Physical and emotional damage

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.



On this date, it has been exactly 2 months since we broke up. To commemorate this day, I was surprised with a badly sprained ankle while playing basketball. The damage could be worse then I expected. I swore I heard something snapped in my ankle, no thanks to this guy who lost his footing but found it on my foot. Now my foot has swollen to the size of a ball. The pain was so excruciating, I couldn't walk nor sleep. Nevertheless, at least the pain reminds me that I'm still alive and still human after all. This 2 months has been a journey filled with self-discovery and self-reflection. All the roads I had to walk along were winding and all the lights that led me there were blinding. I've been way over my comfort zone whilst I was together with her. I was enclosed in a world where nothing else mattered but her. Guess this is God's cruel way of reminding me that the world is much bigger then this by giving me this heartache coupled with this sprained ankle.

I'm trying very hard to get on with my life and move on. I've started applying for jobs and I'm getting positive and promising replies as well. Instead of my life being at a stand-still, its finally moving somewhere. But still, I just can't help by the fact that I still have feelings for her and I still miss her heaps. I'm sort of like back to the person I use to be before I met her but I want to be the person I was when I was with her. Its hard to explain it in words but I finally understood what it really means. When I was with her, I was so much a better person. I was more responsible and independent. I was more daring and willing to take risks. I was better at my fund and time management. The bottomline is that if I compare my current self and my former self, my former self would be a more proactive person whereas my current self is more a laid-back and procrastinating person. Because of her, my life has changed.

As the days roll on, I could see time standing still for me when she's not here. It feels like I'm stuck in this vacuum between time and reality. There are many things that I would like to say to her but I just don't know how or where to start. Only heaven knows what to say even though for right now she's at a distance.

The memories that consume

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain

The memories consumes me and it feels like old wounds are being opened. Heavy thoughts sift through dust as happy thoughts forcing their way out of me. I’m picking myself apart again. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for anymore. I don’t know why I instigate and say what I don’t mean. I don’t know how I got this way. I know it’s not alright. I just want to wash aside all the helplessness inside but mainly, I just want to break this habit. I just want to take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Sometimes I reminisce the past that we shared, bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have. Its like moving pictures in my head and plays what it felt like forever. I watched time go right out the window by trying to hold on but least I realised that I wasted it all just to watch her go. I kept everything inside. I tried so hard and only got so far. Even though I've tried, it all still fell apart. Sometimes I've thought of letting go and never looking back. But yet at the same time, I thought of never moving forward so that there would never be a past. I don’t want to be the one where the battles always choose cause inside I realize that in the end, I’m the one confused.

People say that she played a number on me or that I've been had or that I've been played out. Reflecting back on our times with those words in my head, I do feel that I trusted her too well and all the tiring time on how trying to put my trust in her just takes so much out of me. I just want to tell her presence within me these two words; "Don't stay". I need to forget about our memories and our possibilities. If I had a chance to tell her what I want from her, I would tell her to take all her faithlessness with her and fuck off but before fucking off, please give me myself back. It just doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to be ignored and I certainly don't need another day of her wasting me away with no apologise. What it all meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time.

A manipulative whore she is

Women are bestowed with ignoble traits: hysteria, duplicitousness, manipulation, cunning. Female aggressive strategies are never valorous, for they are by necessity underhanded, and partly because of that, they run completely counter to the way women want to view themselves

That low life mother fucking manipulative hoe!!When she wants something from me or want to tell me something good that happened to her or ask me something, she would be at her best behaviour and whenever I try to start a dialogue, she just gives me the cold shoulder. We spoke last night on MSN. She messeged me to tell me and ask me somethings. Then we started having a casual conversation. I got quite comfortable and I started to joke with her in a friendly way*. She got offended by it. What the fuck?Being the idiot I was, I apologised. After a while, our conversation got quite heated. I apologised a few times until I just couldn't take it. I told her off "Look here..given the position I'm in now, I'm already trying very hard to be your friend. Its even harder if you are not giving me a chance to be your friend". Straight away she said "I don't know how to answer you....I'm tired and I want to sleep now...ttyl". Sometimes I feel that she used me all along. When she went over to Australia, she didn't have any close friends. She CLAIMED that she loved me and she assured me that I'm not a rebound for her former. Well, she got me into thinking that she actually did loved me. She had me as someone to fall back on in Australia while all her close friends are back in Malaysia. She led me into thinking that everything was perfect and smooth sailing. Or so I've been manipulated into thinking, until we came back to Malaysia. Finally she's back with her friends and found that there was no need for me anymore.
*NOTE: I did not touch on subjects related to our past affiliation.

