nearby to have our lunch....we talked and talked......but most of our topic of conversation was touching on social issues rather then focusing on our current situation...I did bring up some issues but then she swiftly diverted the topic...my face was motionless yet filled with saddness....my eyes were swollen from the crying adding to the small dimension of my already minute eyes....the only thing I noticed that she was smiling the whole time which made me feel very uncomfortable...to add things worse, she stroked her tiny and cute fingers on my cheeks repeatedly.....oh Lord!the torment!why don't she just take a knife and just jab it into my heart....literally!it would be quicker and less painful...my feelings were already condemn and the last thing I want is for her to do that as if she was teasing me....after an hour or so, I just couldn't take it anymore....we proceeded to my house for more privacy

As the door to my house was opened, the first thing she did was grab the remote control and started watching TV.....I told her we needed to talk and I turned the TV off....with my knees on the ground and the teary eyes of mine, I told her I was sorry for all the things that I've done and asked for a second chance....as I was talking I noticed her eyes were staring blankly at my face as if she was ignoring me or perhaps she has other agenda on her mind...all she did was smile and tell me "don't be sad" while stroking her fingers through my face....I just didn't understand.....how can someone lose their feelings for the other person in a very short period of time?It only took her 2 weeks....it all happen so sudden...one minute we were like the happiest couple in town and then the next, we weren't a couple anymore....after hours without any breakthrough, I decided that this was where I should stop before things get heated up....I told her that after today, we shouldn't see each other or even speak to one another for the time being until I can get myself together.....there we sat.... watching TV in the mist of silence....the situation was getting very awkward...she was feeling it to as well...that's when she decided to go home

At this point on, my feelings and emotions are already very messed up....sort of like Dr Jackel and Mr. Hyde....one minute I can feel normal then the next I can be either very angry, depress, paranoid and insecure and back to normal or from angry turn to depression to paranoia within minutes, waiting to be unleash onto every human that I come in contact with....except for her....To those people who were caught in the way of my wrath, I'm so so sorry....especially my parents....I was extremely rude to my mom and shouted at her for no apparent reason...or maybe she made some silly comments that I would normally just laugh it off....as for my dad, he got back from work all tired....as he steps into the house, I just totally ignored him without even acknowledging his presences...I didn't even look at him in his face....I was upstairs and I eavesdropped on a conversion between my parents....my dad told my mom "there's a stranger in the house" and my mom replied "a stranger?there's no such thing"....the next thing that my father said made me realise what I've done "the stranger is your son.....he didn't even acknowledge me when I got back...I don't know what's wrong with him"...that was the final blow....I had to get out of the house before I could cause more damage..I needed to channel all this energy without offending anyone....my answer was competitive sports!I made a few phonecalls and we were ready to play indoor soccer with a couple of my mates

We played for an hour and that was the most peaceful hour I've experienced in days...the andrenalin rush, the competition, the feeling of phyical tiredness, the hyperventelation, the sweat, the joy of scoring a goal.......they overwhelmed all my surpressed feelings...it was great!I stayed out as long as I could...until my parents were asleep

I came home and took a nice shower and switched my computer on and got on the Internet....in an instant, she messeged me through MSN messenger....I've already told her to leave me alone....I bet she just didn't absorb that concept...typical her....her reason was that she doesn't want things to turn sour between us....at this point, I was my "normal" self and was rather in a chatty mood...we spoke normally like how friends would talk....I warned her that my emotions are very fragile and sensitive at the moment....and I also told her that I'm trying very hard to surpress them so she better watch what she say....but did she listen??I don't think so!again, so typical of her....she mentioned something that happened to her today and that just made me snap out of my "normal" self and became very paranoid....I was breaking in cold sweat and I told her what she has done and all she can type is "ok ok ok....sorry sorry"....sound sincere?I don't think so...within minutes, I became my normal self again...so we talked normally until she felt tired and needed to sleep...

I thought I knew everything there is to know bout her......her habits, bad and good, her likes, her dislikes, her daily routines, her reactions to certain things, her sleeping positions and so on...what is she thinking now?That's a good question....NO!that SHOULD be the question....how can she be so cold?how can she drop this relationship like a bomb and don't look back?how can she lost all feelings within 2 weeks?how can she act as if nothing happened between us?The only thing I can deduce from all this is that she never really did love me....its was all fabricated...she tried to force herself to love me but in actually fact she didn't....she CLAIMED that she loves me just not as much as last time....but then, how can your love for someone diminish without any warning within a short period of time?It doesn't make sense at all except for that reason which I come to believe....if fate decides to wield his hands to the direction of which there's a chance of us getting together in future, should I risk it all again and take the chance?Is she worth a second chance?How sure am I that she genuinely loves me this time?Only time can answer these questions IF fate decides to play with our destiny....as for now, I doomed to dwell in this bitter life of sorrow, paranoia, depression, saddness and despair for a very long time.