As men, our brains are designed to spend our time figuring out how to get objects in the environment to do our bidding. On the other hand, women's brains are designed to spend their time figuring out how to get MEN to do their bidding. Men manipulate the environment. Women manipulate men. This is why men devote so much of their time to fiddling around with gadgets, solving problems and playing games, whereas women spend much of their time and money altering the way that they look and chatting about their social current affairs. This is, of course, a sweeping generalisation. But from my own experience and observations, it is a pretty good one!

Most men would be staggered if they understood the lengths to which women normally go in order to manipulate them. But we as men, seem to be completely oblivious to it. The reason is that men are just not operating in the same realm. For example, explains why women are apt to get so uptight and make false accusations against men (e.g. 'date rape') when the relationship does not go according to their plan the following day. They see such a thing as a 'failure to manipulate the man successfully' and this goes right to the very core of their egos. Whereas the men involved in such situations were usually not thinking about relationships at all!

It is surely worth pointing out that if women are the primary arbiters of what men may be permitted to laugh about, then they surely perform the very same function when it comes to what men may be permitted to cry about and if women are, indeed, the determiners of what society cries about, then this means that they also determine what people should be concerned about, which means that they exert a great deal of control over what actually takes place in society. What we have seen over the past century is that women not only exerting their huge psychological power in order to bend society to their will but also colluding with both government and business to exert an even greater force. Both collectively and individually, women are not the hapless victims that they so often portray themselves to be. From my point of view, it is men who are and have been mostly in need of liberating from 'oppression'; not women

Moral of the story: Women ought to be taught a lesson. Either you take them down or you get taken down.

P/S: I don't mean to cause an uproar among the good women out there. Don't get me wrong for I'm not a male chauvinist pig. This posting like I've mentioned, is just a sweeping generalization. This posting is actually aimed at women of this kind and we know who they are. For all the good women that I've offended with this posting, I apologise sincerely.

Rebounds

A rebound relationship is when you want to skip the pain of the previous relationship and feel good right away. It's just a "quick fix" to a breakup situation that actually requires some emotional pain and soul searching

Many claim the only way to get over your ex is with another person hence the term "rebound" exists in the dating vocabulary. I'm sure all of us had been there before spending weeks, months and even years agonizing over my exes. Calling them all the time, showing up at their houses, all the stuff that we're not supposed to do. We were just sad and miserable at the time.

The right remedy according to my mates?The answers are GETTING REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS AND HAVING REBOUND SEX!The question is can it really cure a broken heart?I took the liberty to do a small research by reading through a lot of articles to understand how this concept works and how effective it can be. We all live in denial. When it comes to rebound sex, it's definitely not about the sex. It never is. It is more about self-discovery. It is about our confidence, our ego and our self esteem. By doing this, we hope to restore our hopes that we still have it in us. Hopes of restoring our confidence that we still have a desirable nice, long and vigorous ego(applies to men) or to have a nice, long, vigorous ego stroking for her(applies to women). Basically we're looking for rebound sex because we want to prove that we're still desirable to the opposite sex. If we were the ones who dumped out exes, we just want to be sure that we did the right thing by leaving. On the other hand, if we were the ones who got dumped, we just want to believe that our exes were the ones with issues. We just want to feel in control again after losing it by the situation that we were put through.

Rebound sex might not be that straight forward and simple. There's a catch to it. If things were not made clear on the part where no strings were attached then you might risk having the other party having feelings for you or the worse case scenario; you might have feelings for her. I have this mate who knows it all too well. You might get a classic type-A psycho stalker woman who just won't leave you alone. Now you've just doubled your troubles.

Whatever it is, I'm still a skeptic when it comes to rebounds regardless of relationships or sex. Firstly I just feel that dragging an innocent party into my bummer of a relationship is just not fair or healthy, especially when it comes to rebound relationships. Secondly, I bet it only felt good in the moment and didn't take me any further away from the pain I'm in and probably make things worse for all involved. What I should be doing is to get out of her world and go find someone real to love. Any relationship that's designed solely to elicit a reaction from someone else is not only false but a major discredit to anyone who's a part of it. I know it for a fact that when I truly move on, I won't care what she thinks. And for the record, the best revenge isn't messing up her life. It's getting on with mine and living it to the fullest

A nocturnal rollercoaster journey

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep

I hope she's doing fine out there without me cause I'm not doing so good without her. The things I thought she'd never knew about me were actually the things I guess she'll be the only one who understands. How could I have been so blind to see the truth through all this fear of living without her?

As time goes by, I feel like I'm losing touch with my sanity and losing ground with my identity. I don't know who I really am anymore. Before she came into my life, everything was directional. I had things planned and aims to be achieved. She thwarted all that I've planned for. Ever since there was her, she was and still is a very big part of me. To be without her by my side is like losing a very big part of me. Even until today, I still practice the habits that she instilled onto me. Its not that I want to but these habits have been embodied deep within me...just like how she is to me. Every breath I take, I can taste the smell of what I could never have again and it comes from her.

Yesterday I had a couple of drinks with my mates. I was quite tipsy when I got home at about 4am. At 4.30am, I was so dead tired, I passed out. Strangely, at bout 6.30am, I woke up without the slightest hint of exhaustion. Haven't slept yet since then till now. Ever since it all began, I've started to develop insomnia. I don't sleep regularly and I don't get the much needed rest that I should be getting. As time goes by, my body and my soul are deteriorating.

Nothing lasts forever and we all know hearts can change. I've been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain. In general, lovers always come and lovers always go and when it all ends, no one's really sure who's letting go today. I wished upon a star that someday I'll wake up where the clouds are far behind me. A place where trouble melts like lemon drops somewhere high above the chimney tops. Thats where you'll find me.....someday

P/S: Sugwen, this one here is dedicated to you...hope you'll find your way ;-)
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

To forgive, DIVINE

The relationship went bad for all sorts of reasons, not because you’re a screwup. Take responsibility for your part, and then let it go. You were many wonderful things to many people before you met her—don’t let this one event define who you are

Kieran, if you're reading this, all I have to say is sorry. Its not that I don't want to buy it for you. If things were under different circumstances I would jump on the first opportunity to buy it for you. I know you would understand if I told you what happen but the reason why I didn't is because I don't want you to treat her differently because she's no longer the person whom I can call of my own. All along, she's been known to you as my girlfriend. This goes out to the rest of you out there who knows her as my girlfriend. Please don't look at her differently just because she's no longer mine. Please don't look at her with prejudice because of what she did to me. Please don't look at her with a bad impression because of the sudden change in behaviour. Please don't resent her because she's being cruel and cold towards me. She has a name and she is a terrestrial being with her own distinct behaviour and personality. It is not her fault that things have to happen this way. I don't blame her and neither should any of you.

Men Are Assholes. How many times have we heard that line before from women?Countless I presume. Since we've been separated, my circle of friends have been trying to change my preception in relationships. These guys are your typical players and they are good at it. Believe me. Their theories?sleep around with as many women as you can without any strings attacted or get a rebound girl or just get a replacement. Basically what they're trying to achieve is to turn me into your stereotypical male asshole. Analysing their behaviour and perception further, I came to realise that they were once too a victim of this cruel game called love prior to what they have become at present. They vowed never to put themselves in that predicament and it changed their preception on life for good. When a girl hurts you, you go out and hurt another one for your own selfish gains because women are all the same. That's life. You have to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness. The quote "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give — which is everything" is overrated. Only naive people would believe in such thing. Pure love is the thing of the past. They still do get involve in relationships but not on the serious note. Love is viewed as an investment. If the ROI (Return On Investment) is not on par with the expected projection, then just write it off as a bad investment. Retreat before further losses are incurred. Once the damage has been done, the receiving party would then inherit that mentality, waiting to be unleash on to their next pitiful victim. Food for thought:

According to Erin Pizzey, the very founder of the refuge movement for battered women, found that the women in her shelters were mostly more violent than the men they were supposed to be escaping from.

In conclusion, Love is a vicious cycle. Girl hurts boy and boy hurts girl*. That's how the world works whether we like it or not. As for me, that was just a theory;an assumption. My mate said women eat men like me for breakfast.Call me old fashion or conservative but I still hold strongly to my beliefs and values that love can be pure if you want it to be, provided if you're willing to take the chance to risk it all with the chance of getting hurt deeply. I was raised to be empathetic. Eventhough I've lost her for good, I've never regretted what I've done for her and given her. The choice is yours to decide. You can choose to take love as an investment or to take it purely.
*note: Not in any particular order. It could happen either way

News of Datin Seri Endon Mahmood's sudden death at the break of dawn shocked the nation, with Malaysians from all walks of life mourning the loss of the premier's wife. Reflecting the atmosphere of grief and sorrow, the weather in the Klang Valley also greeted the day with gloom. Strangely, in some way, jealousy and envy loomed over me. The thoughts that came into my head that followed were quite disturbing. I was thinking to myself, why can't it happen to me instead of her?she's looked so peaceful at rest. If I had the chance, I would take the opportunity to switch places with her. Without a doubt I'll do it. I just want peace and serenity in my heart

It might have been.....

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'

I opened myself up and let it all out. I told her everything because I had no doubts but now I'm left with nothing because she didnt feel the same. All I have is a broken heart and I feel I'm the one to be blamed. I had the chance to turn things around for the better but instead things has taken its toll for the worse all due to my poor judgement clouded by ego and pride. If only I had been more understanding and more forgiving then we, I would not be stuck in this cruel and painful predicament. We would still be happy like old times.

I seriously don't know what's lurking in her mind. Whenever I mention anything about "us" she tends to deviate from the topic eventhough I had no intentions of discussing the "us" matter. The other day I told her that I'm willing to let it all go if she's happy with the way she is and the way things are at its current state. Her reply was "ok ok....I don't understand what you're trying to say...hahaha..I wanna go to bed now....I ttyl..nites"

Whenever I tell her how I feel and things like that, her reply would be only "ok ok". I don't want to bombard her with my personal issues anymore. I know it'll only push her further away from me that's why I've stopped doing it already. Everyone needs some time on their own. I want to be happy because she's happy. But how can I be happy knowing I'm not the one making her smile?

Whenever I think I'm standing strong, she somehow manage to pull me back down. Nothing hurts more than realising she meant everything to me, but I meant nothing to her. My mates told me to go out and have fun. Find a rebound girl or another person to replace her. Call me naive or conservative or call me anything you want but I just can't bring myself to do that. Its unfair to treat innocent women in that manner as if they were emotionless beings just to feed my own selfish gains. In the first place, they were not the reason why I'm stuck in this predicament. I do believe in karma. Do not do onto others as you would not have others do onto you. Then again, another mate of mine asked me a question that really made some sense. "What did I do to deserve what I've gotten from my previous 2 relationships?". Well I guess its true when they say "Good guys finish last" cos I'm the living example that good guys DO finish last.

Whenever I see couples on the street doing PDAs, holding hands or just messing around, the situation spurred me to reminisce our days together and I start imagining how things might have been if I didn't fall from grace on that fateful day. I always pray at that moment and ask God if only I can be like that. The touch and the hold of her hands are as if the spaces between my fingers were created so that she could fill them in or the touch of her lips sends me into an endless bliss or the stare from her eyes, loses me in innumerable memories, thus forgetting the world behind me or her smile which is like a sunshine to my soul. Kisses without her hugs or her hugs without kisses are like flowers without the fragrance.

I'm here without her but she's still on my lonely mind. I think about her and I dream about her all the time. I miss her a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day. I've tried so hard to tell myself that she's gone but she still has all of me.

The hardest thing in life isn't finding the one you love, its making the one you love....love you back

Incompleteness in absence

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

A thousand days have passed by since I held her close to me. I remembered the day when she called and said goodbye. It seemed like it was yesterday but yet it felt like a lifetime. Its been almost 2 months...the longest 2 months of my life filled with pain and suffering. Nevertheless, despite all the pain and suffering she made me endure, strangely I don't habour any feelings of anger, hatred and resentment towards her but instead, my deepest and inner most love for her are called forth by the memories that depicts how much she meant to me. After she called, I thought I've lost it all. Even if I'd lose her, I would still feel the same cause I will love her till they take my heart away.

People ask me why I love her so much?What so special about her?At first I couldn't really put it into words. To answer their question, I have to first consider the things about love below

• When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth.
• Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
• Love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you don't yell at her because you know it would hurt her feelings.
• Love chooses not for itself, but only seeks to make possible the choices of the beloved other.

She use to call me by chinese name...she called me CheeKee and not Chee Kit. Even after correcting her, she still calls me by that. It became exclusively our "thing". If that nickname was to leak out to my friends, I would be a laughing stock and I would never hear the end of it from them. I didn't tell her not to call me that in front of my friends. She just knew not to call me that in front of them. When I was working in CDM Australia, it was really very tiring. I wake up as early as 6.45am to prepare myself for work which starts at 8.30am. I had to take 2 buses just to get to work and the journey takes about an hour. Working there wasn't easy. I had to execute a lot of tedious, monotonous and repetitive tasks. The working environment was very taxing and pressuring considering the deadlines and the quality control we had to meet. After work around 5pm, I had to brave the after office hour traffic. I had to take a train and a bus home and the journey takes about an hour as well. As I reached my doorstep, she'll automatically opens the door for me as if she was telepathic. I didn't have to ring the doorbell. The moment she opens the door is the moment I've been waiting for the whole day, the moment I've always wanted to come home to. There she stood smiling away with her face beaming with joy at the presence of my being. She would mutter the word "baby!" in a cute manner and she would hug me tightly. Without fail, it always made my day. All my stress and tiredness disappeared from that moment. I graduated 1 semester earlier then she did and I was suppose to come back but I stayed back against my parent's wishes just for her. I didn't do it just for the sake of it. I did a lot of reasoning before I made that decision. She didn't have many friends in Australia so if I was to go back, she wanted to stay alone in a 1 bedroom apartment near uni and trust me, the safety of the suburbs within the radius of our uni leaves much to be desired. I've been living there for 3 years and I know the crime rate around these suburbs. You can say I contributed to the stats of victims of crime around these suburbs. Not once, but a few times. Furthermore, she had a few night classes as well. I didn't feel right to let her be on her on. I feared for her safety. I just can't rest with the fact that she, a girl, staying all alone by herself and travelling back at night alone. I know it for a fact that if I was to return to Malaysia, I would be worried sick everyday. After thoroughly deducing all these factors, I decided to stay for her. My parents were against it and threaten to cut providing further funds to me if I decided to stay. They gave me 2 choices; either I come back or I have to support myself including paying for the necessary expenses for the visa that'll allow me to stay on and work if I wanted to stay there. The cost of the visa was quite expensive. I had to work 3 jobs just to raise the adequate funds needed to pay for the valid visa in a short period of time as the deadline for applying was very soon and I had to also raise funds to support my living expenses. Though it was really tough, I did it for her and until today, considering the outcome, I've never regretted sacrificing this much and also other things that need not be mentioned for her.

Since I met her, my life has never been the same. She brought life to everything I did. She captured something inside me beyond explanation and made all my dreams come true. It not enought that she loved me for me. She reached inside and touched me eternally. Because of her, my life has changed.

Even though for right now she's so far away, I hope and I pray that somewhere in her heart I'll always stay. Lately, my sun doesn't shine without her. I never really took noticed what it feels like to be without her but now I do. It feels like I took my last step and my last breath in my life ending. Have you ever seen flowers NEVER bloom or see the stars fly without the moon?That's how it feels without her..I need her here with me to turn my night back into day. This is more for me than for her. I finally realise that there's no substitute for what we had and what we've shared, I can't forget. A love like hers, I'll never let just slip away. Because of that, I'm gonna tell her and show her that I'll do whatever I can to get back to her. If only I could see THAT smile from her again; I know that I could live again. I just wonder if she knows how much I love her.

If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, but if you don't have love, it doesn't matter much what else you have.

Still the one

I hate the way you talk to me, I hate it when you stare and I hate the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

She came back last Sunday from Australia. I received a SMS from her thanking me for the flowers I've sent her and mentioned that they were nice as well. Later that night we communicated through MSN. She wanted her old HP back..at first I told her that I don't think that we should meet up because I don't think I'm ready yet but she kept insisting that she wants it back by tomorrow...she did asked me to return it before she left for Australia because she wanted to use that HP for her Australian number but it didn't materialise...this time she told me that she wanted the HP back because her mom needs to use it...anyhow, she hustled and pressured me to return it to her despite knowing how I felt...in the end I caved in and agreed to her demands...I told her to call me the next day to make arrangements and to see whether I can accomodate it or not...the following day, I was out with my friends at the cybercafe gaming away....she called me and told me she's around the vicinity of my area...then I told her that she was suppose to call me earlier to make arrangements...then she said "I'm calling you now right?"..then I told her straight that I'm not free right now..then she shouted "Nevermind!!" and slammed the phone down on me...few minutes later she called me and asked me to stop playing for a while and she'll pick me up from the cybercafe to go over my place to collect it....after collecting it, she'll send me back to the cybercafe...I told her that I'm not free right now but I offered to bring it over to her house later in the night...she shouted at me saying "what's the difference??I'm already here!aiyah!anything la" and she slammed the phone down on me again....About an hour later, she called me again. I told her I was out which was true, and I told her that I'll go over her place to pass it to her...for some apparent reason that puzzles me, she doesn't seem to want me to know where she lives...she asked me to call her before coming and told me to come before 11pm...I was running late and I called her to tell her that I'm on my way...I asked her for her current location and she told me that she was home...so I drove all the way to section 14 and called her again for more detailed directions...she directed me to another area which was so far off section 14...when I arrived, I figured it was pretty much her friend's place and not hers. There she was....standing there waiting for me...I couldn't look her straight in her eyes...as I passed her the HP, I took a glance at her..it only took that glance to send my world crashing down before my feet just like how the buildings came tumbling down when terror strucked the World Trade Center in the US on that fateful day...I hate her for being so insensitive, unreasonable and selfish..why would she want to hurt me even more on purpose despite knowing how hurt I already am?What have I ever done to her to deserve this kind of treatment?All I did was to love her more then life itself...is loving her a crime?

On the contrary, after all that has been said and done, I still love her a lot despite what she did to me...it didn't diminish my feelings I have for her. I don't understand why.Maybe its because my heart has reasons that reason itself don't understand. Grief drove me into habits of serious reflection, sharpened understanding and softened my heart. She's still the biggest part of me..I still think about her, I still dream about her, I still want her and need her by my side...all I wanted was her...she's still the one...If only I have one wish...I would wish upon the stars....I would wish that she would take the time to lay it on the line and only then, I can rest my head just knowing that she's mine...in my heart, she'll remain as my immortal...an immortal who has all of me

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Love has its victories, but it takes brave men to win them.

Laying it all on the line

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

She's been gone for a week but she'll be returning either tomorrow or day after tomorrow...while she was gone, I felt that I was free from her shackles..but the thought of her returning home seems to twirl my emotions like a hurricane disaster in ways that I don't understand...maybe I felt that it is easy to be brave from a safe distance since she wasn't around...or maybe this feeling I'm getting is the result of what I did for her last Saturday, not knowing what to expect or maybe the ambiguity is causing me to be like this...

Last Saturday was her graduation ceremony...I made arrangements to have a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her as a token to congratulate her on her graduation...not only that, I SMSed her to congratulate her and to tell her she'll look good in her attire that goes with the gown....I went through a lot of trouble and put in a lot of effort just to make it happen considering the geographical distance circumstances

I believe the saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone...all I see in front of me is a stranger with just a known name...sometimes the people who I thought I knew...start becoming the strangers I never wanted....change is hard...you fight to hold on, yet you fight to let go

Nevertheless, tomorrow isn't a promise, it's a chance..a chance waiting to be seized...if I want to live, I have make everything happen...it is obvious that the goals between me and her cannot be reached...I don't have to adjust the goals...I have to adjust the action steps...I would rather do something and find out that it was the wrong thing, than never know if it was the right thing...I know if I fail, the fall is going to be harder but I'm willing to risk it all despite what world tells me....I know I can't force her to love me...but all I know is this....I can only make myself someone who can be loved by her..

Sometimes I think about the first time I realized that I loved her ... it was as if my eyes took a picture at that moment and stored it in my heart. Sometimes I think about how much my life has changed because of her. I think about her and her happiness, about us and our life together, and I realize that she was as much a part of me now as the air I breathe and the dreams I have. But, from time to time, I still like to remember the first time I looked into her eyes and saw my future there

It's not enough to have a dream, unless you're willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right, unless you're strong enough to do it. It's not enough to learn the truth, unless you also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love, unless you care enough to give it. Men who are resolved to find a way for themselves will always find opportunities enough; and if they do not find them, they will make them.

Letting go might be a good idea after all

to leave me, to loathe me, to ignore me, I will deal. but what do I do with this love?

Slightly more then a month has passed since we broke up but I still love her and miss her very much despite of all the pain and suffering she has put me through...I was searching for answer all along...answers to what made her have a change of heart, what should I do now and many more...but the main question is what do I do with this love?

I know I just can't sit back and drown in this suffering pain which is so counter-productive...something needs to be done...I decided to let my emotions and mental judgement to battle it out for a conclusion...after countless days of confusion, soul searching and heartwrenching evaluation, I concluded that this love was given to her in the first place and it was exclusively for her only

I read countless websites and blogs for answers...I needed to know what are the chances of winning this battle and from which angle I should approach...whilst I was surfing, I stumbled across this article which brought up some very interesting issues

Relationships don't always work out the way we want. Sometimes relationships become so painful that somebody wants to leave. If this happens to you, and if you want the other person to stay, how you handle yourself now becomes very important. Usually we push the person further away. If you want someone to stay, you need to create an environment where the person will want to be with you. So far you haven't done this. If you had, the person wouldn't want to leave. Now maybe you can turn your relationship around and get back together.

It's been done before. Maybe your time together is over and nothing can be done. Maybe it's just too late. You can't force someone to want you. All you can do is treat the person in a way that will have her enjoy being with you. The key to having someone enjoy being with you is to make sure the person feels special. You do this in two ways:

Make sure the person feels loved, accepted and appreciated just the way she is. Give the person his or her freedom. The more you are willing for someone to go, the more you create an environment where he or she can enjoy being with you. This in turn increases the chances of the person wanting to stay.

When you hang on to someone, you do the opposite. You create an environment where the person feels controlled and suffocated. You force the person to fight for breathing room. Hanging on doesn't make someone want to stay. Hanging on makes the person want to leave. Hanging on also destroys your aliveness and mental well-being. You become consumed by fear and upset. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that makes your situation worse. So, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity, let the person go. Stop hanging on.

To do this, you need to be willing for the person to leave. You don't have to like it or want it to happen. When you become willing, you release the resistance that creates the fear and the upset. You set yourself free and you become far more effective in handling your situation. By letting go of your demands for how life should be, you can flow with the way life is. You can then see what needs to be done.

Letting someone go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with your actions. It certainly doesn't mean kick the person out. Letting go is what releases the fear and upset so that you can see what action you need to take. In your heart, be willing for the person to go, but in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where the other person feels so loved and appreciated that he or she would never want to leave.

To let go, give the person full permission to leave. You can practice this by saying the following words:

"I give you permission to leave, to be gone from my life forever. I don't want you to go, but I want you to be happy. If you have to leave, I understand. You have my love and my blessings whatever you do. I let you go."

If you can say this and mean it, you have set yourself free. If you have any hesitation, keep saying this over and over. Imagine the person being in front of you, and give her permission to go. Allow yourself to feel the hurt. Keep saying these words until you can do so without the hurt. By giving the person freedom to leave, she will feel free of your grasp and will have less reason to avoid you. This makes it easier for the person to stay.

Of course!why didn't I think of that?this article really got my juices going...What I was doing so far was sort of like going through the same direction but without proper guidelines...this article really opened up my mind to perspectives that I've never thought of venturing into especially coming from this angle..its a long shot but since I've got nothing to lose, its worth a try

Love: strong but yet fragile

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds but when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call magic!

Love can never be so beautiful without friendship...one leads to another and the process is irreversible...the best of lovers is the greatest of friends! I like her because she's my friend and because she's my friend I care, and because I care, I love her...I don't love her just because she's my friend, I love her because I just do...sometimes I've asked myself, what would make me happy? To think that I have everything else, I get what I want....then I realized it was HER...too bad cause it's her I can't have....I can't choose who I'm gonna love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me...she can't blame me in choosing to love her as much as I can't blame her for not loving me...if she can't love me the way she loved the one before me, so I'll let her go and hope that someday she'll see that the one true love she's looking for was the one who set her free.

How can I say goodbye to someone I never had? Why do my tears fall for someone who was never mine?Why do I ask myself why I love someone who's love was never mine?

Food for thought, think of this:
Have you really cared for someone more than you expected? Have you ever tried to love her despite of all the pain?Will you keep on loving her eventhough she keeps whispering someone else's name?Will you?

It's better to lose my pride with someone I love rather than lose that someone I love with my useless pride....love is like standing on wet cement...the longer she stayed the harder it is for me to leave and she can never go without leaving her prints behind...I didn't love her like a flower, because a flower dies in season....I love her like a river because a river flows forever...love doesn't have to have a happy ending..love doesn't have to end at all....I was never afraid to fall in love with her even though it hurt a lot and giving me aches and pains...but if I don't follow my heart, in the end I would hurt even more for not giving this love another chance like when she is in the arms of someone else...love may leave my heart like shattered glass, but I know for a fact that there's someone out there who'll be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so that I could be whole again....it could be her or it could be someone else...only time will tell...nevertheless, the cruelest thing she did was to let me fall in love when she didn't intend to catch me fall...fooling around with my feelings like they meant nothing!!!

When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of us will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. When you love, you must not accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but investing. If you love, you must prepare to accept pain, for if you expect happiness, you're not loving but using. True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart

Tomorrow comes

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye

She messeged me on MSN today....she messeged me not to talk, but to ask me do something for her...this friend of ours agreed to keep her things at his place back in Perth cos she couldn't bring all of them back...she's going back to Perth this coming Monday to attend her graduation ceremony..this friend of ours asked us to buy somethings back for him...instant noodles and a certain kind of water bottle...she wasn't sure whether instant noodles are allowed to be brought into Australia..so she messeged me to ask him whether is it allowed and she expects me to buy the water bottle and pass it to her...why can't she do it and ask him herself?why must I be the one doing it?By then, I felt that she was using me...he didn't do me a favour....he did HER a favour...she should be doing it as a token of appreciation for the favour he did for her...looking at this, it re-enforced my previous posting condemning her for being selfish and a user...all she thinks about is herself and no one else...even if she do think of other people, its how she can use them for her own benefit...I had a few friends who think the same way too..

That's beside the point...the main thing that's really concerning me is that I have to meet up with her tomorrow to pass her the water bottle which I haven't buy yet...not only that, she asked me to return her mobile phone which I was using before...she wanted to meet up tonight but I can't bring myself to meet up with her so I told her that I wasn't free

I just don't think I'm ready to meet her at the moment...I'm already messed up as it is...I know for a fact that if I was to meet her, I'll be lost in the vast abyss of emotional turmoil, not knowing what awaits me on the other side...the last time we met after we broke up, I was already going through hell..until today, I still haven't recovered from it...I just can't imagine what will happen to my already shattered, battered and broken emotions if I was to go through this one more time...I have to admit I really miss her very much but I just can't bring myself to meet up with her...in fact, I don't want to meet up with her..since I haven't buy the water bottle which I don't intend to, I'll just make up some excuses...the bottomline is that I don't want to meet up with her no matter what it takes...the only way is over my dead body

I dream about her everynight without fail...its better never to have met her in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there